Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
I joined this group a while ago but have been absent trying to get my bearings. My widowed mother has officially moved in with us. And although it's the best solution for all of us, considering distance and finances for her, I am now coming to terms with being an adult married woman with children living with my 69 year old mother. Mom is able-bodied but does not drive and we live in a rural community. Our goal was to incorporate her into our home and she does contribute by helping with some chores and making dinners or lunches for school. English is her second-language and she has never worked outside the home.
Our children are school age and one of my biggest frustrations is the fact that she answers for them. I will ask one of the kids a question. "Joe, did you do your homework?" " Susie, what are you looking for?"
Before they can answer me she has spoken FOR them. If I call her out on this and ask her to let them answer, she acts offended like I have just slapped her hand. I have made the comment, "please let me finish parenting before you interrupt." Because sometimes she interjects when not asked for her opinion. She does not like to feel scolded.
We have limited space and I have made many accommodations. I have gotten rid of furniture/dishes so she can have what she is comfortable with. And honestly I don't mind because I am rather a minimalist and things are just things to me. She, on the other hand, LOVES her things. There is avery entitled sense to her. And ever since I was small she seems like she's criticizing everything I do. I can't remember her ever giving a compliment to me. And before I am critisized by allowing her to move in with me, it is kind of a cultural issue. So please be gentle with your judgement of me.
The other day we received a notice from The Electric Company about our usage. It was just a near comparison to other people in our area and we were only slightly higher. My husband said with as many people as we have in the house that it wasn't a bad report.
My mother took this to mean that because we were a bit higher that we were telling her she used too much electricity. Nobody ever insinuated that. Then she told my brother-in-law when he was visiting that WE told her she used too much electricity. Which was untrue. I don't confront her on this because she acts like a child having a tantrum- no matter how gently we do it. So we usually Let It Go. Trying to figure out how to take care of myself and my family while letting things like this go. I'm not sure if it's the best option.
I'm committed to her care, but also committed to making sure I can co exist and be a good spouse and parent.
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
You've written that your mother has been critical since you were a child so I really doubt she's going to be changing too much at this point in her life
Perhaps you could ask that you have a family meeting when the children aren't present to discuss things that are important to you in regards to parenting and what's important to you
I know care giving requires a lot of change and compromise .... .... Another hug and a blessing.....xo
69 isn't that old unless she's unwell .... xo
That is not healthy for any of you. I have fallen into situations like that myself, and know that it can be hard to get out of them.
One aspect of this trap is that people try to give you two choices about them: either you love them and all that they do, or you hate them, despise them, and with they were gone. While it may not be that extreme with your mom at this point, it sounds like she is trying to force you into those two choices. So fight back! Confront her and let her know that she is going to have to make some accommodations as part of living with you and your family.
We have talked a lot about issues like this here, and have learned that it is very important to set limits for our parents. No matter how much we love them and how much they need to be with us!
Setting limits is done, in an ideal world, by working with your mom. But that may not be possible, at least not at first. Some limits are absolute: you and your husband are raising the children, and your mother MUST abide by your rules. This means that the children answer your questions, not your mother. This rule is yours (and your husband's) to make. There will likely be more issues where you need to be the one making the rules, but there are likely to be issues where there is some wiggle room.
And you may need to call your mother's bluff, so don't be afraid to "offend" her. After all, she is offending you!
Gentle hugs and welcome to our group!
My mom is 69 also, able bodied but doesn't drive either. The 1st time she moved in with me, I had to take in my youngest brother too who was 13 at the time. So I had to take the responsibilities of being a care taker and an instant "parent" too.... and my story was a lot like yours at 1st where my mom somehow felt like I usurped her authority. I implemented strict house rules for my teenage brother but my mom would go behind my back and give him what he wanted just so she could feel like she was in charge once again. I had to constantly remind her it wasn't her house, it was mine, so MY rules.
Anyway, my point is... there should not be a power struggle between you and your mom, but she may try that for a while till she realizes where she fits in. I hope things calm down soon for you and things become more comfortable around the house for everyone.
I wish you all the luck in the world. It's been so tough for me and my wife, to the point where I wonder if we need to see a therapist.
it is a common thing for elderly parents to be disappointed that their adult children doesn't seem to reciprocate the same love as they had given to their children. What they don't realize is that it is much more difficult to care for & love an adult who reserves the right to do as they like and at the same time to be loved and even coddled as children. And then they've probably forgotten how difficult it was to care for their parents, if they did at all.
It is true that the only person we can control is ourself, but don't discount that control.
One big method I've learned (this one from my wife) is to have short answers ready for their common complaints. (Or rants, or accusations, or demands, etc) Make them to the point, and practice delivering them with simple compassion, and no anger or sarcasm. Use these answers/replies in the same words ever time.
The reason for consistency is that manipulative people look for any "crack in your armor" to be exploited, and changing wording gives them such an opening.
For example, if your mom says that you never have time for her, your reply can be "Mom, I have many demands on my time from you, my spouse, my children and my work. I do the best I can."
If they respond with something like "Well you are not doing good enough." you might want to be ready for it. Go with something from your past as an example. "Mom, I remember not being able to play soccer because you did not have time to get me to games and practices."
Obviously your replies need to be tuned to your situation.
And do NOT be afraid to set limits. If your parent demands that you run to the store anytime they want something, you can make a schedule and let them know that you will make runs to the store on set days/times unless it is an EMERGENCY. And running out of butter is not an emergency!
Sorry to be so long winded!
Continuing hugs
It's hard having several adults with different points of view under the same roof ....Big hug......xo
The last couple of days have been trying. I've caught myself being rather passive-aggressive. My father-in-law calls and I am chatting with him and when I get off the phone she wants to know what he said and what he wanted. (Not her business) she does this a lot so I try not to have phone conversations around her. She will interject in the middle of them with her own thoughts while I am speaking. I said "do YOU want to call him to chat?"
... she does not get the hint that I find that intrusive. I need to come up with a very direct response. "It was a personal conversation" but I know her and she would be offended so I just get snippy instead.
I am in my bedroom relaxing, and she just walked in without knocking. She said are you napping? And I said no I'm just relaxing what do you need? And she had some laundry of my husband's that she had washed and she put it down on the table. So she's being helpful, or trying to, and being intrusive at the same time.
I have asked her not to just walk into my room before but she does not think it is interrupting if she is doing something helpful. I have never asked her to do my laundry by the way.
Today I left to run errands. I did not ask her to come with I simply said I am going to run my errands and I walked out. I was expecting to get the third degree when I came home but she did not say anything. Mostly because I avoided her and just came to my room.
Today, I made her sign a piece of paper saying that I could get her medical care transferred to this city I told her if she was going to live here and needed a ride to the doctor I'm only taking her to the doctor that's here not the one that's 2 hours away that she used to go to. I'm amazed that after a couple of weeks trying to avoid it she actually signed the paperwork. Yes I'm very much treating her like a child. Because she acts like one.