notmyself: thank you for the explanation. Mind fkced says it well. I feel like mine fucks with my head, with his hot-cold way of being. It absolutely drives me nuts that he will ignore me and ignore my messages for days at a time...even innocuous, friendly messages sometimes.

Kudos to you for sticking to your guns this time!

I absolutely know you and the others care, Tantric. this group has been a godsend.

pinkpony: Your analogies make sense, especially the last one. In the beginning, I became distraught when he ignored me for days at a time, or when he disappeared right after his orgasm (even the one time we were together, he did not want any closeness afterward). I have no come to accept that this is just the way it is and, while I admit it drives me nuts...as per above...I don't deal with it the way I probably should.

Yes, I am playing with fire...but I love him...or I am addicted to him. I honestly don't know which it is.

PinkPony really got it right. You know this guy is no good for you. Please get out before he really messes you up even more than he already has!

Fiber and pinkpony offer up Excellent advice. You are saying yourself that you're confused. Not sure if you love him or addicted to him. From what you post, he sounds like bad news who doesnt respect you. Please reconsider spending any more time and energy on him. It will be hard to break free, thats when you come here for help, strength and support. We have our NC check-ins that help too. And if he breaks NC fight the urge to reply and see it for what it really is - a fishing attempt to bait you. To get you hooked back in for HIS needs. Its not easy. And if you are Addicted to him, it will feel like detox during the first few days/weeks of NC. But if you go into it knowing what to expect, it will help. We're here for you.

How do you differentiate between addiction and love? Love feels safe and comforting; addiction feels compulsive and dangerous. Addiction is transferable, love is not. Think of how you love your kids. When you hold someone else's babies they feel sweet but that love doesn't transfer over, you don't stop loving your own to love the other. Addiction does transfer; the substances are interchangeable. I ran out of pot once when I was 19 so I had a cigarette. Instant new love! New addiction. I still liked pot but I could do without it. (have since quit smoking both years ago)

I was sure that I was addicted to the OM but it turned out I could get the same feeling by getting the attention of other men. It's not personal, remember? He could be replaced, I could be replaced. It has nothing to do with the person and everything to do with how that person makes you feel.

Want excitement? Someone suggested skydiving. Not a bad idea. Then the rush is attached to an activity, not a person who can blow up your marriage to get his needs met.

I have the event, so can't go complete NC until then...

I don' t think my feelings are interchangeable. I tried that. I met a 'replacement' on Plenty of Fish. He is a nicer guy (albeit, also a cheater), good lover....I like him a lot. He in no way replaced or distracted me from the OM I am in love with/addicted to.

I have read some more about NArcs. Many prefer masturbation to sex with a real human being. Knowing this makes it easier not to take it personally.

Not to take it personally. Since he a NARC he will only make you miserable. I SHOULD KNOW! MY X HAS AVOIDANT PERSONALITY DISORDER!

I know that intellectually. Assuming he really is a narc and I do think he is. Knowing that intellectually unfortunately does not mean I don't hope for more. I even try to convince myself that maybe he isn't a narc...

And that is what we call The Fog. Basically a state of self-deception that letsvyou stay in even when you know better. It's an illusion, much like the limerance of a high school crush. It can't grow into whatvyou hope for because it isn't real. The sooner you come to terms with that, the sooner you recover.

Quick question to notmyself have you ever asked yourself why you believe he would not lie to you when he's lying to everyone else around him to be with you? He's a cake eater and your letting him have all the slices he wants. It hurts when he does these things but he's not going to stop, it only stops when you say it does.

Cindy that line goes to you too. It stops when you say it does. If he's hurting you and you know this I feel like you should take a step back and evaluate what brought you here to this decision to form a relationship with this man. Examine how you were feeling when it started then examine how you feel now. Has it solved the issues you were feeling or just clouded them over with new ones? It makes it easier to leave when you walk away and realize you were truly getting no real benefit from all of it nothing lasting except for pain from the person. I'm going 7 months 3 weeks NC and I was the one who ended the A. It was easy perhaps because I had made these realizations of being used before I went NC but the further out I get the harder the realization hits me that I was nothing but a tool for him to get his rocks off. Of course it hurts to know I let someone use me that way and that I allowed it...ugh...but it gets better day by day.

