Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
Background : mom onset of dementia(diagnosis on Thrus). recently diagnosed with Hep C. Lives alone, able to do daily activities...cook, clean, bathe...
doesn't like seniors or people, seniors centers. goes to local gym senior classes. Likes being alone and doing things by herself.
Plus english is her second language. I feel she understands it less now, plus doesn't know things medical or technical or finiancial. Her language is not a common one and there is no drs who speak it near by.
I perceived her as a selfish person, not very supportive and very condensing and critical.( one time told me I have AIDS and should die and excommunicated me for 3 years+, when younger.) I had 15+ yrs of therapy b/c of my family dysfunction, so am able to put distance between us but it still hurts. and am able to take care of her.
Me:worked in healthcare, have young kids and DH. Have a sensitive and anxious personality. Have 2 siblings who do not help but they had no therapy so can't I blame them?
I accompany her to all things complex-- doctors, financial, read all mail.
SITUATION:She hasn't complied with her Hep meds. 10 days forgot.
I bought 28 day pill holder and called daily to make sure she took.
Yesterday I called asked, she said yes, but when I said which date she said 8/23. Not 24. So I went over to make sure, plus to see if she has food in frig.
She got B*TCHY and told me ' I was a busybody and I was making trouble. And to stop coming over, she will live and do things by herself until she falls over and dies." (yeah, if it was that easy.she doesn't realize that she can fall break some bones and be suffering for days before someone or death comes) I told her if she wanted to stay living in her place alone then I needed to check every few days that everything is ok. Otherwise she would go to a nursing home. I shouldnot have said that. :(
PROBLEM: I need to just get through 70+ days of her HEP C meds.
Then she can do whatever she wants.
I will check on her one day on the weekend and if her frig is empty or with rotten food I will take care of it.
If it continues will get professional help.
But I want to honor her wish to stay at home for as long as possible. But with her dementia and the fact she doesn't like anyone including me to check on her , so I don't know how long it will last. But that is another problem for another day.
thanks for reading and much appreciation for any suggestions in advance.
doesn't like seniors or people, seniors centers. goes to local gym senior classes. Likes being alone and doing things by herself.
Plus english is her second language. I feel she understands it less now, plus doesn't know things medical or technical or finiancial. Her language is not a common one and there is no drs who speak it near by.
I perceived her as a selfish person, not very supportive and very condensing and critical.( one time told me I have AIDS and should die and excommunicated me for 3 years+, when younger.) I had 15+ yrs of therapy b/c of my family dysfunction, so am able to put distance between us but it still hurts. and am able to take care of her.
Me:worked in healthcare, have young kids and DH. Have a sensitive and anxious personality. Have 2 siblings who do not help but they had no therapy so can't I blame them?
I accompany her to all things complex-- doctors, financial, read all mail.
SITUATION:She hasn't complied with her Hep meds. 10 days forgot.
I bought 28 day pill holder and called daily to make sure she took.
Yesterday I called asked, she said yes, but when I said which date she said 8/23. Not 24. So I went over to make sure, plus to see if she has food in frig.
She got B*TCHY and told me ' I was a busybody and I was making trouble. And to stop coming over, she will live and do things by herself until she falls over and dies." (yeah, if it was that easy.she doesn't realize that she can fall break some bones and be suffering for days before someone or death comes) I told her if she wanted to stay living in her place alone then I needed to check every few days that everything is ok. Otherwise she would go to a nursing home. I shouldnot have said that. :(
PROBLEM: I need to just get through 70+ days of her HEP C meds.
Then she can do whatever she wants.
I will check on her one day on the weekend and if her frig is empty or with rotten food I will take care of it.
If it continues will get professional help.
But I want to honor her wish to stay at home for as long as possible. But with her dementia and the fact she doesn't like anyone including me to check on her , so I don't know how long it will last. But that is another problem for another day.
thanks for reading and much appreciation for any suggestions in advance.
