Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
Mom is almost 82, Dad 89 and deaf as a post, even with his hearing aids in. "We're slowing down," she tells me on the phone.
"You've been saying that for 20 years, Ma. HOW slow? Nursing home slow?"
"We're not that slow yet," she says.
This year "slow" means that on at least three separate occasions when Dad has lost his balance he's been too weak to get up off the floor. Mom's physical disabilities preclude her from doing much more than handing him a pillow, giving him an orange, and if waiting doesn't help, then calling 911.
His sister looks in on them from time to time, but Mom has kind of burned that bridge... in fact Mother nearly refuses to accept help from anyone but me. They will not allow county aging services to come in and assist (they feel it comes at the cost of their privacy).
Did I mention that I live 550 miles away, and they are nowhere near a major airport, so it's actually faster to drive out to see them than fly... and my only sibling is (we think) a high-functioning autistic who lives in a supervised apartment and requires a similar amount of advocacy. While we're on the topic, we think Dad is an undiagnosed Asperger's, although at his age I'm sure it just looks like geriatric crankiness.
The message on the cell this morning is in her most tired sounding voice. "We need to talk to you."
Oh lord, WHAT have I done or not done now? I just came back from three days changing light bulbs, burning trash, doing laundry... what are they missing and is it MY fault? or worse... who's in the hospital?
"The day you drove back," she begins, "someone came to the door. They wanted to look at our lightning rod and cable - not everyone in the neighborhood has one."
"I was in the kitchen and couldn't go to the door so Dad (yes, she calls him Dad when she's talking to me) answered. He didn't have his hearing aids in and didn't understand what they were asking for a price..."
The upshot was that between her not being able to talk face to face with this young man and Dad's inability to hear exactly what was being said, they thought they were paying someone $50 to go up on the roof and see if their set up was adequate.
Instead, when the "look-see" was finished, they were charged $50 PER FOOT for a 75-foot length of cable. Mom was so cowed that she told me she didn't dare NOT write the check. "There were two of them and they were young. We wouldn't have been able to defend ourselves."
Immediately after they left she had the presence of mind to call the police, who called the bank manager at home. My parents were to call the bank in the morning to stop the check.
By the time Mom found the number and called in, shortly after the bank opened, the scammers had already come in, cashed the check, and disappeared.
The theft made the papers. Mom is mortified. Fortunately no one ever died of embarrassment. "We're still alive and breathing," she says.
She turns the conversation to the subject that must be increasingly on her mind. "Dad hasn't been feeling well. I don't want him to go to a nursing home. I don't want to go there either." We know from her rehab experience after a fall five years ago that even the best facility in their area practices a neglect of clients that is truly breath-taking. (Administrative offices were all climate-controlled, but residents sweltered in 90 degree summer heat. And why? "Because none of them ever complain." Honest, the answer I received. The fact that the residents were NON-VERBAL and UNABLE to complain being very conveniently disregarded.
I don't know what to make of this. I never thought they would be vulnerable to this kind of heist. I wonder how it would have played out differently had I been there or if I would have been taken in too. (I HOPE not!) I wonder what I can do to keep them safe.
"You've been saying that for 20 years, Ma. HOW slow? Nursing home slow?"
"We're not that slow yet," she says.
This year "slow" means that on at least three separate occasions when Dad has lost his balance he's been too weak to get up off the floor. Mom's physical disabilities preclude her from doing much more than handing him a pillow, giving him an orange, and if waiting doesn't help, then calling 911.
His sister looks in on them from time to time, but Mom has kind of burned that bridge... in fact Mother nearly refuses to accept help from anyone but me. They will not allow county aging services to come in and assist (they feel it comes at the cost of their privacy).
Did I mention that I live 550 miles away, and they are nowhere near a major airport, so it's actually faster to drive out to see them than fly... and my only sibling is (we think) a high-functioning autistic who lives in a supervised apartment and requires a similar amount of advocacy. While we're on the topic, we think Dad is an undiagnosed Asperger's, although at his age I'm sure it just looks like geriatric crankiness.
The message on the cell this morning is in her most tired sounding voice. "We need to talk to you."
Oh lord, WHAT have I done or not done now? I just came back from three days changing light bulbs, burning trash, doing laundry... what are they missing and is it MY fault? or worse... who's in the hospital?
