Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
Mum has two houses, officially. One of which is an apartment about 5 minutes drive from ours. But that apartment she bought for me, so that I could rent it out for profit as I'm unemployed (I didn't know this was the plan when decisions were made). That money was from a property belonging to the my father and that was on my father's family for generations.
Anyway. because I have access to her finances (and even though I didn't think of profiting from it I asked the bank for some money so that her bank account didn't go down so much).
So, I want her to make use of that apartment. She refuses. So, I put it for sale - with her agreement.
I want to move to another country (I have no option as I can't find work here). I told her staying at that apartment means that she has:
- health centre ACROSS THE ROAD;
- private hospital UP THE ROAD;
- public hospital within 5-10 minutes drive (and there are taxis and buses also across the road);
- groceries and supermarkets galore;
- There are people her age in the building (more company);
- it's small and easy to manage
- airport nearby for me to visit
At her home in the village (3 hours away from here by car):
- the nearest hospital is 30 miles away!!!
- she has two cousins she relies on to stop her being bored but they have many health issues (unlike my mum). Both had cancer and wouldn't be surprise if they leave this earth before my mother
I told her this and she agreed that she'll be lost if this happens and , my mother being my mother, she said "how are they going to help me if they get more ill than they already are". God forbid if it was my mother helping them (she already let one of her cousins down and already moaning about another).
I can see my life away from the country as one of worry and stress. She has options. Her head is all there. She admits what she's doing is not in the best of her interests.
I can refuse to sell but she says she is certain she won't come back and I can't be paying someone to manage the property (bills, rentals and general up-keep).
I just know she's going to be in tears like a 5 year old one day and kill me with worry. I wish she'd take some responsibility for her life for once and not throw more burdens on me.
I suppose am just venting. Don't think there is a solution, really.
Anyway. because I have access to her finances (and even though I didn't think of profiting from it I asked the bank for some money so that her bank account didn't go down so much).
So, I want her to make use of that apartment. She refuses. So, I put it for sale - with her agreement.
I want to move to another country (I have no option as I can't find work here). I told her staying at that apartment means that she has:
- health centre ACROSS THE ROAD;
- private hospital UP THE ROAD;
- public hospital within 5-10 minutes drive (and there are taxis and buses also across the road);
- groceries and supermarkets galore;
- There are people her age in the building (more company);
- it's small and easy to manage
- airport nearby for me to visit
At her home in the village (3 hours away from here by car):
- the nearest hospital is 30 miles away!!!
- she has two cousins she relies on to stop her being bored but they have many health issues (unlike my mum). Both had cancer and wouldn't be surprise if they leave this earth before my mother
I told her this and she agreed that she'll be lost if this happens and , my mother being my mother, she said "how are they going to help me if they get more ill than they already are". God forbid if it was my mother helping them (she already let one of her cousins down and already moaning about another).
I can see my life away from the country as one of worry and stress. She has options. Her head is all there. She admits what she's doing is not in the best of her interests.
I can refuse to sell but she says she is certain she won't come back and I can't be paying someone to manage the property (bills, rentals and general up-keep).
I just know she's going to be in tears like a 5 year old one day and kill me with worry. I wish she'd take some responsibility for her life for once and not throw more burdens on me.
I suppose am just venting. Don't think there is a solution, really.
You have a couple choices. One is to work on her to make the logical (non emotional) choice. The other is to let her make that decision and then wait for problems to come up.
Problems WILL come up either way, so it is not like you can eliminate problems with a "good decision".
If she owns her own home now, then there is always an option for her to sell it and move back to that apartment (or one near it) when her health requires a move.
How old is your mom? How much help does she need now?
Gentle hugs, it is never really easy.
ps My MIL moved in with us, and she cried a lot about it. Not that she hates us, she did not want (wait for it) CHANGE in her life.
Your mom could live for many years. It is not good for you to give up your life for a healthy parent. There may come a time when she needs your help and you will have to make decisions at that time. But for now I would be happy that she is healthy and can live on her own.
As to the finances...be very careful about what you do, especially if there at other heirs who might question what you do. Maybe sit down with your lawyer or a bank officer to get things in order.
