Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
hi. i've posted her before about various things. tonight i have a question for you and would like your opinion. it's a faminly thing. my sister wants to come over to visit my mom occasionally. i have been caring for mom and she's been living with me for a couple of months since she had a stroke. my sister and i don't get along and i find her very manipulative and mean. my mother knows i don't like her. anyway, i told me sister that if she wants to visit the best times for me would be my days off (two per week) or after i get off work in the evening after like 5pm. I don't want her here when i am not home for a number of reasons including worry about my cats getting out, etc. i don't feel comfortable with her being here without me being here. i think this is very reasonalbe since she won't let my mom stay with her at all and i am doing all of the hard work in caring for my mom such as taking her to appontments, shopping, helping with meds, cooking, cleaning, etc. etc. my sister lives about 25 minutes by car away. so she has been pushing me to let her come over when i am at work. she only wants to come over when she is already coming to town for some other reason so she doesnt have to come over here specially to see mom even though it's an easy and even scenic drive. she has a nice car and a job that is very flexible with it's hours (she works for herself from home mostly). so my queston is, do you think it's reasonable that i set that limit about visiting times for my mom...? i personally feel i am doing her a favor. she coudln't visit her at all if i hadn't offered to let my mom stay with me since mom's home is out of state and also, considering the bad blood between my sister and I, which my sister is fully aware of, she's lucky i let her come over here at all. my sister is financially well off also. i see no good reason that she can't abide by my wishes and not push the boundries. i am extremely stressed out and i feel it's the least she can do to not be such an asshole when i am killing myself off to help my mom. also, i find it very disrespectful that she ignores my request to come over on days off and keeps wanting to come over when i am not here. it's making me very angry. what should i do? how do you think i should handle this? she is welcome to take my mom out for as long as she wants. i just want to be here when she is coming over and brining my mom home. she's getting me so mad for this and other reasons that i want to cut her off completely but at this point i won't. i think my mom understand that my sister is being very difficult but she won't stand up to her. also, the frequency of how much my sister wants to visit isn't an issue. i doubt she would visit more than once a week if even that much. thanks for any advice or input. i feel like i really need support right now from family and not someone trying to make things even more difficult. oh and one other thing, it would be nice if she did take her out for a few hours on my days off so i could have a few hours to myself in the house which i never get anymore.
-
I invited Bill to have dinner with me last Sunday. He wasn't willing to drive 7 hours to mid Michigan and teased me with his beautiful ribs!!! So, of course I ate alone and had cedar salmon
-
Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
Offer to dump mom on her for her to take care of if she wants to see her when your not home. Take her off my hands I would say! No keep it your way or the highway! Fuck sister richie bitchie!
Now for a remark totally out from left field. Any chance of repairing your relationship with your sister? My sister died about 6 years ago, and I'd give anything to see her again, even if it was to fight over some old dispute. But I have friends who have severed ties with siblings, and their lives improved significantly, so I know that there is not a single solution that works for everybody.
Do you have other siblings that can help out? Perhaps they can come and relieve you so you can get some time off. Or perhaps they can serve as an intermediate between you and that sister to help the two of you work off a hand-off with your mother.
I imagine your mom loves both of her children and just wants to get along as best as possible ....This would be hard on her as well
My brother and I ended up estranged due to this type of stress.... The only thing that I can say postumously is that I wish for my moms' sake that she hadn't seen this..... If you truly don't trust her to be in your home for a legitimate reason then do what you're comfortable with.... If you're just angry at your sister.... I would take some time to think about it.....
I know how hard and heartbreaking this can be....
I agree with Pepper that if you don't get along at all this is why she wants to come when just her and your mom are there.... Have you asked her if she'll take your mom out or to her place?
Big hug for you.... This brings back all kinds of memories and I know it's very painful......xo
At the same time if she doesn't want to be a caregiver there is nothing you'll be able to do about it ... I feel for you a lot.... Big hug and a blessing.....xo
Many of us here have done things for our parents (and siblings if we delve into it deep enough) so that we will feel good about what we have done. I am religious, and I need to be able to face my maker and say that I tried to do the best job I could for my parents and my MIL. I know that I do more for my MIL than 2 of her 4 children. It gets me down from time to time, but I am mostly at peace with that.
Back to your sister, perhaps you can ask her to contribute financially. Many of us would like it if a sibling would pay for occasional in-house care so we can get some time off. Perhaps your sister would do that? If things continue to be tight between the two of you (I read your reply about your sister) then she could pay the agency directly, that way she would not feel like you used her money on something else.
Gentle hugs