Strength and support to you both in making decisions to create a happy, healthy, authentic you.

It alternates. He hurts me. He makes me feel good. He hurts me. He makes me feel good. Lather, rinse, repeat.

He talks of the future. Having 'our time, our place'. Again, my logical brain knows this is nothing but fantasy...and I don't even know if he really has this fantasy himself, or if it is just something he is feeding me...but I grab onto it like a life raft.

Jeanettecin
I've often asked myself that. I also asked him that. Its funny, as Cindy says..., my logical brain. I can relate to that because i think and over think everything. I used to say to OM when he talked of a future for us, i said whats different with me? You must love your W, you chose her and M her. He would insist people change and fall out of love. The last time we saw each other he once again poured his heart out to me. Talking of a future and i told him IF we were to end up together we would have Major trust issues. He told me he'd give me the PW to his phone and computer and he said i make him so happy and he loves everything about me. I've never experienced being lied to right to my face by a guy, repeatedly for 2.5 yrs. perhaps im naive but i how could i not believe him? All he said to me? The 2 times it ended i tried the NC and he came back with tears, love songs, promises. And again. My logical brain said, hes a liar. But my heart believed him. I wanted to believe we were 2 people who grew apart in our M, found each other, and perhaps were meant to be.

Its been i think 1 month tomorrow of NC (yay me!) but even still i have my days where i miss him and think about that future we talked about. And then i have days where i feel lower than life for allowing myself to be used, compromising my values, betraying my H and children and for sleeping with another woman's H. I feel horrible for his W and their child and i have and always said to him. Any yet when you have your OM telling you how horrible things are at home, combine that with all of the feelings you have for each other, i Wanted to love him and i wanted him to love me. Was it wrong? ABSOLUTELY. Could i have remained friends with him and Not crossed that line? I wish to God i did. Everyday.

Thats great that you're so far out on NC. Can i ask if he continues to txt you or try to contact you? My OM would always keep reaching out to me. During this last month hes reached out, not as often as before, but a few times. Telling me its over with his M, he's moving, etc.

Ok now im thinking. Again. Going over this whole thing and my rationalization is that I Wasn't lying to him. I lied to see him, yes. But because i felt in my heart we loved each other. I meant the things i said to him. This is what confuses me. Because i think, IS it possible that hes Not a cake eater and perhaps a person who is also in a verbally abusive M who stays for their son and because he doesn't want to lose respect of family and friends, or uproot his sons life? This is where i start getting confused and feel badly. And feel the urge to contact me. Ugh. Its a cycle. Any input is greatly appreciated.

I think you asked a good question to go back to: what would be different with you? If he engages in relationships in an addictive manner, ie he loves as long as it keeps him high, and he fell in and then out of love with her...now he's in love with you cuz you get him high and she doesn't anymore. What happens to you when the buzz wears off? That's the nature of addiction, building up a tolerance to where you need more and more to get off, progressing to new drugs when the old ones don't work anymore.

Here's the thing to be perfectly blunt, he lies to others and he lies to you. How can you believe he is in a horrible relationship when he lies so much? Be careful, you will make your decisions for what you feel is best fro you but don't be surprised if the shit hits the fan that you'll get thrown under the bus, he sounds like he'd be the type to do so. To answer your question yes he tried contacting me, I confessed to my SO and have given him total transparency so he knows each time OM has tried to contact me. He called me a few times, cornered me at work even though he had been transferred to another location he was there that day, and most recently went to a bar with a bunch of my former coworkers including one of my best friend who told him I had quit and moved out of my home. I really wish she hadn't told him so much, according to her he cried in front of her saying he feels like shit and can't believe he did this to me. She relayed it to me when I went to lunch with her and I scoffed openly and told her I didn't want to know anything about him. I disliked him for awhile, then I hated him, then back to dislike, now its more towards indifference.

You need to do some self examination. What hurt, or for lack of a better word "brokenness" are you using this A to fill or cover up? If you didn't have him or your H can you live a happy life bu yourself. Do you like yourself? Do you love yourself? Do you want to keep living this way?