Oh, WOW dpoe56, you are really taking on a lot.

As soon as I feel badly I read some more discussions and thank God for my lucky stars. There are organizations that give good info for dealing with dementia, including the Alzheimer Association. I do not correct my mom. She feels bad enough, bless her heart. I just smile, or change the subject.

Yes, my father does love her and wanted her to live for as long as she could, but often they don't think about what all that entails. I know my dad did not, or he would not have forced the issue.

Bless you and remember to take care of yourself.

Hugs

There's no easy solution to taking care of two elderly parents, especially with your mother's condition and now your father's illnesses. Your father's illnesses I'm sure they can handle and get him back home soon. The cognitive test shouldn't take too long to get the results. I would wait until that diagnosis comes back and then take it from there.

Aricept is only going to work for so long, nothing really staves off the disease forever. At least she took it for as long as she could and it helped her for a long time. My MIL refused to take it so she declined mentally very quickly.

It's almost a day to day process where you handle what comes up that day or week. Sometimes they level off for awhile and then there's a decline.

You need to take care of yourself, don't forget about you in all this. It's easier said than done but I'm sure others will agree. We all have a tendency to put our needs last and then comes the caregiver burnout....

Im so sorry dear.

You are in a tough spot to be sure and unfortunately there is only so much you can do about it. I am going to throw out a few ideas for you to consider, but please don't think they are gospel because everybody is different!

If the Aricept is no longer working for your mom why keep giving it to her. Could help reduce expenses.

I am leery of Aricept in the first place. It made my Dad so sic he could not eat or stand up! It can have terrible side effects!

How is your mom's hearing and eyesight? My mom makes a lot of mistakes just because her hearing and eyesight are so poor.

So yes. I do correct her at times when it is something she needs to know

Don't count on them always remembering who you are.

Get some help in once in a while so you can get away for a bit.

this may sound strange, but when my aunt had so much trouble remembering, I ended up being grateful. I was the one who had to take her for tests she hated, or make her do things that were uncomfortable...and she was MAD as a wet hen! I was glad when she forgot those things more quickly. grateful.
as for my mom now...sometimes she forgets things and it surprises me...especially since we went over so much stuff..but I learned from my experiences with my mother in law, that if she wanted something,and I got it...and she kept asking for it...I could just give it again and again...and she was always happy she got it...even after 47 times.
All of it scares me to my core...but I know I can't change it. I have had luck with music and photo albums and hearing stories (even on repeat)...and it makes her happy.
Also, for a friend who had brain cancer, I set up a visitor'slog in her room...and people signed in and left comments...even the nurses or doctors used it at times...noting when stuff was delivered (equipment) etc.

I am so sorry for all you are going through, it is very hard to watch our parents decline.

There are 2 methods to dealing with parents declining memories. One is to work constantly to reorient them to reality, the here and now. The other is to accept it and reinform them of the situation without reorienting them.

My wife (a nurse) is a proponent of the first option. As I saw my mom decline to the point where she could not remember things, but knew that she was not remembering, I switched to the second method. I invoked the "mom is not your patient" clause to get my wife to stop the reorienting because it made my mom feel bad that she could not remember.

I think you will have to make up your mind as to which option you choose. (You can also blend things, or switch back and forth a bit, kind of like reorient her on good days, and reinform her on the other days.) As for me the distinction lies in a couple questions: can your mom recognize that she is forgetting, and does it bother her to be reminded that she is always forgetting things? Ponder those for some time, then I think you will have your answer.

But knowing what path to take does not mean it will be easy. I'm watching my dad decline, and it is hard.

Gentle hugs

I am sorry you have to deal with so much at one time. I would recomend you get them into an assisted living as soon as you can. The non profit ones cost less., you can still help a lot but you too will have help. All of you are going to need help as this progresses. The Area Agency on Aging are very helpful. Hugs

Dear dpoe56,

You are in a VERY difficult situation. I have been in your shoes, albeit a little differently, and my heart goes out to you and your parents. I totally empathize with your situation having been a 24/7 full-time, including live-in, caregiver for my parents simultaneously and for several years doing everything imaginable for and with them, as you, too, are experiencing. It's not just so sad but also so very overwhelming...and, at times, seemingly impossible.

My mother, like yours, has Parkinson's and, when my father had a massive stroke, things went from bad to unbearable. (I'm an only child and had no family or friends to help me/us.) I hope that what I write here will be helpful to you.

