We can't give you permission, but we can certainly understand and approve.

If it helps I understand and approve of your actions!

It is hard, taking care of our parents. Some of us get really hard situations, others get rather easy ones. But they are all filled with stress and baggage from out history.

Gentle hugs.

Thank you ThePepperMan. It does help that someone understands. I think I'm looking for strength and comfort from others who are in the same boat, so to speak. This journey is so lonely when you're the only living child.

I was an only, but that is because my sister passed away about 3 years before my mother did.

My parent's house is about 5 miles away from mine, so I did not have the distance issue you do. My father was mostly capable of taking care of mom, but he did get confused a bit near the end of her life. Mostly I had to just be there and make sure he did not do anything foolish.

(For example, near the end she was drifting in and out of consciousness at home and he was not sure if we needed to call 911 or not. 'Yes, dad, I think it is time.')

Dad was pretty easy to take care of, but he lost it towards his end and did not fully make the connection between doing his PT and OT and getting strong enough to go home.

Back to my mom. She shared some of the things your mother does: she would not eat much, sometimes almost nothing; she needed help getting up and down, but she was so thin we could do it; she was very likely depressed; she mouthed the words that she needed to eat to get strong so she could go home, but she never did; she was not blind though.

Visiting mom sometimes cheered her up, but the effects were temporary.

How are you doing? Obviously you do not have siblings to help you. Do you have a family of your own to help support you through all of this? It is a very demanding road you are on, and we all can use all the support we can get.


Now for the hard part. It sounds like your mother may be a candidate for hospice care. Have you had that conversation with her doctors? Talking to the doctor about hospice does not mean you have to put her under hospice care; it just means you are discussing her care options to make the best decision you can.

hugs sweety...hugs

I give you permission and encouragement to detach.

At times it is the only reasonable choice

I can understand the desire to want to detach for awhile. At 2,500 miles away, I'm assuming the visits aren't too often. Is there any way she can be moved closer to you so that you could visit more often? Having her closer and being able to see her more often may alleviate some of your stress of not knowing what's actually happening every day.

Thanks everyone for commenting. I never thought about hospice. They told me when we first moved her in that we would have access to those services. I need to look into it more.

I did have the discussion about moving her closer. That upset her even more so I try not to push her too much. She wants to die in her hometown. I kind of feel like I should allow her that one last wish.

My brother died 6 years ago and that was the beginning of her depression and withdrawing from life. I don't have any other family except my husband who is supportive but he sees things differently than I do. I also have a sister-in-law and niece but they are not of any real help or support. They have their own lives and have moved on. They came to visit in November and it was a strained visit.

Luckily, I have a job (and an awesome boss) that allows me the time to travel back there. I've been back 4 times since October when this all started. I want to get back in February if I can. Just for a long weekend.

I appreciate you all. Just knowing I'm not the only one going through this helps. Thank you.

Do you think that she will make it out of the facility she is in? If not then moving her to your town may be a good idea. At least you can visit her more often.

One thing I learned is that there is never a "golden option" that is the best for all issues. We just navigate the waters and do the best we can.

Continuing hugs.

One of the hardest things to do in this life is to take care of an aging parent, or have one who is in a home. My mother lived with me for 5 years before I became her care giver and at the end I got myself extremely sick, both physically and emotionally. You have to do what your heart is telling you. You don't need anyone's permission, only your own. It takes a lot of strength but you have that strength, just believe it in your heart. Hugs GB

The journey can be lonely even if you have two brothers...sometimes life isnt fair