Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
Today, I wrote on a thread offering my take on the subject. Another person read my thoughts and expounded upon the ideas. Their writing reads so honestly that I sent acknowledgement via our DS Hug feature. It said more than I came out with but something I have thought many times about my situation.
I have the OK to copy and paste this.
" Peacful has a great point. I have experienced many who are stuck in their home alone with one single exhausted caregiver without any respite from the struggle. They start to see their loved one as a project to be fixed over and over rather than helping them thru the end stage of life. Even when it is clear that the end is actually near, they have trouble adjusting to the fact that dying was always going to happen and still hang on tightly to "change this medication"; "keep the blood pressure up"; keep those O2 numbers high enough"; keep this working and that working and on and on. The loved one can be lost in this constant battle to simply keep them alive. They stop being heard when they say, "I have had enough now. Please let me go." because the family member care giver has lost sight of their real objective which was always to help parents cross over to the next stage of life.
When we have rest times and others to advise, we can offer them the peace of a dignified passing without pushing thru every possible treatment past their endurance.
We need to alleviate suffering for them. That includes being trapped alone in a bed with nothing but a TV and one caregiver to visit despite being totally exhausted. "
Thank you for being honest you are saying what I can not.
Respectfully,
P
I have the OK to copy and paste this.
" Peacful has a great point. I have experienced many who are stuck in their home alone with one single exhausted caregiver without any respite from the struggle. They start to see their loved one as a project to be fixed over and over rather than helping them thru the end stage of life. Even when it is clear that the end is actually near, they have trouble adjusting to the fact that dying was always going to happen and still hang on tightly to "change this medication"; "keep the blood pressure up"; keep those O2 numbers high enough"; keep this working and that working and on and on. The loved one can be lost in this constant battle to simply keep them alive. They stop being heard when they say, "I have had enough now. Please let me go." because the family member care giver has lost sight of their real objective which was always to help parents cross over to the next stage of life.
When we have rest times and others to advise, we can offer them the peace of a dignified passing without pushing thru every possible treatment past their endurance.
We need to alleviate suffering for them. That includes being trapped alone in a bed with nothing but a TV and one caregiver to visit despite being totally exhausted. "
Thank you for being honest you are saying what I can not.
Respectfully,
P
That is why the following things are very important:
getting our parents to let us know what their wishes are
getting power of attorney so we can support their wishes
getting our siblings to AGREE with what mom/dad wants not what we adult children want
getting hospice care set up early so that when the time comes we are ready to call in the professionals
Blessings to all of you who are facing end of life issues. May you be surrounded with love and support so you can surround your parent(s) with the same.
Gentle hugs
(((((HUGS)))))
As caregivers we are very educated in all things necessary for our loved ones comfort. Many have healthcare providers whom we can call at a moments notice for advice, others have an excellent support system, either live or on-line, and we cannot forget the access to information at our fingertips.
It saddens me that in this day of available knowledge people still are swayed by preconceived notions about hospice care. In many cases hospice can be involved with care for many months even years before the end. Statistics prove that many individuals actually live longer with hospice services than without.
Hospice does not equate to giving up, it is another avenue for support.
Whatever path we choose I see you all as a community of heroes.
With hugs to all.
Larissa
I also agree with what Pepper has written. Especially the part about getting siblings and family to understand the wishes of the person and hopefully accepting these wishes. I remember when my dad passed. There were two months between his first major crisis and his death. During that time many things happened but most critical was getting the three children to be on the same page about what was happening. Even then it was not easy.
Our job is caretaker....not savior. We are here to facilitate the care and eventual passing of our loved one. Caring for them body, mind and soul. And making sure that their wishes are carried out during their life, death and after death. Many times I explained to others that "this is what dad (or now mom) wanted". It's all about them.
So many people simply want to live in denial and get angry when I speak words that are simply facts of life.
Just when I really needed a boost from my own serious health issues, you were kind enough to understand and even go beyond with kind words.
We all eventually die. No one has ever lived forever. (And frankly, I really don't want this broke down body forever - I want the new shiny one waiting for me in heaven.) But most folks act like they can put it off forever with just another pill. Some days I think God did me a great blessing leaving me in constant all over pain because it keeps me from wanting to stay on earth forever.
You really made my day by reposting my thoughts about helping our parents in their last journey.
Thanks
Sunny
The points of having the structure certainly helps focus
the needs and duties of caregiver and parent.
Some place along the way we get to be their children too.
It is often easier for them to remember is this way.
Hugs to all
P
Hugs,
Debi
I am Christian. I nearly died several times from a couple incidents details of which matter not at all here. I actually remember seeing a pasture once from the other side of a bridge. it was pure beauty and perfect peace. Many people call that O2 deprivation. But I read many others who describe the same feelings (while not the same pictures).
Like a baby in the womb, we were never meant to stay in this fleshy temple forever. Like a seed stored away for next year, we are meant to break free of this skin and become something greater moving on to something we can only imagine. We are meant to become something as different as a seed is to a plant.
It is far to easy in our techy world to get lost thinking that another pill, procedure, test, etc might give us a few more days/hours/minutes that we forget that the earthly body is NOT our parents final resting place. They are meant to break free of the bounds of this flesh and start a new journey somewhere separate from us but only for a short time for we all are slowly moving toward the same place.
It is selfish to force others to stay here. Like hoarding those seeds, we keep them from becoming the plant they were always meant to be. We will join them very soon (in a moment from heaven's perspective) so forcing someone to hang on for just another week/day/minute is serving ourselves not them.
I have been at the bedside of so many who passed. Frequently, they sit up and see a long lost well loved family member just before taking that final breath and passing on. One lady saw a sister and called her by name. Later, her mother shared that the sister was aborted long before this lady was born.
So there must be something waiting for us "on the other side".
The greatest gift we can give them is to encourage them to courageously walk toward that light and start becoming the giant fruitful plant that was always hidden in the seed of their heart.
In the last few days and hours, if we can stop clinging to them trying to keep them here with us, they will have courage to walk into the light. It is the last gift we have to offer. In my humble opinion, it is one of the greatest gifts of love that we have to share.
Each one has a will of his own it is the will that hands it self over to the one and only will of god period. Please we do not have that kind of power only god does!
Another way is when people plead and argue for a loved one to hang on. The person can hang on for reasons that they no longer understand, often reasons that they declined when they were aware of what was going on.
My hope is that we are all supportive and caring of one another here. I offer peace with my best intentions.
May we offer one more hope to those we love and care for no matter what individual beliefs are.
Respectfully,
P