I do have a concern that you feel there could be rotten food in the refrigerator at the end of the week. Is she able to make personal health care decisions for herself? It doesn't sound so.
Maybe a trip or two before the weekend for. I wouldn't care how angry she got, what she's eating and the meds she needs to take are a priority.
If she just has to get through the meds, tell her you will leave her alone as soon as they are all done.
and if she won't be compliant...then she is choosing not to live a healthy or long life....you can't do anything about that
as to rotting foods, My mom is in pretty good shape mentally, unless she is upset...and yet, she feels she is wasting food if she throws it out...and eats it past when I think is safe. We have this discussion often. Sometimes she even gets sick to her stomach...and we talk about it again...and again.
my mom is 85 next week, and she just brings up the depression...which no one much younger can use...but if your mom was from a country where there were food issues in her youth, that may contribute to her "choices".
I would get professional help to stop in on her.
Wishing you peace.
Do what you need to do then leave.
Is there someone you could pay to come over on the days you don't to see that she takes her pill?
Also remember there are some things that you can't change and you don't need to let her guilt you about that
From your OP it seems like you are doing everything right.
Please be easy on yourself. You nave NOTHING to feel guilty about.
One thing we all have learned is that we need to set limits, and there needs to be consequences when those limits are crossed. The consequences need to be something that matters to them, yet something that we control. Typically our parents crave our time, so denial of our time is a natural choice for consequences. But since your mom wants to be left alone, ...
Can you check with the health care officials where you live? Hep C can be nasty, and there may be a way that health officials can get involved. Here is a reference I found using google:
http://www.catie.ca/en/practical-guides/hepc-in-depth/faq/when-person-legally-required-tell-other-people-
You may be able to enlist the help of local health care officials and make them the "bad guys" who monitor her compliance. Then you can come in and be the "good guy" who helps keep them out of her life by making sure she takes her meds.
Be careful, she could resort to throwing the pills away once a day to make it look like she is taking them.
Again welcome, and gentle hugs!
My mom's first language is not English, tho' she learned it as a toddler; she is incredibly stubborn; she's not suffering any dementia but won't take care of herself or her space, and she lives *with* me because that was her wish (originally ours too)....
From experience? Recent and nasty experience? Please, with her dementia and so on, alert local adult social services. They can help find out what kind of living situations are available for her, what kind of financial aid, and possibly monitoring and home health supervision.
My mom and Hubby and I agreed to have mom age in place in our home in an "in-law suite" but she's made that impossible....
So I've had to crash course on what adult services can do, and the resources available.
Otherwise, take photos of her living conditions, or video record conversations and so on, so you have proof of what she's like if she can "pass" by social services. (As my mom, a retired nurse, did. Ack.)
Good luck. Wish I had magic solutions.
UPDATE: Neuro diagnosis: Nothing but old age memory loss. Nothing out of the ordinary. :} RX ARICEPT (donepezil HCL 5mg) to help treat confusion.
Situation: Mom refuses to have me come by to check on her. I asked the Dr. to talk to her but she is stubborn and refuses to listen. i am angry but if she can take care of herself and all her finances are still in order, she is still competent. I will repsect her wishes.
She told me that she would contact my sister (who she excommunicated 3 years ago to check in on her). I will wait a while and follow up in a weeks time.
MY Decision: I will continue to call her and check up on her on the weekend. I have reached out to my siblings but yet to hear from them , will be patient.
I am worried but if the doctors feel that she is competent and can handle her daily routines. I will accompany her to the doctors and bank , continue to read her mail and wait in the sideline if somethings drastic would happen. In the meantime, I will go to the dept of aging in my city and get advice and info on what needs to be in place before she really becomes imcompetent.
LOL yeah she doesn't remember sometimes what happens but somethings she remembers. Thanks for making me laugh. I feel better.
I really appreciate all the advice and will read it to remind me what is important. thanks