Any chance she should have Alzheimer's? Has she had her brain checked? If it's only been recently, has a tumor been ruled out? Or is this good old fashioned manipulation?

I second DeliAnnem, you do have to rule out neurological issues when someone's behavior changes abruptly.

However, I'm finding that they call old age a "second childhood" for a reason, because yes, elderly people do start acting childish, entitled and manipulative. I'm working my own way through how to handle it with my mother so I'm not an expert yet, but I'm guessing that we have to be the parents to their child. Set reasonable limits and enforce them calmly and fairly without descending to their level. Unfortunately they won't grow out of it like our children do. So lots of patience, a good sense of humor, good friends to vent and blow off steam with, and if all else fails, a glass of wine when you get home from a day with mom!

Maybe posting your visiting schedule somewhere so she knows when you plan to come and leave so she knows pulling those tricks won't work?

There are no neurological issues, this has been on going, she's been manipulative her whole life, it's just more of the same. As I've already mentioned, I have my schedule and I stick to it, I'm never mean to her about anything, I've just learned to change the subject. I'm only stating that sometimes it gets to me regardless of doing all the right things.

Sounds like you are burnt out and these ploys to get her way are even more pathetic on an older person. Like a 60 year old going to a club on Ladies' Night.

Seems like you've already doing what you think you need to do and just came here to vent? Vent away... That's what we're here for!

Yes that was all, just wondering if anyone else had comparable stories, a little venting, but I find putting it all out in a message makes it bearable when I'm feeling a little rough. That, and I like to hear similar situations with the members here if they care to share.

My parents did a lot of childish things when we were trying to convince them they could no longer live alone, but tit is strange to me that I can't remember too many of them now.

I do remember Dad when he was still able to drive short distances was supposed to be going to get the poa paper and come back and tell me the lawyer from the and he would get into the car drive around in a bit and tell me the lawyer was not in his office when I knew he was.

Most of it was in the form of temper tantrums.

Mom tried to bribe me with two thousand dollars once if I would forget about wanting to see the wills and financial information.

We would sneak into the desk after everybody went to bed. Dad was paying the bills twice and really effing up the finances.

We eventually got the POA's straightened out by telling them they would have to give it to SOMBODY.

I suggested my Aunt Laura, and that did it. Dad went off on me and said of course he would give it to me.

Then came the fun of trying to clear the hoard.

One evening I was BEGGING my mother to start helping me clear out her closets.

Of course she wanted to keep EVERYTHING!

One evening I practically dragged her kicking and screaming to her closet telling her we must get started and to just give me 15 minutes to get started.

Of course I was hoping we would get a head of steam going and work a bit longer.

After about 30 minutes she started pouting like a little kid saying you said 15 minutes! UGH!!!!!

If your mom is capable,,get her a pet to take care of & companionship when noone is there. Animals make good companions & gives a sense of comfort for the elderly. My grandmother lived to be 94, lived with us but was the pet caregiver, esp when we went away on vacations. She even feed the birds & squirils.It keeps them busy & it's like taking care of a child when we're grown & don't depend on her care as much as we usedto. It takes their minds off themselves & makes them feel useful. Just a thought
There are also organizations that provide resprit care for a few hours during the day or nite. Depending on her schedule. Maybe you can get someone to come in for few hrs during the week to stay with her before going to bed. My experance with this was very good. It gave me peace of mind to know mom was in good hands when I wasn't around.

Great idea John! My mom LOVES my cats and likes to help feed them!

Setting limits does work. But there are times when we need to have (and enforce) consequences. It sounds like your 8 hour visit is standard, perhaps tell her that if she pulls stunts like that then your next visit will only be 7 hours. (And then stick to it!)

Yes, I went through this with my grandmother and now my mother. My grandmother acted the same as your mother; it didn't matter how much of your time you spent there, she always wanted and demanded more! My mother hinted quite a bit to move in with us and at the time we all thought it would be a great idea since we were always together anyway after my father passed away. Last winter she decided any time that she felt she wasn't getting her own way was to lie on her bed with no covers, no socks on her feet for hours on end barely able to talk, complaining of these odd symptoms that only came on during one of her "snits"... SO, one day I got fed up and called her dr's office on her and made an appointment to go in and have her checked. "Oh my, was she upset over that" That's not the outcome she was looking for. She hasn't done it since because I flat out told her that whenever I see her in her bed like this when there's no good reason for it, she'll go to the doctor's office.

My grandmother would very, very often and especially during every holiday would make herself sick by not eating or drinking for a few days prior to the holiday. Thus, on Christmas Day or Thanksgiving Day my mother and I got to spend the holiday with her at the hospital. The last time my GM did that, I told her when we got to the hospital that if/when they tell us she's to be admitted, (which was every time we went there) we would leave her to be admitted by herself because I also had young children at home that deserved to have their mother with them on Christmas Day. I also told her that if she kept up that behavior it was only going to show my mother and I that she was no longer able to live on her own and would need to go into a nursing home!

She didn't do it again after that day.. Funny how these things work... And, you are right it's resorting to immature and selfish acts.

Oh pd forgive me but I thought what your mom did pulling the sick act was pretty funny! I think my Mom has done that too now that you remind me. Kim I just reread your original post very slowly and I think you are already doing much more than enough for her.

