I'm sorry you have to deal with that. It's hard enough taking care of your mom the best way you know how only then to have your brother makes things worse for everyone involved with your mom's care. It can make you feel like you are losing your mind. But all you want (what all of us want) is answers and the know how's.

A couple of questions. Have you explained to your brother the situation with her (i.e.- does he know what all you and your mother is going through)? Is it his offer to take her for the weekend or do you ask him to do it? Have a family meeting with everyone, including your mom, and talk about her care. Ask questions like "What does she/you want?" "What does she need?" "Who can do...?" It may help to "lay the cards on the table" and brainstorm.

Most importantly, please take time for yourself and your husband. Do not let this interfere with your marriage. If things seem to be getting bad between you and him, step back and take a break. Trust me, i have been through it.

I hope this helps you!

I'm sorry you have to deal with that. It's hard enough taking care of your mom the best way you know how only then to have your brother makes things worse for everyone involved with your mom's care. It can make you feel like you are losing your mind. But all you want (what all of us want) is answers and the know how's.

A couple of questions. Have you explained to your brother the situation with her (i.e.- does he know what all you and your mother is going through)? Is it his offer to take her for the weekend or do you ask him to do it? Have a family meeting with everyone, including your mom, and talk about her care. Ask questions like "What does she/you want?" "What does she need?" "Who can do...?" It may help to "lay the cards on the table" and brainstorm.

Most importantly, please take time for yourself and your husband. Do not let this interfere with your marriage. If things seem to be getting bad between you and him, step back and take a break. Trust me, i have been through it.

I hope this helps you!

thank you for the response 4jesus

In the past i would try and organise my brother to spend time with her, that was a disaster as i was accused of forcing them ....so now i allow everyone to work on their own relationships...if you want a relationship with your mother then you need to make time to spend with her etc...in the past mom would fake being sick and i would call him and the paramedics ...but it was always false alarm and the medical profession realised it was her only was of having him come to her...very sad situation ...and yes i tried explaining why her doctor said...but he blamed me for overacting...so now i dont call him. if she needs to talk to him i dial the number and hand her the phone ....my relationship with him is good because he doesnt feel pressured by me anymore......but her behaviour is making my life hell at home...and yes me and hubby are finding it hard :(

Sounds a little like what I went through. My brother didn't and still doesn't like being "forced" to do something (like he feels he has no choice) or lectured about anything. He's older than me, but I seemed to have had the maturity with certain things. But he also distanced himself from the whole situation and became emotionally detatched. So whenever my mom and brother got together, they never fought like she and I did. But even though we clashed and argued a lot, there was a bond between us that she and my brother didn't have. There is an upside and a downside to it all. But I think one thing I learned was to set boundries. It's not an overnight process and something may backfire, but boundries have to be set, for your sanity. Maybe tell her something like if she calls the paramedics only for attention from you or your brother (and it's not a true emergency), you won't come to her aid (sounds harsh but it's a boundry). Let her know you love her but you won't put up with that behavior.

Selfie, This happens so often in so many families. It's always the ones that do the main caregiving that take the emotional and verbal abuse as they're the ones in the elderly parent's line of sight. And trust me, your mother knows exactly what buttons to push and how much she can get away with. It's extremely poor behavior on her part to punish those taking care of all her needs on a daily basis. But, all she knows is that it's allowed by you so she'll continue on the way she is as long as she's allowed to get away with it. How you go about gaining your personal ground is up to you. I don't think it would hurt to seek out counseling to gain some insight on how to handle her. 4Jesus is correct, you need to set boundaries but that won't ever happen until you overcome your fears of her leaving you. Empowerment is a wonderful thing; we can love our parents but we can not allow them to become overbearing, manipulative and certainly not a source of contention between yourself and your husband. Eventually, if not already, your husband is going to become very resentful that you don't stand up to her especially where she's concerned.

My mother lives with my husband and I and many times has caused unnecessary grief in the house. The antics were unbelievable! For too long a time I let her rule the roost but finally stood up to her a few years ago. Now, any poor behavior is addressed immediately. I simply don't allow it. If you don't stand up for yourself and your spouse, the behavior will continue and just progressively get worse. I never wanted to scold my mother as an adult, I always had a great relationship with her growing up and felt it was disrespectful to address her behavior. But, if you don't they will take and take and take somemore UNTIL the day that YOU put a stop to it. I can tell you from my own personal experience that everyone is much happier in my house when you set boundaries on what's acceptable and what isn't...

I appreciate the situation you are in. My MIL lives with us. I can write a book on how my MIL has been passive aggressive with me on all sorts of issues. But I felt from the start that I needed to stand up to her on issues, and it has worked well.

Your brother needs to own up to his part in this; he needs to know that your mom is acting up when he makes promises that he is not able to keep. Have you told him (without judgment, I know, that is hard) that when his plans fall through that your mother takes it out on you?

Gentle hugs, I know it can be hard

OMG. I just made a post that included a statement about feeling that mom is behind the distance between my sis and me. My sister and I were talking several times a week on the phone and that came to an abrupt stop. I think that mom figured out that I was telling my sis all the things that I went through with her. Mom then convinced my sis that I wasn't telling the truth, which I definitely was. Mom is in severe denial about all her confusion and paranoia.
That Christmas, my sis invited mom but didn't invite me and I usually drive mom to my sister's home. Then the next year they had Christmas at mom's place and they didn't even tell me that they were going to do it and my sis didn't even come by to see me when she was in town. It really hurt.
All I can is advise is that you are right to wonder if telling your sibling(s) what you're going through is a good idea. I wouldn't have that opinion except for what has happened to me.

Wow, just wow. Your sister is not being fair to you. Any other family members close who can help sort this out for you?