"The day you drove back," she begins, "someone came to the door. They wanted to look at our lightning rod and cable - not everyone in the neighborhood has one."
"I was in the kitchen and couldn't go to the door so Dad (yes, she calls him Dad when she's talking to me) answered. He didn't have his hearing aids in and didn't understand what they were asking for a price..."
The upshot was that between her not being able to talk face to face with this young man and Dad's inability to hear exactly what was being said, they thought they were paying someone $50 to go up on the roof and see if their set up was adequate.
Instead, when the "look-see" was finished, they were charged $50 PER FOOT for a 75-foot length of cable. Mom was so cowed that she told me she didn't dare NOT write the check. "There were two of them and they were young. We wouldn't have been able to defend ourselves."
Immediately after they left she had the presence of mind to call the police, who called the bank manager at home. My parents were to call the bank in the morning to stop the check.
By the time Mom found the number and called in, shortly after the bank opened, the scammers had already come in, cashed the check, and disappeared.
The theft made the papers. Mom is mortified. Fortunately no one ever died of embarrassment. "We're still alive and breathing," she says.
She turns the conversation to the subject that must be increasingly on her mind. "Dad hasn't been feeling well. I don't want him to go to a nursing home. I don't want to go there either." We know from her rehab experience after a fall five years ago that even the best facility in their area practices a neglect of clients that is truly breath-taking. (Administrative offices were all climate-controlled, but residents sweltered in 90 degree summer heat. And why? "Because none of them ever complain." Honest, the answer I received. The fact that the residents were NON-VERBAL and UNABLE to complain being very conveniently disregarded.
I don't know what to make of this. I never thought they would be vulnerable to this kind of heist. I wonder how it would have played out differently had I been there or if I would have been taken in too. (I HOPE not!) I wonder what I can do to keep them safe.
I did that with my mom when she started coming down with Alzheimer's symptoms. She was willing, though, because she'd started bouncing checks and I asked the bank customer service person to talk to her about it.
I think it's set up as an "and" rather than "or" -- the scammers would not have been able to cash the check unless your signature was on it, as well.
If you do that, perhaps you could set up their bill pay online so you could pay bills for them remotely.
Some ideas, anyway. I'm so sorry you're going through this...
I think I already do have power of attorney, but I seriously doubt that at present they would consent to having my name on their bank account, nor would they go along with online banking. The reason they won't accept help from the local agency on aging is because they don't want to make any financial disclosures (even though so doing would demonstrate their eligibility for services). Mom is even reluctant to share that information with me. They have an old iMac (blueberry generation) which they don't use because they fear anything personal on it could be hacked into. Despite the fact that they're on dial-up and never use the internet.
Yours is a good suggestion to keep in mind for the future, though - never occurred to me that that might be an option. Thanks for the ideas (and the empathy!)...
-Brian
Perhaps the bank manager might be able to advise them -- that way it wouldn't be coming from you?
I also have power of attorney, but have not exercised it yet, even though everyone of my family & even my mom's friends think I should.
Anyway, because of my own tax issues I am NOT on my mom's accounts as an owner, but am as a 'signor of convenience' meaning I can sign checks but not make any changes to the accounts. Maybe that is something to consider. I wonder if that is something that can be set up with a 2 signature account??? hum?
Isn't this a mess, too bad there isn't a class or seminar that coudl tell us all the things we need to know to help our parents as the time comes!
Good luck & God bless!!!
I agree with Sara that now may be the right time to approach having your name on their account. It really is a good idea since there is no one else to help them financially in paying bills, etc. and having the bank talk to them would also be helpful (I would think). But then again, they may NEVER think it would be a good idea! Your parents do not sound like they are going to be very easy for you to deal with when it comes to any of this stuff that needs to be done.
I am sorry for saying that as you already have your hands full but I have already gone through this three times with parents and in laws and know how they can be even though you are doing what you can to save them from theives, etc. and protect them. They do not see that at all. Its almost like they think you are the crooked one at times!!