She lived with us for 10 years and barely visited her own home. She still doesn't like her own home but things got to a point where I couldn't go on and we got to this agreement that she has to give me a break every month or so.
So, it's not as if she is attached to her own home. She's more attached to my house, to be honest.
As for heirs, I'm the only heir and I will not keep the money from the flat (only a small part to pay back the bank what I borrowed). She wanted me to keep the money but I don't want to. She may need for care in the future, even though she's well-off enough without it.
My mother is aware she is making an illogical decision. She knows that I can't give up my life for her any more than I already have. I'm 36, unemployed for a long time... I can't find a job and give up working a few years later to look after her. That is not an option, I'm afraid.
I am however choosing to re-locate somewhere where there is an airport that has flights to where we live now. I am already choosing this for real emergencies (not for meltdowns and tantrums that she may throw).
My mother didn't cry when she moved with us. She made us cry almost daily - true story. We did it for kindness and then realised we'd brought a witch home. (Sorry, it's been very bad).
So, am afraid her decision has to be made now or soon, while she has her full capacities.
The psychologist my husband sees told him we need to move on. She can have another 20 years on her and we need to work while we're young(er) and not when we reach retirement age.
When I brought my mother home I was fully committed to her and staying until the time came for her to leave us. But I now realise I have to move on and deal and heal from the abuse I suffered for the past decade.
The house is what it seems Mom is looking at but I see YOU is what she will be missing the most. She lived with you and was accustomed to your being around.
If she can make her decisions now perhaps making plans for a time she can not is in order. My folks her in 70' when they came up with their final planning.
I am the person who put life on hold to stay with my Mom. Thought it would be a short time after Dad died. She seemed ok to the world but I saw dementia and serious problems day to day. Some one has to be here. My career choices and industry is elsewhere. So, I have a modest job doing something. Brings in a bit of cash, gets me away from the house 5 days a week 8 hours each (which is a lot really).
She can afford help in. So be it. You want me then hire some help.
I now manage most. She does her bills and I watch to see that its ok. It helps her maintain self. She does not catch me looking through her stuff to be certain it is ok.
Maybe the person your husband sees could help you two speak with Mom about her feelings. She what she wants and maybe determine how much "need" she has. Parents hide issues well.
I think you are wanting to get to a place where employment offers opportunity. I was out of the work force at one time. It was tough on me.
Wish you the best
P
Cheers
Yes, I took her to a psychologist already and it didn't go well. You are right about not being about where she'll be living. It's about wanting to be with me. She told the psychologist I am her everything. I should feel flattered but if what she's given me all these years is love, than love is something very yucky.
I don't want wish her harm. I want her to be safe. I just got to the conclusion - finally - that just because someone is related to me by blood, that does not give them the right to be my side every hour of the day and to kill my soul with abuse.
She turns down invitations from people of her age to socialise and then used to make me feel bad for not being out and about with her. She still does, I just know that given that she has the options I won't be her entertainer.
For example: when I was working and we got home at night she'd be tearful saying she was too lonely all day. I said "but we are home at night; so many people your age have no one day and night". Not good enough! When we had a week off at Christmas and wanted to relax at home she'd go to the bedroom and sulk (it's like she didn't want us in the house; or we "should" be doing something out with her; or tidying up something she considered important).
My husband and I allowed her to move in when I was 25! We'd been married for 3 years and now that she comes and goes we really love our space. Not having the drama around, the sulkiness and constant bitterness is great. She still rings me at least twice a day but when I put the phone down, it's over.
We have tried to help her and it never worked. Nothing was ever enough.
But saying that, I want to make sure she is safe. She'll never be happy and I have to accept that. She wasn't happy when I tried my very best, she won't be happy now that I threw the towel in. I have to accept that.
I'm afraid that she has to deal with the consequences of her choices. I know good mothers of her age and older. And they understand the importance of their children marriage, they live despite being widows or even despite illness. Everyone says that she really doesn't appreciate what she has. Not just me.
Gentle hugs as you go about changing how you interact with your mom.