It sounds like she forced you into an agreement many years ago, that she would not be moved to a home. (The verb forced may not be right, some other ones may be 'guilted' or 'coerced'.)

Please look at the past you have shared with us:

Your mother has been overly rude and inconsiderate to you.

She has been unreasonable.

She has not cooperated with you to make helping her easier.


I am sure that there are a lot more of these things, this is off the top of my head.

My point is that you never really willingly entered into that agreement with her. She could have done MANY MANY things to have made it easier for her to die at home. But she refused.

You are looking after your sanity; this is something that she seems to place very little value on.

One of my friends has taught me a Jewish saying:

People make plans, God laughs.

This is not to make light of what you are going through, to the contrary. What it means is that, to their faith, only God can make a plan. The rest of us have ideas about what we want, but there are circumstances that can/will arise that make our plans impossible to complete.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. You have done more than most people would if they were in your situation. SHE let herself down.

Same reason I feel like slug-slime for even looking into adult services to help my mom *not* go into a home if we can help it.... We want to do right by them, and sometimes what's "right" and what's "best" aren't the same if that makes sense---we can't always honor their wishes and simultaneously be looking out for their best interests. I'm hitting this with my mom (and thank God I have a therapist anyway, let me tell you). She is so angry with me right now about our wanting to contact adult services and put things in place so we don't ever end up scrambling---which happened with my grandma---

It's hard.

And to leave the family home? That's tough.

Gentle purrs of soft support, Diane.

my uncle made us all promise that we would get his wife a dog. He died, she got the dog...and we found out he had been covering for her mental illness and dementia for years....she abused the dog, and we took it away. There was no way we could follow his wishes...they were ridiculous.
sometimes we don't get what we want, no matter if we are the parent or the child. Period.

I cannot help but ask myself who this is best for...her...or me.

Well, first of all, the way you're feeling is totally understandable. But it truly sounds like you have your mom's best interest in mind, and, if she didn't put up a fight, she must understand this. Unfortunately, there's only so much we as children can do as our parents get older, and sometimes finding professional help is inevitable. And, don't give up hope for you mom and how she feels about this facility. Now that she's there she may change her mind about not liking it. I think it can make a big difference just having people around her who know what she's going through. One last thought, if you're a reader, there's a book I've come across called The Overwhelmed Woman's Guide to...Caring for Aging Parents by Julie-Allyson Leron that might offer you some encouragement. Perhaps you could find it online or at the library? Just FYI. Well, in the meantime, hang in there and know that someone out there is praying for you!

#girlluvs2garden#

I feel for you. I'm going thru similar emotions. We try so hard to "do the right thing".

You did the right thing! Don't beat yourself up.

Hope you have peace. Hugs and Smiles!

Diane having followed your post, I would absolutely say it was right for both you and your mom. This is a good thing.

I agree it is best for both. My Mother and I had open dialogue about what was to happen for several years before we had no choice but to move her somewhere with 24 hr. care. We went back and forth and still do.

Days like yesterday I know it was right.......I went to see her and found her crying. They had changed up some meds and did not do her digestive system and she had an accide t and needed help with cleaning herself up.

She would've hated it if I had been the one to clean her up. But I was there to cheer her up and make her smile. Our relationship has never been perfect, but now I am removed from caregiving and can give her some joy and comfort as her life only goes downhill. I am rested and my visitsmare positive now.

laurab

I had the most eerily normal conversation with my mother this morning at the home. It is like she is another person entirely. Yes, she cried when we left. (So did I...once in the car.) But there was no unpleasantness from her...no yelling....no complaining. Just an honest to goodness nice visit!!!!!!!

GREAT! Now everybody can relax a bit.

Diane,

I am soo, soo sorry what you are going through. I can tell it is very painful for you. When our parent's have to be placed we are always going to feel guilt. But sometimes we have no choice.

My Mil is still mad that she can't go back to her apartment and live alone. Really?? She is 94 and in a wheelchair. Who will do the cooking or take her to the bathroom and give her a shower?

She is in a very nice assisted living with a very nice room and not having to share the room. She is very lucky to have her things around. I do feel very bad that she is unhappy but we did what was best for her. No one could be with her 24/7 and she just doesn't get that. Very typical.

Mr. Pepper, that saying is so true. People make plans, God laughs.

I went through that honey. I had promised my mom that I would never put her in a home and one day we got in a fight and I threatened just that. Of course I took it back because she was panicking and calling Hospice to tell them that I threatened her with that. She had me and Hospice until the end but have to tell you, that being a caregiver for 95 percent of the time will take a toll on you,both emotionally and physically. You did the right thing. Please don't feel guilty or let it get you down. Yes we take care of our loved ones but first and foremost, we have to take care of ourselves. Hugs GB

Diane,

That is AWESOME NEWS! I am doing the happy dance for you right now. And the happy part for you is that you do NOT have to witness it in real life!

Thanks for the update, Diane. Glad to hear you felt like things went pretty smoothly with your mom recently. I'll pray that will continue! :)

#girlluvs2garden#

Diane I am soo happy for both of you. This was the right choice, now you can enjoy each other.