Although my mother does not yet have the cognitive difficulties that your mother has, most people with PD suffer some form of cognitive decline in the advanced stages of the disease, with some having serious memory loss similar to Alzheimer's in the end. I am not saying this to make you sadder than you already are but to gently suggest that you consider options as your mother's cognition and PD continue to decline. While you may be able to manage with some private-duty in-home care, you may want to consider assisted-living facilities with memory care. At the very least, familiarize yourself with ALF's in your area. Let me know if you'd like info. in this regard. I've been through the process twice with ALF's and skilled-nursing facilities (SNF's). Better to be informed and prepared than to be confronted with an emergency placement and not know what to do and where to place a parent. Hospital workers and their social workers will give you a booklet with listings of facilities and say, "Pick one." That's what happened to me, and it was awful, especially, too, since I had no one to guide me or otherwise help me with any of this as I was juggling caring for both parents to boot.

Anyway... Like your mother, my mother is showing signs of difficulty with the use of her phones, land-line and mobile. In part, it's that the fingers have a difficult time pressing the small keys and, in part, it's a problem with mental processing. You may want to look into getting her a phone for the disabled with larger key pads that make dialing easier. So far, I've only found such phones (in stores and on-line) in the form of corded land-line phones, but at least it would still enable your mother to use a phone. For cognitive difficulties, I suggest that you write down or type up simple step-by-step instructions for using the phone so she can, hopefully, follow them better than the phone manual itself, which may be too complex for your mother at this point. At least try to have her know when and how to dial 911 in the event of an emergency. Eventually, we both, like our mothers, must acknowledge that things like the phone are no longer usable, as difficult as that will be.

With respect to memory assists, how about keeping a large calendar for your mother that can be hung on a wall convenient for her? You can write down not just appointments but things of importance that happened that day or the prior day, like her call from her sister or other key things discussed and agreed upon within the family. I keep such a calendar in my mother's room at her assisted-living facility (ALF), which I hung at a height that enables her to view it while standing with her walker and when seated in her wheelchair and in a place where she can't ever miss it. For now, it's appointments and events that I write down, but eventually, I'll add more and more to it as memory aids when that time comes. We talk enough each day, so it's not really necessary yet, but I started it so she'd get into the routine of looking at it and also to not always calling me for the info. (Now, too, her physical and speech therapists are also using it, which helps me to know when they've been there without my mother having to call me or remember to tell me at my next visit.) You may want to keep a family calendar or separate ones for each parent with different info. and in different places suited best for each of them.

With respect to make-up and other things, you can put post-its on her bathroom drawer or make-up case so she knows there is make-up inside. Alternatively, you can buy a see-through container that will hold her make-up and that she can keep on a bathroom counter or elsewhere where she can see it and put on her make-up. What's worked well for my mother since she's been at the ALF is clear containers of different colors with easy snap-on lids. She has a blue one for make-up, a light green one for office supplies, etc., and I've also labeled them. I also bought her a relatively large but still liftable square basket into which she can dump miscellaneous stuff, never imagining when I bought it how important it would become. She uses it for so much and knows it's the first place to look if she can't find something. Recently, I even bought her a small, clear container without lid that's situated in one part of the basket for the small miscellaneous items that would always get lost among the bigger objects in the basket. As a caregiver, it's also helpful to me since it's the first place I look when something goes missing and it limits the places I have to tidy up when I visit (since PD can cause some people, like my mother, to get very disorganized). Also, when my mother goes into the hospital for more than a few days (and, sometimes, to a SNF afterwards for rehabilitation), I bring this basket along. It's familiar and easy to just grab. In your mother's case, it would also lend well to her need for a certain bit of routine and familiarity at a time when there may be significant upheaval, like a hospital visit.

Blueviolet725 also made an excellent point about a log. When my father had his first massive stroke, he lost his abilities to speak, read, write, etc. and his right-brain memory was significantly impaired. From the day of his stroke until he crossed over 4.5 months later, I was running back and forth daily from morning until late in the evening between my mother, for whom I was still caring at home at that time, and my father at the hospital, then skilled-nursing facility, and then, briefly, at an assisted-living facility. A critical tool for me, nursing staff, therapists, and others was a legal pad and pen which I left on an easily-accessible tabletop or counter in my father's room via which we communicated with one another daily, often even throughout the day. Upon my arrival, I'd always read the most-current notes out loud so that my father would always been in the loop on everything. We'd also refer back to it sometimes, too, as a historical document of sorts where my memory, too, failed me. A few months ago, I came across these notepads as I was finally emotionally able to go through some things saved from that time in our lives and, while I cried the entire time I read them, they were a beautiful, sadly beautiful, gift that brought back some tender memories.

