Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
Just when you think things are falling into place...everything falls apart, at least thats how im feeling right now.
One of my brothers recently moved close by so irs been nice having someone to talk to about moms care [mom lives with me 24/7]... He is always talking about setting up the spare bedroom in their home and having mom stay over to give me a break, but so far this hasnt happened...The other day my husband planned a night out for us and i organised for mom to spend the night at my brothers home...She refused to go and said terrible things to me making me feel very guilty and basically spoiling my evening...i ended up taking her over and we did go out, although the whole evening was spent on me venting (poor hubby)
The next day i picked mom up, my brother said that i cant be forcing her to do things she doesnt want to do [to me that was saying we dont want her here again]...on the drive home i was verbally abused about being a 'bad' daughter and expecting others to put up with my selfish ways [wanting a night out with my husband was apparently a selfish act]
The last 6 days mom has been making my life a living hell...her latest is spitting food out ...and im nit just talking about spitting it into a napkin..
I feel like she is forever trying to punish me, im tired and recently have had a few health issues if my own to deal with ....i dont want to do this anymore...she is sucking the life out of me
One of my brothers recently moved close by so irs been nice having someone to talk to about moms care [mom lives with me 24/7]... He is always talking about setting up the spare bedroom in their home and having mom stay over to give me a break, but so far this hasnt happened...The other day my husband planned a night out for us and i organised for mom to spend the night at my brothers home...She refused to go and said terrible things to me making me feel very guilty and basically spoiling my evening...i ended up taking her over and we did go out, although the whole evening was spent on me venting (poor hubby)
The next day i picked mom up, my brother said that i cant be forcing her to do things she doesnt want to do [to me that was saying we dont want her here again]...on the drive home i was verbally abused about being a 'bad' daughter and expecting others to put up with my selfish ways [wanting a night out with my husband was apparently a selfish act]
The last 6 days mom has been making my life a living hell...her latest is spitting food out ...and im nit just talking about spitting it into a napkin..
I feel like she is forever trying to punish me, im tired and recently have had a few health issues if my own to deal with ....i dont want to do this anymore...she is sucking the life out of me
I am so sorry. I can understand and feeling so much the same way. The only advice I have is to take one day at time, which is what I am doing. Hugs ,
Let your brother get to know the real mom a bit more slowly.
And by all means let your mother know that you are looking into putting her into a home, and that you will do it if she continues to act like a child.
You should be very blunt with her and tell her that you do not appreciate her dismissive attitude and verbal abuse she launches onto you. You could do exactly what Pepper suggested and let her know that you are looking into alternative living arrangements for her since she's so miserable living with you.
Most elderly do this though; they attack the ones closest to them and those that do the most care giving. You are the one that's in her daily line of sight... It doesn't mean that you have to accept and live with her verbal abuse though. I would tell her to stop her nonsense though or you'll have no choice but to make other arrangements for her.
Thankfully, my sister would come over one day a week or every other week, so I could SLEEP. I was up with her through the night, so it was a real life saver. Mom stayed in her normal surrounding. It would have been too hard on her otherwise. Once, I went off with friends for an all day ski trip. The people I was with got sick, so I stayed isolated the next day or two to make sure I didn't get her sick. She had CHF. No one could take care of her without contacting me, so I never had 100% down time.
I will tell you this ... I would do it all over again. I only regret what I didn't do. I bathed her, changed her, cooked and feed her. It got to where she couldn't get out of bed. I had to change her bed with her in it. There was a sweet girl that would help me wash her hair in bed.
Mom always enjoyed talking with people, so we called her family and friends until it didn't interest her any longer. I'd put on her favorite shows, and music groups, we'd pray together. I'd invite people over, so she could talk with them to change up her day. She loved going to church, so we did that until she couldn't get out of bed; then, we'd watch it on line.
One thing I did when she was heather was go to elderly groups with her so she could do things and meet new people. She never met a stranger. She'd talk with people in the store like she knew them her whole life. At first I was embarrassed, but in time I got over it - lol.
I know it isn't easy. It is only a season. Remember mom's would do it and did it for us. Try to find someone to come over and stay with her from time to time. There are church groups often willing to help. A lady from our church would make my mom rice pudding just about every week.
I was really protective, so it took an act of congress to get me out the door unless it was family.
She missed our lap-dog, so I bought her one that looked just like the one that was lost. Later, she thought it was the same pet.
You know your mom better than anyone, so you know what she likes. Try to find ways to do those things with and for her. One thing I did was ask her about her childhood. Eventually, you will learn things she wouldn't tell you before. I'd recommend getting your hands on a Go-Pro, and recording stories. Sing her favorite songs with her, and don't forget to record those too.
Trust me, I know it's not a cakewalk. But, I do hope there were a usable few suggestions. It is hard to see the forest for the trees.
My mom loved God, family, children, flowers, base ball, music, good food (which as hard since she couldn't have salt).
Remember tomorrow is a bran new day. A clean slate. A great time for a do-over. Hit the reset button. I know I said my mom had her bad days, but I had mine too.
And like earlybird101 said one day at a time.
Find things to laugh with her about as often as you can.
P.S. I'd send this to you in a privet message if I knew how.