Would they consider moving into an apartment that would offer some security? I know where we live there are several complexes that are for seniors and rent is charged on a sliding scale so it does not take all their money to just pay rent. And they do not allow people in to solicite, etc. Another big plus is that if someone falls, there will be someone around to help get someone in to help them. I know when my Mother lived in one of the apts, it realy offered her the independence she wanted in not living with us and the security of others close enough by to help if needed.
These are just some thoughts. I wish this was not such a difficult time in life but I would be telling you a bold lie if I said it was easy. And with you living away from them, it is and will continue to get more difficult to deal with.
Please do not disect my grammar as I tend to type as my mind wanders on all the details and is not for any english teacher to critque!
When its all said and done, all I can really do is tell you that my heart goes out to you and everyone of us going through this phase of life now. It is not easy and there are no simple answers. If there was I would write a book and retire:)
Moving - sigh. We seem to have passed a certain window of opportunity with that, and I'm not sure they had any real options to begin with.
Mother (and Father goes along with her on most things) does not want to reveal ANY financial information to anyone, even me. "It's no one's business," they say. Which means they would rather suffer without services for which they are eligible than disclose any of their finances.
But let's say we somehow could miraculously overcome that obstacle. I am almost the only person she will allow in the house. She holds herself to a cleanliness standard that she maintained when she was a teenager, perhaps that her mother taught her to have, but because of her physical disabilities and various illnesses she has had has NEVER been able to maintain in my lifetime. Now that it's just the two of them they barely have pathways. She's so embarrassed by it she can't ask someone for help until she can clean it up CLEAN ENOUGH for someone to come in and help her clean.
Sort of a catch-22 corner she's painted herself into (how's THAT for a mixed metaphor?).
So cleaning is one barrier to a move (so MUCH cleaning would have to be done to put there house on the market); and now their energy level is so low I don't know if they have it in them to relocate.
I've spoken with their physician on occasion - his comment is that even if we could put them in the safest environment tomorrow we still can't repeal the laws of gravity. A fall could be deadly for either one of them. He is reluctant to suggest or persuade them to move, as he feels they are still competent enough to make their own choices.
Assisted living? Wouldn't I just LOVE to see them get that kind of help, but there again, it's the financial disclosures they refuse to do, (even if they did sell their home it is not likely to give them enough assets to afford assisted living situations), the help they refuse to accept (except from me and all I can do is bring my little spoon to shovel out their Mt. Everest), and the low energy level that will make any relocation a traumatic drain.
I don't really know what will work, I'm afraid to start something with them I can't follow through on because of the distance, and I don't think I have the force of personality to push them into doing something they don't want to do.
I absolutely think you are right when you say that it is not ever going to get easier... but I have the feeling that it's going to take something dreadful to make them leave where they are. And given her nursing home experience a few years ago, I really don't blame them.
Gamgam, thank you for taking the time to reply, thanks for the empathy, and thanks for acknowledging the complexity of their situation. There truly are no simple answers.
Maybe you should consult an elder law attorney to find out what your options are -- someone, somewhere, should be able to help you!!!
Your hands are pretty much tied with all this or at least that is the way it sounds to me. It is going to take a crisis to make a change in living arrangements for them and it will be more difficult then as there will be even more things to tend to at one time.
As far as not being able to keep her house as she would like, being a female, I understand where she is coming from and its a girl thing. But, at some point, that is not going to matter.
My heart goes out to you and anyone going through this phase of life. Its tough and that is about the only way to put it. Even if you had parents that were willing to let you do what was needed, its still a horrible thing to have to decide what goes with them and what does not.
I have had to do this both ways and it is heartbreaking for everyone involved.
Sorry for the bleak note but am trying to be honest with you.
A co-worker of mine said to me, regarding aging parents, "Brian, terrible things are going to happen."
I don't think I really understood it then, she wasn't being negative or (pretending to be) psychic or flippant. She was expressing an objective reality, one that makes more sense to me now, given the choices my parents have made/are making and the implications those choices seem to have.
Sara: I hear you. I don't think I'm ready to do anything that severe just yet, but the idea of talking to an elder law attorney seems like a good proactive thing. Where do you find one of those?
You can also hire a local attorney for an hour's worth of advice, as well. They'll tell you what can and cannot be done - take plentious notes! Attorneys can cost upwards of $150/hour, depending where you live. But that $150 could be well spent if you get good advice.