Ask her Doctor to write an order that she be in a W/C.

hello wantmomback, good afternoon. welcome to the group. I am sure that u find the suggestions here helpful. as Trojan suggested here, can you ask the doctor to write for W/c ? also..if ur siblings arefar away..is there a way to tell them whatever you are feeling whatever u wrote here..mentioning that it feels hard to watch mom's emotions etc etc..that way, they will understand that you are able to understand the situation better than them and slowly they will try to support you and sometimes, if the siblings understand, they will also be able to convince mom in supporting you. Talking to ur siblings may or may not happen duringa single conversations..slowly and gently..start the conversation again too. Also, please do not misunderstand ur sister also..since sometimes if they are far away..they feel when everything is fine..why do we want to introduce wheelchair etc etc..since they may be hurting in their hearts not able to accept the fact that ur mom has to use wheelchair. you are really great in trying to understand what can be done to ensure to kee ur mom comfortable..but ur sister being far away my be thinking probably mom is comfortable the way she is..why do we need to make the person more helpless etc etc..

My prayers that God gives understanding to ur siblings so they understand you and support you since u are observing ur mom closely and you know the things going on better. please start the conversation again with your siblings and slowly and I hope they will ask you to do what you think best.

take care again. my prayers that God fills ur heart with peace and strength going thro this caregiver's journey.
Regards.



the reason I am saying this is:

It sounds like you are caring for MOM not worrying about what the rest of the world thinks. That is great!!!!

I was in a chair for a long time. The worst is people looking at you strangly. Tell her that it is a badge of honor to allow someone else to assist her to getting around. See if she can look at it that way.
Otherwise, just tell her you are scared she will fall and end up in pain.

Once the elderly breack bones, they tend to die from inactivity. I worked in funerals for years and know that it always goes downhill. You are only loving mom wanting her around as long as possible.
You are a good daughter making sure she is with medical professionals who will ensure that she lives safely and still has visits.

God bless

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the helpful hints that you have given to me. I especially want to thank you for the encouragement that you have given me. It seems like this forum was a good place to come for me to get support in my journey (also hope to be able to help others)

I kept crying last night. I guess that I was just so frustrated with all of it. I also suffer from a clinical depression and I think that the stress of what has been going on lately, has just been too much for me.

I went to see my mom this morning. I was glad that I went when I did because they told me that she had been waiting for me. She had a poor night, woken up this morning screaming and crawling on the floor. I asked to talk to the lpn that was on duty this morning. She had no idea of what kind of night that mom had. Some of the night staff are notoriously negligent on doing the proper paperwork for the day staff to know what has gone on during the night.

We talked for a while (it seems like I talk to them everyday, I think that they cringe when they see me coming) and said that I was concerned over her behavior during the past week. Mom had a slight bladder infection earlier in the week. Not enough for anit-biotics. I am not sure if the problem has worsened and they need to do something about it. The nurse said that she would make sure that another urine test was complete. She also said that she was on duty for the next couple of days and that she would make a point of checking on her status, every morning. She also said that she would leave a note (in her notes) for the next lpn on duty to make sure that she keeps up with things.

It was a nice day here so I took mom outside for a walk. She seemed distant but we were able to, more or less, carry on a conversation. I have been told, many times, that I shouldn't go to see mom everyday. It is difficult thought when I know that she is looking forward to seeing me.

When I got to the home this morning mom was in a wheelchair. She didn't complain during the hour that I was there.

My son went to visit this afternoon and my brother was also going today. I am hoping that their visits went well.

I did call my sister after seeing mom this morning. It was a frustrating call but at least I was not in tears afterwards.

Again, thanks for the replies that I have gotten to my earlier post.








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Hi everyone,

Thanks for the helpful hints that you have given to me. I especially want to thank you for the encouragement that you have given me. It seems like this forum was a good place to come for me to get support in my journey (also hope to be able to help others)

I kept crying last night. I guess that I was just so frustrated with all of it. I also suffer from a clinical depression and I think that the stress of what has been going on lately, has just been too much for me.

