Hi all,

I should have known it could be any time. I think it was still hard for me to grasp that my mom was in a vulnerable, end-of-life, weakened state. She was always such a force, so in control, the matriarch. Some part of me probably believed she was more powerful than death. In spite of her many ailments, she was so vital, so youthful-looking, even. 85 but I think she could pass for 60's, and if she wore big dark sunglasses, maybe 40's lol

I'm okay tonight. I've been surprisingly ok since she died. I was messaging with a friend, and she was saying I should let my mom go, it was selfish of me to want to keep her, when Mom wanted to go on .... my friend has a very firm belief in Heaven and that people become young again, and free of disease and free of worldly cares when they're in Heaven. It gives me comfort to think that.

My friend said she had to go, and a minute or two later I heard a soft intake of breath. I thought it was probably my sister Bev, who was napping on the recliner in the livingroom, right between my bed and my mom's hospital bed on her other side. But then I thought maybe it was Mom who made that sound. I looked over, and it appeared to me that Mom's chest was no longer rising and falling. I went over and didn't hear her breathing. I woke my sister, telling her I thought Mom might be dead. My sister felt for a pulse, and we realized Mom really had gone.

Mom died at home - wish it had been her home, all re-done and neatened up, with rose bushes planted and a vegetable garden - all the things Mom had wanted, but never could do in the end. But at least it was in my apartment with me and Bev by her side, literally! Mom went peacefully, and the hospice nurse who came after noticed that Mom's forehead was smooth - no worry lines or frown lines. Peaceful. I felt a certain peace too, just sitting there in the livingroom. I lost a fiance years ago, and after his cremation his grown son and I sat in my fiance's livingroom and it felt so peaceful. I was not hugely sad or grief-stricken in that moment. It felt like my fiance was with us in that room. I felt something very similar with my mom this afternoon.

My sister wanted to spend one more night with Mom, so Hospice said fine, even up to 3 days is sometimes ok too, before our loved ones have to be taken to the funeral home or crematorium .... Mom will be in her hospital bed, my sister Bev in the recliner next to Mom, and me on the other side in my bed.

I know there are going to be wild mood changes during the grieving to come ... I was grieving like crazy yesterday .... but for tonight I'm ok. Very sad, and I feel like I let my mom down - crazy, I know. Like - if she couldn't fight off death, I should have fought death off for her. I guess I tried in my own way, but everyone has their time to go, and I must believe it was my mom's time to go.

The hospice nurse said there are places that will take the unopened medications Mom was prescribed, and a place that will accept the unopened hospice medical supplies to give to those who are uninsured and need them. I'm so glad about that. However, I think I will stash away the anti-anxiety meds for me LOL .... I went to pieces when my fiance died, and anti-anxiety meds helped keep me sane!

I'm okay for tonight.

Big hugs to everyone, and my thanks for making this journey so much more bearable for me, all of you!

I hope you're all having a peaceful night. I'm gonna try to, also!

Kathy