Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
Hello Everyone,
I am not sure if this is the right group for me, as I am not a full-time caregiver for my mother, but here is my story.
My father died 2 years ago. Six months after he passed, my mother, aged 74 suffered a hernaited disc in her back, and fell on her knee.
She had back surgery and knee replacement-- the knee done three months ago. Long story short, I live 2 1/2 - 3 hours from her and have been her sole emotional support. I have a brother who is useless in this area.
I am having a hard time separating/detaching emotionally when I am not with her physically. She is mostly in the house except for physical therapy 3 mornings a week. She has help in the mornings and evenings. I want her to start making efforts to have more in her life and less dependent on me. When my Dad died, she was determined to have a life, but after these past 18 months with her phsyical issues, I feel like she is settling for less. Up until the knee surgery, she really had a hard time with mobility. Although she is improving, I worry that after so long, her recovery will be limited. She keeps talking about, "When I am better..." and believes she will drive again. I am not so sure. She has been clear about not wanting to live in a senior community.
I get into downward sprials, and often feel hopeless.
I am sure for many of you on here, you wish you had the time away like I do, and my situation pales in comparison, but I am making any efforts I can to cope with this all.
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I invited Bill to have dinner with me last Sunday. He wasn't willing to drive 7 hours to mid Michigan and teased me with his beautiful ribs!!! So, of course I ate alone and had cedar salmon
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
It is very hard to see our parents making bad decisions, or decisions we disagree with, but until those decisions become life threatening we have to let them make them.
One thing that works well for many of us here is to set limits on our parent's behaviors and consequences that go with that behavior. For example, when your mother suggests that you should move in with her, or spend all your free time with her, you can tell her that you can't do that and that she needs to consider moving closer to you if she wants more of your time. Then change the conversation.
Another thing that works is to focus on changing yourself. I have given myself permission to vent about my 96 year old MIL (who lives with us). I vent to my wife, to my friends, and in controlled ways to my adult children. And to people here on DS as well!!!!
One last thing that has worked for me: I focus on quality of life with for my MIL, and understand that she needs to be the judge of that. Yes, she uses way too much salt on things, but if it makes food taste better then she can balance the salt with pills that help her flush salt from her body. And yes, we think of things like "better 2 more years of life eating salt that keeps her happy versus 4 more years of life complaining about everything.
Hey I hope your name does not suggest that you use too much Pepper on things : ).
You are right. It is hard to see them make certain choices and just have to sit and watch. The thing
is sometimes I think they want to get a rise out of you. Like people we have to be careful because
unknowingly we have become sort of like entertainment for them.I mean Pepperman was right. You
have to go through a process to change yourself. However that process unfolds itself to you.You have
to trust the process not be anxious or agitated or saddened. Allow, embrace, surrender and this calmness
that will encircle you will become evident to them. We will all be on that side of the fence one calm summer
day right? They are so scared and fragile and strong at the same time.It is hard when it falls all on one person.
When I was young I remember old people being very nice.Now because We are older- we see a different
perspective.?Trust the hell out of me when I tell you I have learned some crazy Sh-- about life. Most of the
scenarios that we experience has NOTHING NOTHING to do with the other people. It is teaching you things
and showing you things about your own self,your own attitude, our Ego, our temperament.It is not about
them it is about us.Every time you encounter this person in your life it will reveal something about you. Like
Pepperman said- you will find you have to change this or that. If they want to be with us all the damn time and I know I know I get it . Our ego says its not possible plus I'll go nuts. What if you were able to Master your ego
so that them saying that does not even phase you. What if you were so comfortable and managed your time
so well that you could have them with you and not miss a beat in your own life.Babies just know I want bottle,
I want a lift up. I want kisses, we give it,we love on them.Remember the saying Once a man Twice a child-You
know the meaning to this if not look it up.What if we loved on our older loved ones So Hard- to the point
where they are sick of us- till they are telling us Alright already can I have some me time - Or they say you know I'll only use half the salt if you give me a little space.- You have to wear them down people- just like
babies when you love on them hard their good, they are satisfied-and just want to sleep. But tis but a wish ; )
Yup, once an adult, twice a child.
She may well be able to drive again and that's a good thing
Is she able to get out at all now? walking?
Even if she has limitations she can still get out.... Both of my parents at some point had to use walkers but they still enjoyed getting out … People can rent wheelchairs and get out for some fresh air and Wheeltrans gets people where they want to go
I would encourage her when she's able to start to get out even for coffee.... If you think that your dad's passing is something she's struggling with a bereavement group could be of help to her
I think the detaching is something most of us have had a hard time with …. I wore guilt on my shoulders for year for everything I was unable to fix..... Which was pretty narcissistic of me.....sigh but it messed me up
Gentle hug sweetie..... We have limitations and we can't fix everything no matter how much we'd love to
Accepting that is a gift to you and taking care of you is what you deserve..... If your mom doesn't want to take steps to start getting out now with devices that can help her..... That's HER decision because she can make that choice
I agree with Pepper..... Vent, vent, vent..... These can be really tough and painful days......Big squishy hug.....xo