I went to see my mom this morning. I was glad that I went when I did because they told me that she had been waiting for me. She had a poor night, woken up this morning screaming and crawling on the floor. I asked to talk to the lpn that was on duty this morning. She had no idea of what kind of night that mom had. Some of the night staff are notoriously negligent on doing the proper paperwork for the day staff to know what has gone on during the night.

We talked for a while (it seems like I talk to them everyday, I think that they cringe when they see me coming) and said that I was concerned over her behavior during the past week. Mom had a slight bladder infection earlier in the week. Not enough for anit-biotics. I am not sure if the problem has worsened and they need to do something about it. The nurse said that she would make sure that another urine test was complete. She also said that she was on duty for the next couple of days and that she would make a point of checking on her status, every morning. She also said that she would leave a note (in her notes) for the next lpn on duty to make sure that she keeps up with things.

It was a nice day here so I took mom outside for a walk. She seemed distant but we were able to, more or less, carry on a conversation. I have been told, many times, that I shouldn't go to see mom everyday. It is difficult thought when I know that she is looking forward to seeing me.

When I got to the home this morning mom was in a wheelchair. She didn't complain during the hour that I was there.

My son went to visit this afternoon and my brother was also going today. I am hoping that their visits went well.

I did call my sister after seeing mom this morning. It was a frustrating call but at least I was not in tears afterwards.

Again, thanks for the replies that I have gotten to my earlier post.








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Hi everyone,

Thanks for the helpful hints that you have given to me. I especially want to thank you for the encouragement that you have given me. It seems like this forum was a good place to come for me to get support in my journey (also hope to be able to help others)

I kept crying last night. I guess that I was just so frustrated with all of it. I also suffer from a clinical depression and I think that the stress of what has been going on lately, has just been too much for me.

I went to see my mom this morning. I was glad that I went when I did because they told me that she had been waiting for me. She had a poor night, woken up this morning screaming and crawling on the floor. I asked to talk to the lpn that was on duty this morning. She had no idea of what kind of night that mom had. Some of the night staff are notoriously negligent on doing the proper paperwork for the day staff to know what has gone on during the night.

We talked for a while (it seems like I talk to them everyday, I think that they cringe when they see me coming) and said that I was concerned over her behavior during the past week. Mom had a slight bladder infection earlier in the week. Not enough for anit-biotics. I am not sure if the problem has worsened and they need to do something about it. The nurse said that she would make sure that another urine test was complete. She also said that she was on duty for the next couple of days and that she would make a point of checking on her status, every morning. She also said that she would leave a note (in her notes) for the next lpn on duty to make sure that she keeps up with things.

It was a nice day here so I took mom outside for a walk. She seemed distant but we were able to, more or less, carry on a conversation. I have been told, many times, that I shouldn't go to see mom everyday. It is difficult thought when I know that she is looking forward to seeing me.

When I got to the home this morning mom was in a wheelchair. She didn't complain during the hour that I was there.

My son went to visit this afternoon and my brother was also going today. I am hoping that their visits went well.

I did call my sister after seeing mom this morning. It was a frustrating call but at least I was not in tears afterwards.

Again, thanks for the replies that I have gotten to my earlier post.








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I can understand the desire of your sibs to keep her moving but sounds like the time has come for teh W/C. Hopefully when they see her in it and realize she feels safer the kerfuffle about it will be over.

As far as going over there every day I would say if it makes you feel better go ahead! But if its wearing you down STOP!

I don't think you can keep everyone happy. You are doing what is best for mom. Hang in there and do what you know is right in your heart!!! Then you will have peace

Hi WantMomBack,

Couple of observations from the other side of the wall - working in Residential with folks with Dementia.