Now I am about to say something that you might think is COMPLETELY insane so brace yourself!

Could it possibly be easier in the long run to just go ahead and let her move in with you?

Three years before it actually happened DH and I NEVER entertained the thought!

But with much planning and setting up the rules we have made it work quite well. And it really is easier having her here even though it has made it harder in other ways.... SIGH!!!!

But unless she is one of the "lucky ones" like my Grandma who dropped dead in front of the stove one day you will eventually have to figure something out.

So I am just suggesting you start thinking about what everybody wants the future to look like for your family.

Aint no EASY way to do it, but putting it off for too long will just make things worse.

And feel free to ask me as many questions as you like about how we made it work in our little family.

I know it sounds funny to be so ridiculous that a person could actually feign illness especially when they can't act to save their lives. She was no Shirley Temple! And pulling that kind of nonsense when my MIL was going through the dying process was no picnic. So selfish!

The bright side of having them move in with you is that you have control on daily issues and their general care. The other side of that is that your independence is severely impacted. For me it was. There's no more eating what you want, when you want. No impromptu nights out for dinner or shopping trips. Serving meals is of importance at certain times so you're pretty much tied to schedules.

OH, and let's not forget if you make plans without her, we get the "Jack Lemon Story". (for those that don't know, APPARENTLY, Jack Lemon and his wife had his MIL living with them both and they did everything TOGETHER). Jack Lemon and his wife always included his MIL... Blah, blah, blah,,,,, SO, Pam and Roy get to do nothing without bringing Terry with us.......

Oh I feel a headache coming on just from talking about this...

I also was amused by your story to pd2012 I was picturing her doing what you wrote about, although, I'm sure it wasn't funny to you at the time. My mother is also not a good actor what so ever, you can't take one ocycocet, and 2 oxycontin's in a day and still have leg pain. Every doctor that see's her tells her they're not sure why she has pain when she's taking enough meds. to control that, and I know that she has Parkinson's but I also know a show when I see it. I know that she won't soon call an ambulance anymore because of the 8 hour wait she had the last time, when she suddenly could breathe enough to holler that she had to go to the bathroom and why weren't people paying attention to her.

Mom has a lot of help and is capable of being independent, she has PSW visits every day, she has me coming for appointments and visits, she has my sister on occasion, she has my husband and she has her neighbour that drops by. The problem is she won't leave the house for any reason other then doctor or hair appointments, not even to sit on her porch or try to use her walker for exercise. She wants me to drive 40 minutes to see her every second or third day and spend my entire day there and she works hard sometimes to try and get that. She won't call anyone on the phone, she won't make appointments for herself, she doesn't want to know anything about anything, she just plain doesn't want to be responsible for any decisions, not even for her own health. Any decision that has to be made she leaves up to me, and that puts a lot of pressure on me at times. If I ask her what she wants to eat, she'll ask me what do I think she should eat, same thing with having a tea, if I'm having one she'll have one, if I don't have one she won't have one. If I'm sick, then she's sick, if I have pain, so does she but far worse then mine...lol. I have to laugh because at times it boarders on the ridiculous.

Mom's husband just died last August, and I know it's been a really rough adjustment for her, but since then my life has changed drastically to and I do the best I can. It was so much last summer that I actually got sick a few times in the past months, from the time her husband grew weaker with cancer until now it's been run, run, run. First we took care of both of them for awhile, then came all the funeral arrangements, some of you know what that's like I'm sure, all the financial matters, and neither one of them helped or made arrangements of any kind before hand, it was really hard for us.

My mother leaned on her husband so hard when he was sick and was so self centered and whiney it was almost to much to take some days. For most of her life it's been all about her and her needs and today it's just a continuation of that, only, I'm not going to cater to her as much as he did, and that's what's bugging her, she's trying hard to get more and more out of me. I know that she has trouble walking, but she has refused physio from day one and refuses to do her leg exercises that were set up for her to do with the PSW's. She lays in bed all day long and only gets up to eat or go to the bathroom, unless I'm there of course, but the minute I leave she goes back to bed and makes sure in no uncertain terms that I see her do that and that it's because I'm leaving. So in short, I've tried everything to get her going and I'm done with that, so if she insists on being that way and trying to be manipulative, my visits might become shorter.

Trogan...our house is very tiny and I have a son who's challanged living with us, he's 26 and does well, but there is no room for mom, we barely have room for us. I would never be able to live with my mother, my anxiety would be through the roof, and she's way to clingy and needy for that. She makes it clear that where ever I am she's going to be right behind me, and I'd never get to sit down with all her demands, it's almost that way now when I visit. "Can you get me this, can you get me that, can you do this for me" it never ends, to tiring to have to deal with every day.

As for the pet, that would be an excellent idea for someone willing to care for a pet, mom is not one such person. She made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want an animal in her house and won't look after one. Believe me, I've tried just about everything to make things better or different and it's fruitless.

I enjoyed reading the messages all of you left, thanks for the responses, this forum really does make things bearable.

During my journey to make sense of taking care of parents I have often heard that the widow wants to make the child her "husband"

Hmmm. Just might be!


I guess all you can do at this point is continue to set limits, enforce them, and try not to fall for her Sarah Bernheart moments!

Good luck and stay strong!