Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
As we approach the time in a couple of weeks when my mom will likely come home from rehab, we are facing just so many issues, so many decisions. Very tough. Do we assume she can get up and down the stairs (all outside entrances have stairs) with her walker... or should we go ahead and have the volunteer group install a ramp?? Is she going to be able to do without the oxygen tank all or part of the time? Is her bladder incontinence (and her reluctance to go BEFORE an emergency!!) going to mean constant clean-up of clothing and bathroom? And what about the new little (used) sofa we just bought? Will she end up peeing on that?? Can she get in and out of her rather high bed? It's too low without the box springs and perhaps too high with them. But it's a very odd size - a long-boy - so we can't just find a futon or something to fit under the mattress to raise the height. Can she get to the bathroom at night on her own?
We took her for measurements for compression stockings today and then, on a whim, asked if she'd like to go to lunch. She said yes... but it was SUCH an ordeal - for all of us. Afterwards, as I brought the car around, she said to Layne, This is really not worth it. So does that mean she's just going to be essentially a shut-in, never going anywhere?
And although I don't really blame her under the circumstances, her constant glum demeanor is so hard to take. She HAS gotten better so I wish she could focus on that and cheer up some. Of course, she knows she's coming home under Hospice so I suppose that in itself if depressing.
It's all just so much. I dread her return home even as I want her here for her sake. What a mess. Thanks for listening.
We took her for measurements for compression stockings today and then, on a whim, asked if she'd like to go to lunch. She said yes... but it was SUCH an ordeal - for all of us. Afterwards, as I brought the car around, she said to Layne, This is really not worth it. So does that mean she's just going to be essentially a shut-in, never going anywhere?
And although I don't really blame her under the circumstances, her constant glum demeanor is so hard to take. She HAS gotten better so I wish she could focus on that and cheer up some. Of course, she knows she's coming home under Hospice so I suppose that in itself if depressing.
It's all just so much. I dread her return home even as I want her here for her sake. What a mess. Thanks for listening.
We can tackle one issue here at a time. For the outside entrance, if you have folks that are willing to install a ramp, do it... It's just plain easier. The oxygen tank; it can be a pain notifying everyone that there's a tank in the house and getting refills etc. but if she needs it, she needs it; nothing you can do there. For the incontinence, don't take a chance, it's diapers or some type of precaution to prevent her from ruining furniture and laundry. I wouldn't take no for an answer there. Demand it...
For the toilet, get one of the bedside bathroom chairs. Of course, there's cleaning there but at least it would be in her room near her bed and she wouldn't have to walk far. For the bed, try the box spring and mattress together, if it's too high, then take the boxspring out and see how she does with just the mattress. If that doesn't work, you'll just need to find a bed and mattress that fits her needs. You can look for just the metal frame, a mattress and box spring. I think you can get the whole set up for less than $400.00 depending on the quality of the mattress.
For her attitude, I know it's a bit depressing to be around a person that's gloomy all day long but I think she's just depressed with her condition right now. She's limited and she knows it and she probably feels like she's being a burden on you. I think if you keep at her when she's home and take her out here and there; the routine will be just that; a routine and you'll find that it's not so hard after all.
I wouldn't let her be a shut-in. Force the issue that she needs to get out and about. If you find that, that option isn't doable any more then you'll need to look into other alternative of in home care.
Don't forget about you here. I'd take one step at a time and go with the flow. It may not be easy at first but I think things will settle into place after a short time.
I'm wishing for the best for you though!
Also be prepared that this may not work out well. You may need to bring in aides to help with her care or you may need to look at assisted living or nursing homes. The key is to find the right solution for your mom and sometimes that takes a few tries.
I would recommend making a few more outings before taking mom home. This will give you a better idea of what you will be dealing with.
Unless a person just drops dead one day there will always come a time when they can't really get out any more.
Please don't think I am being unkind when I say this, but I think you may be in a bit of denial.
Does she like the rehab center at all? Is it also an NH where she could stay for good?
It does not sound like you are going to be able to get much cooperation from her at home where she believes she rules the roost.
I am in full concurrence with the ramp issue. Even if she can manage it now, the time will come when she can not. Better to solve that issue now than later after she falls trying to negotiate the stairs.
There are a variety of bed frames you can use. The low cost angle iron ones are very inexpensive. If they are too low then there are "bed lifters" you can buy that will elevate the bed by about 6 inches. If that is not right, then you can always get a handy man (or handy woman!) to take some wood and custom make some lifters to the height you want. It is not hard, just some 2X4s or 4X4s with a bit of a counter sink so the legs of the bed frame do not come off them.
Oxygen tanks can be very bulky. There are oxygen concentrators that deliver oxygen via tubing to where ever you need it in the house. They are not that expensive, depending on how many liters per minute your mom will need. There are even portable battery operated oxygen concentrators that you can get.
Personal hygiene will always be an issue. Mom is unlikely to want your DH to help in that area, and odds are even stronger that DH will NOT want to do that either. But he should not get a free ride either. (I'm in the same boat, my MIL lives with us.) He should be willing to get the washing machine started and put soiled clothing into the machine.
Yes, going out can be time consuming. Remember how long it took to get young kids ready to go out? But as time passes you will learn tricks to make this time shorter. Things like extra oxygen bottles for in the car, a separate walker for the car, and other things you can think of will make it easier to get out.
Yes, it will be hard, but you will survive!
Gentle hugs
As for "me," well, we are at the moment preparing to go out for some Blues music this evening... and we take frequent walks w/the doggie, planning to join the YMCA too. Hopefully we can continue some of that with help from Hospice staff and volunteers.
I know it will be OK... and I also know that "OK" won't last. As the hospice people have said, she WILL deteriorate sooner or later. I'm ok with that... and I suspect once we get her here and get into the routine, it will all work out better than my current worried state can imagine. It's still my hope to provide care here and keep her out of a NH, at least as long as possible. Time will tell.
I do thank you all for your good thoughts and wishes.