We generally try to keep people on their feet as long as possible, even if their movement looks awkard. I've seen it quite a few times, once someone goes into a chair full time, they can go downhill pretty quickly mentally and physically because they stop trying and physical independance almost dissapears. The best staff will be keeping a close eye on Mum, using the chair if she has an infection or a bad day for any other reason, encouraging and supporting her to keep walking on other days. Not sure what your mum's circumstances are, but this could be a phase, especially if she's gone in to full-time care recently. If walking with a frame really is causing her distress, push hard to have a proper mobility assesment done.

Regards Mum's behavious when you're there, it's possible that her upset/ wanting to go home is much much worse while you're actually there. Don't take this personally, it's almost like an instinctual thing. See plenty of people who are generally quite settled but their anxiety levels go through the roof while family are visiting. It can be part of the reason relatives feel so guilty.

Either way, You're right to say your visits are the bright spot of mum's day. Don't necessarily have to be every day or for hours at a time. 20 minutes 3/4 times a week seems perfect in my experience. Less often is fine as she gets more settled. Folks who get regular, loving, stress-free visits from family live longer and get more comfortable, without a doubt. Dementia is a funny illness - they live moment to moment so try and make each one special while you're there. Try to drop your worries when you walk out the door.

I've never had a parent in care, salute you for coping with it as well as you are. It's far, far easier to look after someone else's parents. Remember as well, some of us do care. I certainly didn't do it for the money.

Hi,

Thanks for you posting. It is good to hear the opinions of someone who is a staff member working with residents with dementia. Though the families of the residents probably don't say it enough, we do appreciate the care that staff shows for our loved ones. Since I often visit mom I see a lot of the stuff that staff members have to cope with on their shifts. Many times when I leave I tell the staff "I don't care how much they pay you, it isn't enough". I know that my mom is well cared for.

Some of the staff members on my mom's unit often go to the residents and give them hugs. I know they realize how much it means to people, like my mom who have gotten to the point in their lives that they don't have the human touch that they used to get at home. I can see how my mom's eyes light up, when she gets a hug or someone signs a picture with a "love you".

I really do "want mom back". Unfortunately she can no longer advocate for herself. I went to see her this afternoon. She has a private room, with her own bathroom. When I came into her room I could hear how difficult it was for the aide to get mom to transfer back to the wheelchair. She seems to be at the point that she cannot understand even the simpliest instruction. I went into the bathroom and had to help Marilyn get her into the wheelchair and even at that she almost fell to the floor.

I talked with the lpn, yet again, and we decided that it is dangerous for her to try to use the walker anymore, at least until we can get some plan in place with a physiotherapist.. In addition to not being able to process some of the stuff in her head, she no longer has the physical strength to walk alone safely. I have a call in to the care director of the home, to get mom re-assessed so all of the staff know that she needs more help than she did when she entered the facility at the start of April, and can adjust her care acccordingly.

Part of the problem is that mom is in a brand new facility. They just opened in February and now have more than 150 residents. I talked to the physical therapist that works there part-time and she said that they gave them more than 100 referrals but they were not priorized so mom was still a few months down the road, from seeing her.

When I told the therapist of my mom's condition she said that mom was at a "high risk of falling". If she falls her life-span will be dramatically shortened. She is going away on holidays so giving me advice over the phone, was all that she could do for me.

I will go to the home tomorrow and make sure that I talk to the person in charge of resident care. I will get something done this week. If I have to go to a private firm (we are Canadians so we have a government health-care system that owns my mom's facility so she pays a rent that is based on her income, all her care is "included") I will do that because we need to have some professional direction. As much as the regular staff can help, we need a professional assessment from someone who can make sure my mom is safe.

She was not in the greatest of moods when I first went to see her this afternoon. When we got things all straightened around she was happy to sit and visit with me for a while. Just before I left I got out a photo album and was looking at pictures when I left the room. When my brother went later they had a nice visit.

Tonight (and I that is all that I ask for) all is good.

