Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
Some of you may know that I recently found out my dad is a sociopath. So today I was visiting my doctor and my blood pressure had spiked in spite of it being normal whenever I check it at home or somewhere else. Since it was obvious that it was higher because I was on my way to visit my dad after leaving the doctor's office, I thought it was time to tell her what I'd been through in my 55 year nightmare with dad. Everything poured out. She sat there listening, sympathy in her eyes, then she started to tell me things about my dad that I hadn't even told her.
I thought I'd pass this alone because I know that I'm not alone in having a parent who is not sane. She said I was right about the sociopath, but that that is a final stage of his real illness bipolar disorder. I told her about how as a child my mom trained me to tell when he was in his evil stage. It was the eyes. They look different. Almost like he has an identical twin who looks different enough to tell them apart. The doctor said that this is the manic side of his illness.
She said that people with this illness are strong and generally live a long time. Scientist have studied this phenomenom but as of yet they have no understanding of why this is so. They are usually religious, she said(this without me telling her this) and are prone to hallicinations(this is true of dad).
Now for the sad part. She said he is more dangerous to me than anyone else. They are none to kill their own children. She talked about the number of women who've killed their children and how most of them have the same illness as dad.
My doctor than went on to say that I need to stay away from him and that when I visit to make sure there is more than one way out. She also suggested counseling for me to deal with this whole thing.
I'm in enemy territory here. I can't just get up and leave because I'm an only child. There's no one else that can or will help.
I know that most of us in this group are older. But I'd like to direct this to young people--please be very careful who you pick as a mate. One day when you're long gone or maybe have even divorced this person, your children will be left like me--trying to help a parent who is dangerous and who has destroyed so much of her life. Remember, you can divorce a spouse but a child can rarely just walk away from a parent, especially when the parent is as old as my dad.
I thought I'd pass this alone because I know that I'm not alone in having a parent who is not sane. She said I was right about the sociopath, but that that is a final stage of his real illness bipolar disorder. I told her about how as a child my mom trained me to tell when he was in his evil stage. It was the eyes. They look different. Almost like he has an identical twin who looks different enough to tell them apart. The doctor said that this is the manic side of his illness.
She said that people with this illness are strong and generally live a long time. Scientist have studied this phenomenom but as of yet they have no understanding of why this is so. They are usually religious, she said(this without me telling her this) and are prone to hallicinations(this is true of dad).
Now for the sad part. She said he is more dangerous to me than anyone else. They are none to kill their own children. She talked about the number of women who've killed their children and how most of them have the same illness as dad.
My doctor than went on to say that I need to stay away from him and that when I visit to make sure there is more than one way out. She also suggested counseling for me to deal with this whole thing.
I'm in enemy territory here. I can't just get up and leave because I'm an only child. There's no one else that can or will help.
I know that most of us in this group are older. But I'd like to direct this to young people--please be very careful who you pick as a mate. One day when you're long gone or maybe have even divorced this person, your children will be left like me--trying to help a parent who is dangerous and who has destroyed so much of her life. Remember, you can divorce a spouse but a child can rarely just walk away from a parent, especially when the parent is as old as my dad.
I don't have any words of wisdom to share apart from sympathizing with you and say that you are a much better person than I, because I would not be able to stand by a man like your father. Hugs.
My mom would be mortified. She gave up her entire life in order to insure that I not end up like her. And now I'm exactly like her and it's the same man.
You don't mention whether your dad is getting any psychiatric help. From what you say of your life, it sounds like he isn't. From you description it also sounds like he probably wouldn't seek it out.
I have had the bipolarII diagnosis for many years now. I am very med-compliant. I have regularly scheduled doctor appointments and also go see my psychiatrist if things seem to be going south.
I didn't ask for this disease but try to make sure that I am covering all of the bases.
The people, in my life, are all well aware of what is going on in my life and all have been told to tell my sister if they think that anything is amiss.
I wish that your father had been able to get the right kind of psychiatric care.
It is scary that your dad is in the state that he is. It is most scary, that he is inflicting such pain on your life. No one deserves to live in such fear.
One thing I do want to make clear is that it isn't true that those of us that are bipolar, are all sociopaths. Like with all illnesses there are varying degrees of severity.
Your doctor seems very well versed on the issue of people with bipolar disorder.
Since she is I am sure that she told you how vigilent the children of a parent with biploar need to be concerning their own mental health
You just have to check out the statistics of the increased prevelence of parents "passing it on" to their children.
You only have to google it.
We all have two parents. It is a crap shoot when one is ill.
To end this off I want to make it clear that not all bipolar people are poor parents,.I never gave up and did a heck of a lot better than a lot of people who didn't have a "mental illness" My children have always known that they were very loved, and wanted by both of their parents.
Their father never, ever indicated to them that I was not a fit parent. Also he never has said that he wished that he hadn't married me..
Like I said earlier, I had my kids before I was dianosed. No one knew. When there is a possiblilty that I may have passed on my disorder to my children. I am unable to turn back the clock.
Before adding the comment, I made sure that I kept my promise to be nice.
So far (they are both in their thirties) and they are ok. Most importantly they have been well-educated as to just what it means to have a mental illness. And as an added note, their partners also know. Educationand self-awareness is the key.
I am a genetic carrier of an illness too. I made it a point not to carry it to another generation. It was a personal decision for me. I'm not saying that everyone should do what I did. It depends on what the illness is and if it's manageable with medication. I know my father would be fine if he'd only take the medication. Then both of us can go back to the way things were before. It's just so tiring to deal with this and be the only one to deal with it. I'm tired of the hallucinations and strange things he says. I know he can't help how his brain is made anymore than someone else with a mental challenge. But there's help out there in the form of medication. It's not necessary to suffer like you're back in the middle ages. My doctor said that he can get one shot once a month and that would be enough.
Went to bed and have just been laying there, awake. Finally I decided to get up and see if you had replied. I am very concerned about your situation.
I suppose we all make our decisions based on the facts that we have at the time. I am sorry that you are having toi face it alone.
Ir must be very frustrating to know that there is, most likely, a relatively easy solution tio your problem, that is just beyond your grasp.
I was the sole care-giver for my mom until she had to go into a personal care home. It took me over a year to recover. After she left all I wanted to do was sleep and to have people leave me alone. I go see her now but even the hour a day makes me exhausted.
It must have been a difficult decision for you to make to not have children. Like I said, I didn't know that I was so ill when I had my kids, so second guessing will get me nowhere.
I hope that things will improve with your dad. Getting back to a somewhat normal life must almost seem like a pie in the sky for you.
It is now after 1 am, where I am. This time I will really go off to sleep.
I hope that, somehwere, somehow you can find at least a little bit of peace tonight.
I loved my dad till the very last minute. But I had to do a hell of growing up since he died and I was left to deal with my mother and my husband's alcoholism (he's now been sober for over 2 years). If my dad came back to life today I'd only let him back in my life if he tried to treat himself both physically and mentally. I just couldn't deal with it all again.
Perhaps you don't realise you have a choice, even if that choice is a very hard one to make. I still have to keep repeating this to myself over and over. I believe that when I don't have my dog (who is 13) I am leaving my mother behind. I only feel a big void. I look and try to find love but there's nothing left. It makes me feel empty being around her . Or angry.
I hope you see a way out. Keep safe. Big hug x