Here is the condensed version of my experience.

Mom had dementia for the last couple years of her life. Perhaps longer.

Dad covered for her for a long time, perhaps out of denial or fear of admitting it.

My wife, a nurse, saw it long before I did.

When mom went into the hospital for the last time I was confronted with it due to visiting her every day.

I was faced with a choice: I could try to re-orient her to reality when she was disoriented or I could go with the flow. I walked a path between the two, but more often I went with it and did not reorient her to reality.

My reasons were rather simple: there were times when she could not grasp what the reality was. Many of her last conversations involved standard comments that she would have made years ago when she had her wits about her. Sometimes her comments were relevant (by luck?) other times they were not relevant.

Some times when I tried to redirect her to reality I could see that she was totally confused. I felt that it was disrespectful to her to try to force her to recognize things that she clearly could not. At times that felt like trying to get an average 5 year old engaged in a dialog about the symbolism of a complicated novel.

I feel for you, this is the hard part of life. When we have children we get to guide them on a path where they learn more and more with the passing of time. They are excited to learn; although they sometimes get frustrated at harder things, they know that "next year I will be smarter and will understand it". With dementia the process is the reverse; as time passes they will understand less and less.

How you balance reorienting and going with their confusion is your call.

But I would advise you to make sure that mom trusts your judgment because you will be making many decisions for her. Involve her as best you can, and be patient with her as she struggles to manage what time she has left.


There is one last thing I wish to add, something that we all have learned here. Sometimes we forget and need a reminder.

Don't forget to take care of yourself and your other relationships. Your profile is rather limited, but you called the house you live in "our home" so I guess you have a spouse and/or children who live with you. Don't forget them. They will be your day to day support, your real life safety net. But they need you too. Don't overburden them, but keep them involved.

Yes, a bunch more relationships that will need new balances!

We are a good group here, but what works wonders for one of us may fail terribly for you, and what fails for one of us may be just the thing that you need to do for you and your mom.

Gentle hugs!

I would add try to maintain your sense of humor too! When my mom goofs up or sees something that is not there we try to laugh about it and it lightens the mood for both of us.

As far as correcting her it depends on the situation. I would say just trust your gut on that decision.

You do not mention if drugs were offered. I am a nurse too. I have NEVER seen the drugs do any good and the side effects are HORRIBLE!

Welcome Chrissy! I'm sad that you had to come out here due to your experience. I've been through this a few times, once with my father and then my MIL. I'm afraid that my mother shows some symptoms of dementia now and that scares the bejesus of me.

The only thing you can do is take it day by day. Everyone out here has had a lot of experience so whatever symptoms arise, just post and someone will get back to you with a slew of information.

It's a terrible disease and what it does to the patient and the family is not a fun road to travel.Having veiwed the scans and seeing the damage in person is pretty eye opening and downright depressing, I know, I've been there.

There's always hope, they seem to level off for awhile and take a slight decline. There's good days and bad days. Since every person is different the course of what's next is never cast in cement. You take each day as it comes and do the best you can.

Hi PepperMan and thanks so much for you response. It was very meaningful to me as you generously shared so much personal experience. My mother still knows who she is and who all in my home are thankgoodness:). I suppose she is in the earlier stages. She did not have strokes so I am not really sure what the cause was as the nurologist said it was aging. Yes, I have a wonderful husband and one of three children still at home but she is a senior this year & sometime this weekend will make a decision as to where to begin college. This has been a very busy time in my life and the timing for all the extra work and attention has not been good for me. I hate to feel so self centered about this as I am keenly aware that what is happening to my mother is so much worse. I am a full-time graduate student trying to get back to work through reinventing myself after the end of my life long career in the economic decline. So, we have lots of big financial issues as well and no other family suport. Mom does not have enough resources I recentlly learned to be placed somewhere when she needs more care than I feel able to give her. I feel stuck and scared and angry and guilty for all these feelings. Sorry, I am really unloading as I just spent 12 hours studying and writing papers.

Anyway, thanks for all your kindness and suggestions:).

Hugs back.

When my mom started to get really confused I had a deadbolt put on the doors so I could lock them from the inside and I had the locks taken off of the bathroom doors... I found the doors that were locked from the inside really helpful as she quite often wanted to go home (she was thinking of her childhood home)
I gave the neighbours a key in case of fire
There are meds that can help if her temperament is affected