My Mom to has ddementia. It is so imporant to keep them mobile. I know my Mom has been in a wheel chair for most of the time. Now the nursing home is making them walk to and from the lunch room. And she seems better then ever, However when she does walk there is always someone behind her. I;m thinking the nursing home must believe she is stable other wise they would take percautions.
You mentioned that your that My brother and sister doesn't want her in a wheel chair.The thing we all have to realize is the differance between not wanting because she doesn't need it or is it because they can't accept it yet. I think BH7575 said it right. There not there all the time. I can tell you from experance they probably mean no harm. I live far away but wanted to support my sister so I would look things up on the internet and say things like "we can try this or maybe we can do that" One day she caught me by surprise when she said to me. "You mean me, not us, there is no us," It took that to make me realize while I missed my Mother everyday and felt guilty but it still all rested on my sister. Sense then I lost 2 sisters 6 months apart now it is up to me to do the best I can long distance. I still feel guilty because my sister to went up there every single day. and because I can't give my Mom the extra finachal assitance my sister could. I am trying to learn my best is good enough Althouguh I want her to have everything I reaize i can't even have everything. I really apprecated your response to her when she said she wants to go home and you say "We go over and over the fact that she rents a room. That she has her own room and bathroom.". My mom shares a room with a very sick lady. But I have been trying to help my Mom by telling her that she can be a huge help to other people when we were sitting at the table my Mom noticed the lady across from her not eating they never unwrapped her silverware nor did they give her a straw. My mom was able to let them know. They really do look out for one another. Sorry for going on but you reminded me so much of my sister so dedicated. In the end maybe you could have the physical theapst look at her and they could make that dession for you. I am glad you found this group I have found it to be hepful to me. And you gave me much encouragment. Thank you

My niece works as a social worker in an ALZ unit. Often talks with family members to help them with issues you describe.
Wheel chair is getting around like a car. She still needs pt. Maybe taking the load off her need to get around will improve her mood in time. My Mom loves it when she gets to the chair or motorized cart when shopping. Because she is so worn out trying to get around otherwise.
P

I have worked in a Skilled Nursing Facility and it sounds like WC is best for her now. The comment re: falling at an elderly age is very true. An injury is very difficult to recover from, mentally and physically. In most cases it is the final decline. Glad to hear she is in a WC. She will be safer and happier with a much better quality of life than with an injury. God bless!

I thought of another reason that sibs don't get it:
If they try and understand, they will feel guilty for never helping out. It is easierr to stay away and work up some anger at the one stuck doing all the care. Then they get to sit in their easy chairs and watch TV while complaining aobut how terrible we are who actually are stuck with all the actual work!
It is always easier to judge another than it is to understand and help or offer support.

Just got back from spending a week of vacation, with my sister.

When I tried to talk about mom, the conversation topic was changed. Thought that we might be able to have some honest conversations on just how mom is doing.

She is coming home next month. Maybe my brother, sister and I will be able to talk together then about the situation.

Went to see mom today and she seems to be much safer in wheelchair. Also the home put in some safety poles by her bed, and in the bathroom.

Hopefully she will be able to use them and won't be crawling as much when she gets out of bed.

Keep fingers crossed that the brakes are on when she tries to get in, or out, of the wheelchair.

Glad to be back.

Sorry to hear about your mother's dementia. What ever nursing facility your mother is in, they'll make the decision without family involvement should they deem it necessary for your mother to be wheel chair bound. Also, (federal law, SNF policy); no nursing home can physically restrain a patient; whether it be feet, arms or legs to a bed or chair. A hospital can but NO nursing or nursing rehab facility. Dementia patients should be in physical therapy whenever possible. Patient falling is a liability to the facility so they want to be very sure their patients are in a safe environment and safety measures are in place.

Unfortunately, when family lives far away, they can't see the day to day deterioration but since it's "you" that does, I would take whatever measure you feel necessary to keep your mother as safe as possible.

This is not going to be an easy road for you, I've been through this twice now. It's a very painful, guilt ridden process. Dementia is a despicable sickness.