Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
My MIL has lived with us for several yrs now and no one else in the family will help with her care. My husband is an only child. She is 64, my husband and I are 38 and have children ages 17,10, and 7.
MIL's health is fair to poor. She can hardly see due to diabetes, an amputee due to a blood clot, on 14 different medications, cannot cook, clean, or cut up food. Most recently she now need assistance with going to the bathroom. She constantly complains about living situation. However, neither her nor my husband will agree to a home.
He has pushed ALL of the care giving on to me. So, I'm very stressed out. I very rarely get help from my kids in dealing with her. When she gets a bedside commode again, I'm the one who has to clean it. Supposedly, I'm the only one with a strong enough stomach to deal with the stench.
We all have mental health issues, however only one of my daughters and myself are in therapy. I have such resentment towards her and my husband, that I really feel like my marriage is ending. She also refuses to go to the doctor(s) most of the time. Also they refuse to let any other care giver (strangers) into our home. The only time I get a break is when I go to therapy appointments.
I feel like I'm going stir crazy.
MIL's health is fair to poor. She can hardly see due to diabetes, an amputee due to a blood clot, on 14 different medications, cannot cook, clean, or cut up food. Most recently she now need assistance with going to the bathroom. She constantly complains about living situation. However, neither her nor my husband will agree to a home.
He has pushed ALL of the care giving on to me. So, I'm very stressed out. I very rarely get help from my kids in dealing with her. When she gets a bedside commode again, I'm the one who has to clean it. Supposedly, I'm the only one with a strong enough stomach to deal with the stench.
We all have mental health issues, however only one of my daughters and myself are in therapy. I have such resentment towards her and my husband, that I really feel like my marriage is ending. She also refuses to go to the doctor(s) most of the time. Also they refuse to let any other care giver (strangers) into our home. The only time I get a break is when I go to therapy appointments.
I feel like I'm going stir crazy.
We have talked here in the past about setting limits and boundaries. Normally that means setting boundaries with the older relatives we are taking care of. In your case it sounds like you need to set limits and boundaries with your husband.
Many men (myself included) are very reluctant to give personal care to their moms or MILs. There may be no way to get your husband to do this, but you might want to use that in your reasoning with him. Their refusal to accept outside care might be bundled into that. Perhaps you need to arrange to be away for a weekend (to visit your mom?); let your husband know that he will need to take care of his mom or have somebody come in and help.
Gentle hugs
You can only control what you will or will not do. So stop doing what you do not want to do. Since your husband and MIL seem to be in control of decision making let them figure out what they will do when you stop being their slave.
What you might want to do is look into the options. Then you can hand them a list of in home care providers as well as assisted living. Alot of course depends on your MILs financial situation, but there are lots of options out there.
As to what they want....well what about what you want?? The answer is No more being used No more allowing them to dictate what you will do No more excluding you from decision making in your own home. And if your husband doesn't like this then he can take his mother and leave.
Its never gonna get any better under the current circumstances. I'm gonna "guess" MIL prolly collects SSDI or at least SS............and part of her money supports the household..................
For the sake of your younger children.......you need to make other arrangements for YOU and them!!!...........JMHO
How unfortunate to have this situation. Obviously you give in a do this and now it is yours to do full time.
If the house is hers then maybe she and your husband know medicaid will
complicate your living situation.
Ask your therapist for a list of services helping people in your situation.
They will have very direct information to help you. Especially since you have kids.
P
Mom threw me out near the end at sisters demand fter years of helping her.
Once I was gone, that plan.....
Dad sells house, more es into vacant room of child going off to college, everyone happy!
When it did not work that way I get dad shows up on driveway.
He expects me to take over
I had no say during planning phases
Now I have to out sown foot and he is outta here.
The stress can me an ulcer.
Don't get an ulcer. Sto having the only strong tummy. Let other who have voice at planning meets do the real work till your voice is heard.
It is extremely unreasonable for your husband to expect you to do a daughter's job. If she has daughters, they should step up. I find it incredible that someone MY age is in this shape. She musta really been burning the ole candle @ both ends to get such shape.
Save yourself while you can. YOu will end up sacrificing your health, both mental AND physical if you don't stand up for what is right.....especially when there ARE sibllings. A home is the place for this lady,,, no matter what they say and if you aren't there,, they will be forced to do something. GOOD LUCK!