Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
Here we go again. Whatever cog my mother is operating from today really despises my attempts to keep her living at home.
There is no way she could be "slapped into a nursing home" as she puts it. I want to though. Because I am tired of her. Sorry if this is mean but I have reached burnout. Not just Mom. Sister and her sons. It is all drama and very mentally ill. I have managed to do ok but feel awful now. Thinking about making some changes but cant see how YET.
You see, Mom has a lot of function. Really. And in our country we are entitled to be mentally ill, elderly with dementia and living at home this way. So I weigh the plus and minus knowing if her mind really fails her, being at home wont be possible no matter what I promised. Some days it looks like she is going that way then SNAP...we are some place else in time and seemingly capable. So I weigh the plus and minus
PROS:
She is forgetting some things.But not to take meds or use oxygen. That is such a long time habit (to count and manage meds) and write her notes. She takes her vitals and weight daily. Knows to take lasix if fluid is more that 2 pounds in the a.m. Can do her banking. Can call someone on the phone and give them h-ll!! In fact, she has a ritual of taking care of business on Mondays. She calls it "b-tching Monday" so stay away from her everyone!! Bathes, dresses, and only needs a cane outdoors.
CONS:
She can not handle her melt down. She can not be alone everyday or is more negative. Staying in the house more than a couple days in a row makes it hard to get her to go some place without panic. She can not handle humid weather (copd) even for a few minutes in a greenhouse getting flowers (recently got her to needing a chair and nausea). She is afraid of the dark. She forgets some of the little towns in our area where she has lived 40 years.
Every night that I said "Nite Ma" I am reminded it may be the last time I see her alive. It use to upset me and if I only focus there too long it will. Instead I have turned away from thinking like that. From all the stress of living with her it is my quest to find a little peace in the day. I am
feeling a bit "stuck" between the pro and con thing. Not knowing how to be objective. Because some days I am burned out and don't want to live here anymore.
P
There is no way she could be "slapped into a nursing home" as she puts it. I want to though. Because I am tired of her. Sorry if this is mean but I have reached burnout. Not just Mom. Sister and her sons. It is all drama and very mentally ill. I have managed to do ok but feel awful now. Thinking about making some changes but cant see how YET.
You see, Mom has a lot of function. Really. And in our country we are entitled to be mentally ill, elderly with dementia and living at home this way. So I weigh the plus and minus knowing if her mind really fails her, being at home wont be possible no matter what I promised. Some days it looks like she is going that way then SNAP...we are some place else in time and seemingly capable. So I weigh the plus and minus
PROS:
She is forgetting some things.But not to take meds or use oxygen. That is such a long time habit (to count and manage meds) and write her notes. She takes her vitals and weight daily. Knows to take lasix if fluid is more that 2 pounds in the a.m. Can do her banking. Can call someone on the phone and give them h-ll!! In fact, she has a ritual of taking care of business on Mondays. She calls it "b-tching Monday" so stay away from her everyone!! Bathes, dresses, and only needs a cane outdoors.
CONS:
She can not handle her melt down. She can not be alone everyday or is more negative. Staying in the house more than a couple days in a row makes it hard to get her to go some place without panic. She can not handle humid weather (copd) even for a few minutes in a greenhouse getting flowers (recently got her to needing a chair and nausea). She is afraid of the dark. She forgets some of the little towns in our area where she has lived 40 years.
Every night that I said "Nite Ma" I am reminded it may be the last time I see her alive. It use to upset me and if I only focus there too long it will. Instead I have turned away from thinking like that. From all the stress of living with her it is my quest to find a little peace in the day. I am
feeling a bit "stuck" between the pro and con thing. Not knowing how to be objective. Because some days I am burned out and don't want to live here anymore.
P
You know I am not in favor of children living with parents. And if they do I think separate spaces are necessary. Any chance of making yourself an apartment within her home? Even if it is by furniture and partitions?
Also you need to get out more. Out with friends.
I'm not sure I really understand how a person who is incompetent can be allowed to live alone. If she can manage the ADLs then that's OK. But if her paranoia is growing and her temper tantrums and angry outbursts are increasing I'm not sure how long she will last at home. Sometimes we have to give them the room to hang themselves.
But...now that I right this I am wondering if your mom has a UTI. The anger and paranoia are classic symptoms. Just before my mom landed in the hospital she was calling her eye doctor and ranting about nothing. She was confused about something and wouldn't stop calling them and yelling at them. I remember her telling me how they messed up. The language she used was not normal but I was distracted and didn;t pick up on it at the time. Later I had to call to cancel her appointment and had a very insteresting conversation with the office manager....included lots of apologizing from me :)
Do you think she might be manipulating you for your attention? I think if she knows Mondays are complaining days, she knows what's going on the other days of the week. Mother's know exactly what buttons to push on us and for the life of me I don't know where that attitude comes from but they develop an incredible sense of entitlement as to what we're doing with our time.
Maybe she's discovered that by being negative ensures that you'll visit more or call more.
I certainly understand the feelings of opening the front door and flying away somewhere! Her comments of "this might be the last time you see or talk to her", that's manipulating....
I've had this done to me so often with my own mother, I couldn't count that high. I call her, "Get Me, Give Me, Buy Me, Drive Me".
Hope you cheer up soon; I hate to see you sad, your always offering everyone such uplifting advice.
IN is Indiana (although we are not a family "from" here originally...New Yorkers...it matters in Baseball hehehe).
I have been reading through a lot on law and mental illness. So made a comment without reference during my rant. There is more on this subject which includes one of my brothers (an attorney). Will leave this alone for now and why I live / provide care for my Mom.
There is a lower part of house I am in and she doesn't use steps so have my escape. But it is not the same as living in my own home. There is a lot of sacrifice to this and I am well aware that I put myself here.
I have taken the summer off to make needed change to my life and in one weeks time the tension has tripped my trigger. You know how things build up and one day it all seems a mess. That is my today, and going out with friends would have been a much better time. I said to someone that I wanted to rent a pontoon for a nice day on the lake. It is finally warm enough to want this and be comfortable.
Wow PD...never thought about the other days of the week (other than b-tching Monday). I am actually laughing right now. OMG...Thank you. Now, if I could just find those buttons she has installed!! Kidding aside, my Dad told me in high school to get therapy to help me deal with how the family dynamics were. So I did.
Perhaps it is why I seem positive most of the time. I take care of that place in me. Because I hope to never suffer the depression that hit me at age 17. It is groups like this that keep me in check.
Thanks for your comments people. I so appreciate you. Hugs
P
As to people with mental illness living alone...well yes they can but not always. If mom were a danger to herself the county would step in and place her or require that changes be made. Mental illness is a wide spectrum.
Have you checking into living options in your area or an area around other family? Do you have independent living or assisted living? You might want to check out the options now so that if a crisis comes you will be prepared. Not all places will take someone with mental illness or they may require sedation.
Sounds like your mom is just mean. If she can do all those things on her own she's doing great. Maybe what she really needs is an indepdendent living apartment where meals would be provided along with cleaning and a life alert. Take her to see a nice one, you might be surprised to find she likes it.