Caring For Aging Parents Support Group

Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.

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CookieLadie 01/26/2012

I'm a 38 year old divorced parent with a teen, and currently the primary "care giver" for my mother, who is only 67 years young. My mother has Rheumatoid Arthritis and has had it as a teen and it's caused so many issues in her body.

I have always been with my mother, until I married and moved to FL for a year. When I came back to MD I was pregnant and due to unforseen circumstances due to my infant son's health problems, decided to stay with my mother for a while, then later on we would get a place for ourselves, but unfortunately my marriage only lasted until 2003, so my decision to move changed due to finances, but it was still in my plan. In 2004, my mother is when my mother's disease took a toll for the worse and because of her neglect in seeing her doctor's regularly, had to have emergency surgery to replace a 15 year old hip replacement, and she stopped working and went on disability.

Now I don't blame her for being afraid, but her doctor's urged her after her hip replacement, to get physical therapy to get better and see her doctor's regularly. She knows that if she stopped moving, it would just worse. She barely does anything now, she won't even make a decision to do anything, she relies solely on me...for EVERYTHING!!! She doesn't want to involve any other family, when she has 2 brothers and I have 3 brothers, so I never talked to them about her. She stopped talking to her friends, and my son and I became her outlet. When I got divorced, I had to work, my mom stepped in to help me with my son, but little did I know but she was acting like he was her son and she wasn't treating him very nicely and I've always had issues with confronting her. She yells at him and tells him what to do from 1st to last and treats him like a slave. He does everything she says without question....because he's a sweet boy, but it's not fair so I'm always trying to get between them to do what she asks. She said that I was too lenient with him and she felt that she needed to take up the slack. Now, he's 13 still starving for my attention, and I feel like I can't have a decent relationship with my son because my mom never wants to be left out of anything...if I want to watch something on television with my son, she has to be there or makes him feel bad for just wanting to be with me, but plays it like a joke, when I know it's not.

Now I'm in a new relationship and we have our own place (by default), because mom's doctor didn't want her to be alone in her house since there were too many steps. We got an apartment, I moved her in with us. She said she would start her physical therapy and do her exercises...she hasn't done either. She's permanently stuck to her crutches and makes excuses for why she can't go without them. If I say something to her, she will get upset and overly defensive then shuts down, hiding in her room for days at a time. Can't invite friends over because she wants to include herself and then act like my company isn't there. She's been evaluated only to find that she is more independent and should have her own place. I think she's too young and too "independent" for Assisted Living, but I feel guilty about having her move into her own apartment...I feel guilty about confronting her... I'm completely frustrated with her because she doesn't seem to care, and I don't know what to do anymore.

shur1 01/26/2012

RA is a long debilitating illness my father had it for over 30 years those who have it are confined eventually to a wheel chair it robs them of their joints fingers where they are unable to hold a spoon. it prevents them from walking as their toes eventually get afflicted with it and they are unable to walk. it is a very painful disease and the pain can be depleting for anyone to get up and moving with that said it sounds like your mother has had this for a very long time when you look at her joints are they forming in a way that is not natural? is she exercising them regularly as this will help her joints not to stiffen up as much. is she in constant pain? what does she take for her pain. the disease can hit young people as well as middle age mom may be young but she is stricken with this disease and it will only get worse as the years go by. perhaps her joints hurt some days where she just does not want to move?
try taking her to a physical therapy session even if it means that you will have to schedule the appointment for her and drive her to the place she just may need you help in getting her to the place first when she sees that she is making progress she may have enough confidence in herself that she will try more.

god bless

deleted_user 01/26/2012

Read what you wrote over and over....you feel guilty. Why? You didn't cause her illness. You have helped her all these years, shared your son with her and seem to be a good daughter. So why do you feel guilty?

I have never been a fan of multi-generation households. Grandma always ends up sticking her nose in where it doesn't belong and as in your case making you feel guilty if you say anything. Consider this..you mom has stolen the experience of being mom to your son. She is the one who should feel guilty.

Here's what I think you should do. First get some counseling for yourself. Sort out what you feel with a professional. Then get mom into her own apartment. Maybe something in the same complex so you can be close. When you force her to be on her own she will have to become more mobile. You are enabling her poor health decisions...enough already.

A lot of your problem is you which is good. Because you can change what you do...don't count on changing your mom. Be prepared for some uncomfortable situations and make sure your therapist prepares you and is there to help you through.

