Sabrina,

I am so sorry that you are up against this phase of life. It is not easy at all and will get worse. I am not trying to scare you, just being realistic.

Does your Mother live by herself? Is she very far from you? Does she have people that can "visit" with her and let you know how she is doing without it looking like you are drilling her on her wellbeing?

She must be aware she is not doing as well as she was or I don't think she would be so sensitive about it when you ask.

Stay in touch here and let us know how things are going. We are here for you and don't forget that. As I said, this is a very difficult time and it is well worth having a support system for yourself.

Thanks for your helpful comment, gamgam. My mother does live alone, but we live within the same community. Hopefully, she will soon be moving into an apartment building for seniors, with 24 hour security personnel. This is also very close by. What is unfortunate is that my siblings are not actively involved in caring for my mom at all. But I hold onto my faith that God will provide for all of our needs. Thank you again for your kindness.

OH do I understand that. My mom is 82 and the dr.s have told me alzheimer's is well on it's way. She hates when I ask her if she has eaten or taken her pills and she always lie and say's she has. But when I check I know she has not. I to do not have any family that wishes to be involved for any length of time. and even if they do come visit they don't want me to leave because they don't have a clue what to do.
So I guess we are in this at the same time. I wish I could tell u what works. I live with my mom so I can keep a closer eye on her, and we I have talked to the dr. about hospice and we now have them to check on her and someone to give her a shower twice a week. Unfortunetly I don't know how long her insurance will pay for this. I see it happening and like u I don't know what to do. I keep reding up on alzheimers and demntia to see what will happen next but have not found a lot of what happens after she had been diagnosed. One day at a time is all I can say. if u need some one who understands or want to compaire notes let me know. My prayers and hugs are with you. Linda

Thank you Linjay, for your thoughtful words. I'm sorry that you're also facing a similar situation with your mom. My mother becomes annoyed whenever I offer advice, and if I warn her about strangers...we end up having a shouting match. She's so vulnerable to people taking advantage oo her.....it's very frustrating.

Thanks for your concern, and best regards for your mom.

As much as I hate to say it, there is always one child in the family (most of the time) that assumes the responsibility and its a crying shame.

In my family, I was and am that child. My oldest sister that I lost 2 years ago did not live local but would come and stay for a month at least once a year and she would help a little with some money as Mom's funds were very limited. I miss both of them terribly and so appreciated that my sister did help in ways that she could since she lived in another state.

Before my other sister got sick, she would not offer anything. And what I really needed at times was just some of her time! She never had it not matter what was going on in our lives and she was only a couple of hours away with plenty of paid time off work available, etc.

So, your stories are so familiar to everyone and it should not be that way. Just remember, you are doing the right thing. ANd do not hesitate to see what agency help, etc you can get to help you out such as the bath nurse, etc.

THose that do not help you will not gain the blessing that you will and are getting from doing what is right. I know there are times when you are so tired and feel resentment that you are not getting help. There is no way around those feelings. We are human:) I have no regrets in how I have cared for family members and I am still caring for a Father that left my Mother when I was 18 mths old and I never heard from him again until I was almost 40 years old and his wife had died. So, its easy to feel resentful but in my heart, I know I am doing what I should for me. I am not in any way saying that everyone should do what I am doing in a similiar situation as mine. No way! That is strictly an individual thing and I am doing what I feel I must do.

YOu folks have (I assume) good relationships with your Mothers and as I said, you will be blessed for being the "designated" child that ends up doing the caretaking.

Sorry, I did not intend to be so long there. Just wanted you to know you are not alone and its very difficult to see them become so weak and unable when you realize what they use to do.

Be sure to have plenty of conversations that include the days that you would not know about like their childhood, etc. Its amazing what these little people remember when they get this old and its information to be cherished.

My Aunt had a wonderful sitter during her final days. Some times she would be confused and sometimes she would talk very clearly about things from way way back and the sitter wrote down much of what my Aunt said and gave it to her daughters. I wish I had thought to do that with my Mother. I could kick myself for not thinking of these kind of things at the time they are needed! It was a precious gift for them as they could not stay around the clock with my Aunt.

Please know that there are many people here that know exactly what you are doing through and are here for yall. This is a time when you need others and often its not the siblings since its easy to become angry at them for not helping. SO, come talk to us. We know, trust me, we know.

This is indeed a very challenging time in our lives, something we may not have anticipated, and certainly wouldn't plan for. But the love we have shared with our parents over the years seems to grow stronger as they become needier, even as their vitality and personality ebbs.

It's important to take care of yourself as well, and make sure you're eating well and getting enough sleep. When my mother was in a geriatric psychiatric facility for 5 months, I visited her every day, and kept my sanity by continuing to exercise 3 times a week. I had to make time for it, but it was such a release.

Having this forum is also a blessing. I didn't find it until my mother was already in care, but it would have been so helpful when things were gradually deteriorating, and I was just hanging on with a low level panic at the back of my mind.

The plan for your mother to move to an assisted senior's apartment is well-timed, and could provide some relief from worry for you. It's so hard to take on all the responsibility for her without support from siblings.

I have the opposite problem; my sister and I are both very involved with our mother, but we have different ideas about what is best for her, and that has put a lot of strain on our relationship. I'm trying to help my mother settle in and make her experience positive by connecting with the staff and other residents, and brightening up her room. My sister hates the place and keeps going on about how unhappy our mother is, and she picks up on that. So it is a situation rife with problems no matter how it plays out. At least there is a social worker we can access, which is great.

Sorry, somehow my message got cut off and sent before I finished writing (I need an editor). I'd wanted to offer a few suggestions: Try to plan some positive activites you both enjoy, even if it's just a walk in the park, or a favourite meal together. Be enthusiastic, engage her. Give her lots of hugs and eye contact if she's comfortable with that. Let her know you love her. Often. Play music you know she loves. Bring small gifts: a bouquet, a cupcake.

I wish you all the best. You have a kind heart, and deserve a lot of credit for all you do. Take good care.

Ani99,

That is a terrible situation for you and I am so sorry that you and your sister are not able to work together for your Mothers sake.

Suppose that is the good thing if there is only one child making decisions, etc. in caring for parents. This is certainly not the time that sisters need to be pitted against each other. YOu really need each other so much right now.

Sabrina, I am glad there is an apt building that is suitable near you. This will help you feel better knowing that she is in a safe place but without taking away all her independence. She will actually enjoy being around other people when she want to be. My Mother had an apt like that for about a year before her major stroke and left her unable to use her left side. She really enjoyed living in the apt and being able to get out and visit while getting her mail, etc. They all had their group of friends and it was a nice set up.

Maybe she will come out a little when she is not alone so much. It can make a difference in people with dementia.

Is she taking anything like Aricept and or Namenda? They have had fairly good results with these meds for dementia and Alzheimer.

If she is not, you might want to ask her Dr about them and see if he thinks she may respond to it.

My best to you and all of you that are dealing with these issues. And please know, God will bless you for what you are doing.