Mine is alive and kicking at 92 and doesn't even take pills and not incontinent. Well, either assisted living or nursing home or WE GO INSANE !!!!!

I forgot to mention, if my mom were nice, I would gladly keep her at home and love her right to the end. I still love her but cannot live with her, I'd kill her.

I managed not to kill mine but at times it was NOT EASY! LOL

Mine is 72 and determined to be hateful, so she's no longer in my home. She lived with us 8 years, most of which while she was still working and it was to help her save for retirement and be prepared for "aging in place".... And then she retired, and then.... Dang if I know, but I now see her only on Sundays for the longest and nastiest half-hour of my week. It's like she's nothing at all like the person who raised me. If she survived to 73, I'll be surprised. If *I* survive till then, I'll be surprised!

Well leo at least you got her out of the house! Good for you!

Emotional distance is often a good way to deal with these things. Part of the problem is that we want to have that mom or dad that we either used to have, or never had. We want a loving relationship where our parent is rational and takes the feelings of others into account.

Sometimes we need to accept that is not the hand we were dealt. It can be very hard to do.

Limits is a good way to handle difficult parents. (Or any difficult person in our lives!)

Some of those limits apply to us! Make a list of a few things that cause you the most stress; make sure they are ones that can be resolved by some action on your mother's part, just make sure it is an action she CAN do but does not want to do.

When she complains about one of these things (Mom, it is cold in your room because you refuse to turn the heater on. Turn the heater on!) Then if she refuses to take the action leave. Or hang up the phone. Or stop talking to her until she fixes the situation.

Not sure if any of this applies directly, but from what I've learned here the idea can be applied to a lot of the problems we have with our parents here.


Continuing hugs

Unintentional or not, sometimes they become energy vampires.

No matter how much we plan and no matter how much detail we put into those plans, everyday sidetracking problems always come up. I would try not to worry about what might happen with her and just take things as they come.

Vewry well said pepper!

PD makes a good point. I tried to prepare for anything that *might* or *could* happen---except what did! Have a few basics down, like the legal stuff, and then.... Hey, if she wants to complain she's cold (stealing Pepper's metaphor), and won't turn on heat or use a sweater? Yeah. Time to leave it alone, for your own sanity. Step back, breathe, set limits.

Mine are: one half-hour visit in person per week, and if she doesn't not leave a message on our machine by 5 PM the other six days of the week, we call her to see she's okay or not. No conversation, nope. Just "You're fine? Good. Okay. We love you." She usually hangs up before we get to the "We love you", but it's for *my* sake, really.

As usual, Pepper says it best. Oh well, we can be sincerely flattering by imitating?