CookieLadie 01/26/2012

Yes #shur1, this is true...mother does have deformed hands and her elbow is slightly misfigured also, but she had been driving until she fell last year and says she is determined to get back in her car. I guess my problem is that I realize her tolerance for pain is pretty high, so you can never tell how she's really feeling, but she still finds the time to raid the refrigerator at night or do things she wants to do when she wants to...except for exercise regularly or even ask for more help for the sake of her only daughter. She was a medical guinea pig for years and had been taking all types of medications until she's gotten ones that she prefers, but she'd rather self-medicate with some "miracle drug" or rub on she saw being advertised on television than to see her doctors. She says that she doesn't want to bother them. They are doctors, it's what they are for! She almost died once after she suffered a blood clot in her lung, thinking she could take a pain pill for the pain and sleep it off, the only reason she's still here with me is because I forced her and took her to the emergency room. I'm not a selfish person...I've never been, as I've spent my lifetime it seems taking care of mother and now my child who feels like I never have time for him. With every step of the way, I take care of her and will always be there for her, but I would love it if she helped me to help her by making more of an effort or even seem willing. I have no time to myself...don't even know what I'd do if I had time to myself. I'm guess I'm just worn out. Thank you, I appreciate your advice.

CookieLadie 01/26/2012

Wow...#Tiqq2...that is sooooo very true. Every time I try to discipline my son (which is talking or taking something away), she thinks I'm not being hard enough or if I don't chastise him for something, she thinks that I should. My son is a very good child (even though he IS still a 13 year old). He never complains, he just does what is asked of him. I've always been a people pleaser and the one thing I hate more than anything is for someone to be upset with me or be unhappy, and now with how things have been with her that I know I caused, because "I've spoiled her" as she says, it's still difficult for me to make her decide on what's right for her now. It's also quite stressful for me to see her the way she is now, seemingly not caring about herself anymore. I am currently seeking a therapist now, but I haven't found one yet.

shur1 01/26/2012

its funny that you mentioned self medication rub ons because that is exactly what my father used also it did help him for a short while and i use to put it on him alot especially his joints in his hands as for my father he researched this disease and prepared as much as he could he went as far as getting knuckle implants in both of his hands to prevent the loss of using his hands for eating and picking up things.
they were successful in preventing him from getting it there in his hands. but he went through so many surgeries to accommodate what was in store for him up the road.

you said that mom wants to get back to driving once again?
perhaps she needs a smaller goal for herself to achieve
she may want to drive but knows in her heart it would be too much for her to do. so i would start with a much smaller goal for her to work on one that you know she can do to get her confidence level back up. and lots of encouragement from you to get her to a place of willingness so you can work with her more positively.

falling and injury was and is very traumatic for them and they lose all confidence in themselves it takes much time and alot of positive encouragement to get them to over come the event and start rebuilding confidence once again that is not to say that they will go back to what they were doing before the fall but that they feel good about what they can still do.

try to get someone to come over to the house and sit with mom while you and your son have some alone time perhaps take son out to the movies or some outing for a few hours so you can spend some quality time together.

god bless

deleted_user 01/27/2012

No!

I just found dad's bath ruined!

Why are we responsible for them just because they lose a spouse?
Did you ever hear your parent say to you, "If you lose your spouse, just move on in with me!"?
No! Because adults are supposed to be independant in our society.

It is better for them to be with people their own age anyway. You may not be helping mother by letting her depend on you for all her support.

TroJanThunder 01/27/2012

Seems to me you hav e done everything you can to help and be a good daughter. Definitely have nothing to feel guilty about. You still have a lot of living to do.

CookieLadie 01/31/2012

Thanks for the advice everyone...in my mind I'm thinking that it's best that she has her own place be it alone or assisted living. What bothers me about this situation is that during the first part of her recovery, she was given encouragment such as being able to go out, have a good time with her friends, etc. and her reply was, "oh I've been there, done that..." and I looked at her and said, well I haven't, I'm only 37 and I have only had one vacation in my entire work history. She is making it seem like she wants to be alone and is content, but she's only content because she has me, my son and boyfriend as her only means of communciation and I'm sure that my 13 year old son doesn't always want to talk about her court shows and the news all day, but he's kind enough to listen. What she doesn't seem to realize is that she might act like she's content when she's not, but I can't act...I feel like I'm about to explode and I don't want to hurt my mother, but I'm so uncomfortable...not what I want for my very first place. What's worse is that she fell in the house that she and I both own, but her doctor's won't consent to her going back to it because she fell...since I stayed home for 2 months to care for her I wasn't getting paid at my job because I ran out of leave. So in order to get back to work, my boyfriend and I got an apartment (this is both our very 1st apartment) closer to work and moved her in temporarily and she's totally NOT trying to be temporary at all...and it's bothering me that she's trying to plant roots in our new place and still have mortgage on the empty house to pay.

