Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
I just got a call from mom who has someone coming from an assisted living facility to talk to her. just want I want!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Except for the constant reminders that she really wants to die at home. I am in the worst shape of my life at this very minute. The woman is dying and all I can think about is the never ending guilt she has placed on me for most of my life. I was guilted into trying to take care of my brother because she claimed "you have to help him you are the only one he listens to" of course when i was unable to fix the situation, he died and it took me 2 years t o stop blaming myself. i want to sign out from work and get so drunk that i pass out. I could take a leave from work for her...but I do not want to be her caregiver....there I said it. And i am beside myself that she continues to manipulate even from her death bed. What kind of person does not want to take care of their own mother?! OMG......I cannot find my husband and my therapist cannot see me until tomorrow. I want to go over there and tell her what she has done to me. WHat kind of person wants to do that?! I don't want to live anymore
You need to put yourself first. No matter what.
get yourself well.
So, what can you do today?
eat something sinful
take a long walk in a pretty place,
a bubble bath with nice music
get in the car and scream...but make sure the windows are closed...I did it and only afterwards realized that I was parked in front of the busy post office and my back windows were wide open!!!
say a prayer, read a racy novel, go hand out treats to homeless people...anything that gets you out of this rut.
remember, you don't deserve it, you didn't cause it and you can't control her...you can only handle you. you deserve peace.
BIG HUGS
Do something for *you*, okay? A spa day, a gentle day, a self-caring day.
I think, Diane M, you might want to go to PTSD board and dig up my thread from a week ago about what I daydreamed of doing to my late father's *ashes*. If I find it, I'll post the link. At one point I had him down for cat litter, or being mixed with concrete to be a sidewalk slab, flushed down a toilet, mixed with coffee grounds and thrown into an ocean.... Trust me, anger goes weird places. THat's okay as long as no one actually gets hurt. (I have a Punch Pillow for these things.)
ANger is *normal* when we're pushed into what feels like a no-win situation.
And not wanting to care for one's own parent isn't about whether or not that we love them or they love us. Pragmatism time: Are you a licensed medical professional for end-of-life care? No.
And to be honest, go ahead, tell her. Write her a long letter or tape it on a video---then eras it. You get it off your chest, you do no harm to her. Win-win.
Gentle support and hugs.
Leo
I've been getting reports that somebody is saying that you are not a good person. I've a good mind to go find that person and give them a piece of my mind.
The problem is that person is you!
YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON!
Your mother wants things HER WAY, and she wants that ALL THE TIME! A reasonable person understands that life is a series of compromises. With friends, with spouses, with children, with everybody. Your mother does not realize that.
Comparison is the thief of joy. Don't compare you and your situation with your mom to other mother-daughter relationships. You've been exposed to several of those here that are toxic.
I am so very sorry that this is building up on you.
If you want permission to walk away from your other, believe me that all of us here give you that permission. But the only person you really need it from is yourself.
Continuing hugs
What kind of daughter does not want to take care of her mother?
Well I sure don't and I have no guilt about it whatsoever.
I did the best I could for her and she is in a nice safe AL.
I still do nice things for her and visit from time to time but do I want her back?
HELL no!
It's still hard but I make myself. Thank goodness we have the funds to pay for full time care at home.
I still feel bad when I don't go over (to be tortured mentally!), but I don't go every day and I don't answer the phone. I know she's safe and I must preserve my sanity.
BTW, my mom made me promise years ago to always take care of my brother, who never really worked. Glad he has a girlfriend of 25 yrs .but I'm still afraid she may throw him out one day!
Hope things improve for you soon. Smiles and Hugs