Now to your question regarding how to "deal with both of them forgetting so much?" You know your parents best, so follow your heart with the understanding of each of your parents' separate and distinct memory issues and other problems, and do your best. It's individual-specific and you MUST learn, as I did, to go with the flow. One parent may respond well to being told and retold what happened or is scheduled, while another may require a neutral "Oh, I think we may have done such-and-such already" and then redirecting...and sometimes you may apply the opposite for each parent. It's so very fluid...and you've got to adapt to it to keep your frustrations and stress levels under control. With my father after his first massive stroke, I didn't know what he knew or remembered and what he didn't. Sometimes I explained too much as he'd let me know by facial expressions showing his frustration with me and that he knows it, and other times he was confused because I didn't explain something that I thought he knew or remembered from an earlier conversation. Some days he'd know I'd been there for three hours two hours earlier and was surprised to see me back so soon, and other times he's be upset because he was sure I'd abandoned him when I'd just been gone for an hour or two. It was all so devastating and, somehow, I always kept my cool, reminding myself to go with the flow each and every moment of each and every day with him.

These days, at my mother's ALF, I'm friends with several people who have cognitive impairment from strokes and dementias, and I apply what I learned from my experiences with my father during his last months of life. With some, I can say, "Oh, yes, I remember you telling me that" and then engage in conversation about it; with others, I pretend it's the first time I'm hearing it even if it was just told to me less than five minutes earlier and, for my own sanity's sake, I change my responses each time I hear it to keep conversations going. One thing is for sure: even if some of these people no longer remember my name or that my mother is a resident rather than I (ouch!), they remember that I am a good presence in their lives. They light up when they see me and enjoy engaging in conversations, as I do with them...and we connect and enjoy the precious time we have together since I know their life or mine can be snuffed out at any time. In short, it's not always about setting your parents straight on the truth or about facts -- although sometimes it is critical to at least try -- but more about keeping them safe, contented and functioning as well as possible for as long as possible.

Please don't take this the wrong way; I say this gently... There are worse things than having to listen to your father's story for the fifth time or having to remind your mother of conversations. One day, your mother's PD will most-likely rob her of her voice, as it is starting to do with my mother (and as my father completely lost his ability to speak from a stroke) or, worse.... We will lose our parents, assuming we survive them, and then we look back and wish for these times, however difficult they are, when we still had them in our lives. I lost my father two years ago this past Sunday (March 1), and I miss him terribly each and every day.

All this being said, dpoe56, please know that I empathize with your stress and frustrations since I, too, have been and continue to be on this very difficult and often overwhelming caregiver journey, as so many of us are...and the numbers keep growing. I hope you'll consider your options since, with time (if not already now), you will not be able to care for your parents alone. In addition to in-home caregiver services and memory care ALF's or ALF's with memory-care wings, check for a local Parkinson's group and Alzheimer's group. I have attended caregiver groups at both, as well as educational presentations/seminars they host. (Alzheimer's groups are not just for people with AD; they help anyone with cognitive issues, regardless of the cause.) Also, my local Alzheimer's group has social "clubs" for men and women, meaning a caregiver can drop off a loved one with cognitive issues to enjoy a few hours of fun activities and lunch, thereby giving the caregiver a much-needed break in the meantime. Also, there are adult day care centers which take elderly individuals for anywhere from four to eight hours per day at relatively reasonable rates. These may be good first steps prior to actual ALF placement, if that even is an option for you.

Lastly, please know, too, that there is no shame in acknowledging when you can't do it yourself anymore. Few of us can care for two aging parents alone for years on end and especially as their health declines. I couldn't continue to do it, not even for only my mother after we lost my father. As difficult as it was, I knew when it was time to surrender to what had to be done. I've had no regrets and, while it took months, my mother came to realize that I had acted in her best interest and has accepted her need for 24/7 professional care.

I'll share with you what's been my mantra these past few years: "Find A Way." Sort of along the lines of Nike's "Just do it" advertisements, I guess. LOL Somehow, I always found a way, be it solutions for problems or, at its worst, a way to breath just to make it through to the next minute. I had it on a post-it in several places until it became my mantra. Perhaps you'll find it useful, too.

I wish you well with both parents and hope your father's transition home goes as smoothly as possible. If there's any way in which I can help, just let me know.

I am caring for both my parents too. Mom is 97 and in hospital for a uti.

She needs an official diagnosis but is delusional, apart from uti. Hopefully she'll be in a rehab today and we'll go from there. I try not to argue with her and just listen to the rants.

My father, 95, has short term memory loss from a stroke 3 yrs ago and I manage to remain patient with him. I've even explained why he has this condition. He's at home.

I really like the suggestion of having them tell stories of their past as a way to relate. It's so sad to see them struggle to remember things.

Thank you SandHarbor3 for your post. It was extremely helpful to me.

You're very welcome, moresmiles. I didn't realize how long my reply was until I saw (and read) it again just now! I know it took quite a while to write...Now I know why! I'm glad it's helpful to you. Also, I'm so sorry that you, too, are caring for both parents and, moreover, that you are dealing with cognitive issues with both. In another discussion, we'd exchanged words re: your mother's hospitalization, as you may recall. I'm saddened to read that it's not only a UTI but more that has her in such a bad state. Keeping my fingers crossed for your mother and wishing you continued strength and patience.