caregiverinvt 02/05/2012

Maybe if you explained the situation to her doctor he could advise you on some assisted living facilities or refer you to a social worker or agency on aging. It's going to get expensive paying rent & a mortgage. Why don't you, your boyfriend & son move back to the house, let your mother have the apt with her paying the apt expenses while getting her some homecare aides?

deleted_user 02/07/2012

There is one thing you really need to consider. That is your son. He is basically being raised by your mom.
If that is what you want, then go for it.
If you are not happy with how your mother is raising your son, you have to have some tough love and put your mom somewhere so she can go back to being the grand mother instead of the mother.

Sorry to be so blunt. But your son is the only one who truly has no authority and depends totally on you to make the right decisions for him.

sofia77 02/07/2012

My heart goes out to you. I'm 34 and also have my mother living with me, not because she needs any assistance...but because she doesn't like living alone. My life has been hell. I have lots of resentment eating at me because my mother also had her mother living in our house and the atmosphere was horrid (she said she'd never do that but because she's healthy she thinks it's OK because she can "help"). My grandmother looked after me while my mother was out at work, so I was never quite sure who was the person bringing me up. I know I didn't get on with my grandmother (and vice-versa..she seemed to resent me for existing) but nowadays I have lots of rage towards my mother for not protecting me and for putting her mother first. She denies she put her mother first - sweet denial.
Please, please, make sure your son knows he comes first. I got to the conclusion, after wasting what could have been my golden years in my marriage, professional life, etc, trying to be a good daughter. It was all a big waste of time. It doesn't matter how much we do, to some mothers, it'll never be good enough.

joyce3001 02/11/2012

I can sympathize with you honey, my mom is 83 and has been driving me crazy my whole life. I recently came to the conclusion that I'm not getting any younger and I would just like to enjoy a few years without her making me depressed. She is getting even worse with constant insults to me or anyone I care about and blaming me for everything that goes wrong. Some of it is my fault for enabling her all these years but I'm finally tired of it and I'm not going to feel guilty anymore for wanting some peace of mind. I would suggest you do the same, you need your own life and it isn't fair to your son what she is doing to him. He's the most important person to consider.

CookieLadie 03/14/2012

It's been a while since I've been on this site, I haven't been feeling all that great, so I haven't really been on my computer. I just wanted to make sure that I let everyone who responded to me last month that I thank you so much for your replies and advice regarding my mom. She is currently still living with me and right now I'm trying to get the house in order to sell. Hopefully, I will be able to sell the house and have mom into her own place or maybe better yet an assisted living home. I'm completely feeling trapped inside the 4 walls in my room, in my apartment, because everytime I leave the room, it's like she senses me...especially when I'm spending time with my son. He's even now asking me if he and I can do some things alone, and we have to always leave the apartment to do that, but I really can't afford it. It's getting more and more difficult now to even look at my mom in her eyes and I've never felt like that with her. I find myself kringing when I hear her crutches coming into the kitchen or walking past my son's room if I'm in there with him. I've had the opportunity to speak with her briefly about how I want her to be the grandmother to her grandson and I want him to remember her in a good way, not in a bad way, the way I remembered my grandmother. I'm still having difficulty being completely honest with her though because I still don't want to hurt her, but I just want her to understand how I feel...I know she can't read my mind, and I should be truthful and upfront, but I feel guilty for enabling her in the first place. In any case...thank you everyone.

peaceful 05/19/2012

Hi, you have a lot of good advice here. No matter what, maybe a social worker is key because your mom needs help you can not give her. It is like the hip thing. She was not able to motivate herself to continue. Been to Physical T ?? It is hard. And worse when you don't do the exercise at home. That is only ONE part of all of this.
Your son is going to have to be ready for changes. Social workers can have varied points of view on this so shop around a bit. It is not just the approach but how well you can identify with them and work to be a positive team for you Mom , Son, you.

P

deleted_user 05/19/2012

ahhh, guilt, the gift that keeps on giving. My mom is 91. She is very capable of being up and around although no longer able to be alone on a day to day basis due to memory failings. However, she depends, willingly on me to do EVERYTHING. she came to live with me 6 months ago. I used to feel guilty about every little pain or need or bad day she had. Then it turned into pure hatred, but with help from this group, it is now acceptance. I would try not to let your mom jepordize your relationship with your sweetie. She won't be aroung forever but you need your own life. May bet social service involved and see if she'll follow there recommendations. Good luck.

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