Wow, that is a long time.

A few suggestions:

LIMITS! Set limits with her. We have talked a LOT about that here. The basic idea is to let the person know that you are setting limits and that they need to respect them. There must be consequences to the limits, and those consequences must be enforced. The one about her being very mean is serious, and there should be limits about that.

Some limits are not negotiable. For example, if she swears at you in anger over simple things that is not something that she should be able to negotiate. (What, like she gets to swear at you 3 times a day w/o consequence????) The consequence to this may be that you leave her alone for an hour. Or two, or what ever.

Taking in a non-parent or non-parent in law is very generous of you. Does this lady have any other relatives? Can they help out? Many family members are more than happy to have others do all the work, and have a lot of excuses for why they are not able to help out. So then let them pay $ to have companion care come in and relieve you from time to time.

You may need to go 'nuclear' on her and remind her that she is a guest in your house, and that she needs to give you and your family the respect that you deserve just like you try to respect her. Be very specific about things, telling her that messy eating is wrong, that she needs to wear depends to mitigate accidents, that she can NOT be mean to you, that she needs to respect you just like you try to respect her.

Do NOT let her force you into the 'either or' trap. Like 'either you love her the way she is or you think she is terrible and should die'. This binary approach is common among those who try to manipulate us. As for me personally, when I get the binary approach by a manipulator I tell them the two options I hear them giving me, and let them know that my opinion is somewhere in between the two. But if they want me to make a choice between the two then I will go with the 'you are a terrible person' one because it is more accurate to me than the 'you are an angle' option.

Sorry to go on and on,
Gentle hugs and welcome to the group.

Thanks so much for your reply, the pepperman! Rereading this as I am now, I sound very mean and I do try hard not to be. I should have mentioned that she has mental health issues and a more than half century of experience challenging people. Her brother, who does visit often, and my husband have been trained/programmed? to give in. I, myself, have found it easier at times to not enforce any consequences although, to be fair, I'm smart enough to know that if I don't have her brother and/or my husband's support, I'm fighting a losing battle. And the frustration only builds....she does wear depends but will have diabetic diarrhea and just dump it over without telling me...or maybe that's her way to tell me? Either way, depends are great for the most part and have saved a lot of money and time. We don't have really anyone that will give us a break because they know her habits and her meaness....when she wants something, she wants it right now. Even though she knows you're getting it, mostly food because she eats a lot of small meals, she wants it right that second literally. And then most of the time she'll let it sit there. I'm not sure if she does this for attention because she's never had to worry about food. I just know that our world basically revolves around her or at least it feels that way and I don't know how to change it. I love my husband but we rarely have quality time together. I really was hoping for some pointers from others regarding how they navigate this kind of a situation. It seems that this is going to be a situation that many people will be finding themselves in in the next decade for sure, so I'm glad that this discussion is happening. I also needed to vent,lol. I have a lot of good days but some are just plain crappy....pun intended. I so appreciated your suggestions, only wish my husband could be more consistent with her. He just blows up then forgets about it. Anyway, thanks so much for taking the time to respond. Just knowing that someone is out there helps more than you know. Warm hugs

We have found an agency that offers companion care. My MIL HATES IT WITH A PASSION! She sees it as a violation of her privacy and a huge statement that she is not competent to be alone. I see it as 'training her to accept outside help' so that in the future we can get care to come in for a weekend while Mrs. Pepper and I take a short trip. Companion care is basically a person who sits with people; they will prepare food and assist with bathing and dressing; they do NOT do meds, nor do they have training in things like CPR.

You might want to look into something like this.

Another thing you can do, since it sounds like the bulk of her care rests on your shoulders, is to let your husband know that you are going to be gone for the day (pick a day he is not working) and that is all there is to it. He will nee to tend to her needs all by himself. This may get him motivated to be more involved, and to look into more options and to be assertive and hold her to standards.

Joint therapy for you and your husband may help you two find ways to deal with her.

By all means, FIGHT FOR YOUR FREEDOM!!!