Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
I have positively started to see sign of dementia in my mom. Yesterday i spent 3 hours with her at the doctor's office. She complained about waiting too long in the lobby when in fact it was only 10 minutes. She thought it was November. .After the appointment she forgot she had to go back on the facility van and was waiting for me to load her in my car (ok maybe that was just wishful thinking on her part.)
The facility asked me to get her smaller underwear because the ones I brought from home were XL and the woman only weighs 80 pounds. She had no idea what size she wanted me to get for her so I opted for medium, only because she hates tight things and i figured small would make her complain. I only bought her a few...i wanted to make sure they were ok before getting more, so I asked her if they fit any better. She had no idea ... She informed me that she does not dress herself , which I knew. But honestly...how can a person not tell by feel if their underwear are comfortable? So I guess i will have to ask the staff if they fit her. PS...the ONLY underwear my mother will agree to are from Boscov's and $10 a pair!!!!!!
here is the thing.....I STILL feel overwhelmed with everything I have to do ...yes she is safe due to the placement but i need a break!!!!! I swear I am running myself more ragged now than before!! For instance.... Her neurologist is retiring and mom wants her records. She does not need her records!!! They are being sent to the hospital that the doc was affiliated with, and whatever doc my mom uses next will have access. But she carries on about this endlessly so i have to make a trip.
She wants a watch. Her watches are at my house but none of them work, so i brought her the clock from her kitchen. Her cell phone has the time on it as well. And there is a huge clock outside her door. But again....I am getting harassed about it so off i go next to buy a battery.
And my brother! OMG!!! I am doing him a HUGE favor! I have asked him for NO help. His wife just completed chemo and radiation, and I have no problem with her coming first. That is how it should be.. But he informs me he cannot help with mom's appointments because he has no more FML. Ok then do something else. Mom wants her bed from the house. Obviously that is not something *I* am not capable of doing and i have told him so, but he is making no effort at all to get it. And Sunday....I was out of state...and he contacted me because Mom wanted to know what time her Monday appointment was. Umm...HELLO...he was AT the facility at the time! . They are the ones who arranged it because mom was taking their van and he knew that!! SO ask them what time it was scheduled for!!!
i do want to mention some things that did make me almost smile yesterday. Mom was, of course complaining to the PA that she hates the personal care home and that she should have gone somewhere else. (Trust me.....I DID my research. She is in a good place.) The PA informed my mom that she had worked there herself and my mom could look high and low but she will probably not find a better place. YES!!!
And my mom pulled the "I can't talk routine" with the PA. When asked what brought her there...mom pointed at her throat and kept mouthing the words "I can't talk". I said "come on mom, we were chatting in the lobby all morning. You were just talking to the nurse. You CAN talk!" Thank goodness i am now able to find the humor in that because she has pulled it before.
And she told me i need a haircut. LOL!!! Ok I agree there. As a matter of fact, I need a lot! A haircut, a visit to the dermatologist, the dentist, new glasses...the list goes on and on. But none of them are going to happen if i do not get a break soon. .
But I will admit, some of my situation is due to the depression from which I suffer. When My 45 year old brother died 4 years ago., I stopped living (he was mentally ill AND an alcoholic and Mom said I had to help him because i was the only one he would listen to...so when he passed away i convinced myself it was my fault for not being able to *fix* him.) . I went to work and that is all. I kept no appointments except for therapy and i did NOTHING around the house. It took a few years for me to reach the point where i was functioning again. ANd then..instead of trying to deal with my own stuff....I have to keep putting it on the back burner
The facility asked me to get her smaller underwear because the ones I brought from home were XL and the woman only weighs 80 pounds. She had no idea what size she wanted me to get for her so I opted for medium, only because she hates tight things and i figured small would make her complain. I only bought her a few...i wanted to make sure they were ok before getting more, so I asked her if they fit any better. She had no idea ... She informed me that she does not dress herself , which I knew. But honestly...how can a person not tell by feel if their underwear are comfortable? So I guess i will have to ask the staff if they fit her. PS...the ONLY underwear my mother will agree to are from Boscov's and $10 a pair!!!!!!
here is the thing.....I STILL feel overwhelmed with everything I have to do ...yes she is safe due to the placement but i need a break!!!!! I swear I am running myself more ragged now than before!! For instance.... Her neurologist is retiring and mom wants her records. She does not need her records!!! They are being sent to the hospital that the doc was affiliated with, and whatever doc my mom uses next will have access. But she carries on about this endlessly so i have to make a trip.
She wants a watch. Her watches are at my house but none of them work, so i brought her the clock from her kitchen. Her cell phone has the time on it as well. And there is a huge clock outside her door. But again....I am getting harassed about it so off i go next to buy a battery.
And my brother! OMG!!! I am doing him a HUGE favor! I have asked him for NO help. His wife just completed chemo and radiation, and I have no problem with her coming first. That is how it should be.. But he informs me he cannot help with mom's appointments because he has no more FML. Ok then do something else. Mom wants her bed from the house. Obviously that is not something *I* am not capable of doing and i have told him so, but he is making no effort at all to get it. And Sunday....I was out of state...and he contacted me because Mom wanted to know what time her Monday appointment was. Umm...HELLO...he was AT the facility at the time! . They are the ones who arranged it because mom was taking their van and he knew that!! SO ask them what time it was scheduled for!!!
i do want to mention some things that did make me almost smile yesterday. Mom was, of course complaining to the PA that she hates the personal care home and that she should have gone somewhere else. (Trust me.....I DID my research. She is in a good place.) The PA informed my mom that she had worked there herself and my mom could look high and low but she will probably not find a better place. YES!!!
And my mom pulled the "I can't talk routine" with the PA. When asked what brought her there...mom pointed at her throat and kept mouthing the words "I can't talk". I said "come on mom, we were chatting in the lobby all morning. You were just talking to the nurse. You CAN talk!" Thank goodness i am now able to find the humor in that because she has pulled it before.
And she told me i need a haircut. LOL!!! Ok I agree there. As a matter of fact, I need a lot! A haircut, a visit to the dermatologist, the dentist, new glasses...the list goes on and on. But none of them are going to happen if i do not get a break soon. .
But I will admit, some of my situation is due to the depression from which I suffer. When My 45 year old brother died 4 years ago., I stopped living (he was mentally ill AND an alcoholic and Mom said I had to help him because i was the only one he would listen to...so when he passed away i convinced myself it was my fault for not being able to *fix* him.) . I went to work and that is all. I kept no appointments except for therapy and i did NOTHING around the house. It took a few years for me to reach the point where i was functioning again. ANd then..instead of trying to deal with my own stuff....I have to keep putting it on the back burner
You can talk back to your mother, you can set limits for your mother, and you can drop the consequences on her.
Look for ways to make your life easier. Schedule time for a hair cut, the dermatologist, the dentist, the eye doctor, and what ever else. If your mom calls with a disaster that will disrupt your "you time" then ...
DO NOT ANSWER THE PHONE!
Your mother is in a very good home, and they can take care of things. Make contact with one of the head nurses in the home (I know they go by different titles in different places). You can then call that person later in the day to find out what was going on. That person will totally understand that you have a life outside of your mother and need to take care of you as well.
You have come so very far in such a short period of time!
Big Monster Pepper Powered Hugs!
But Dr. TJT AKA Dr. Phil's minion is going to "tell you like it is" just the way he does.
Here comes a bit of tough love.
You absolutely MUST do everything Dr. Pepper says or quit whining!
Absolutely do not answer the phone and if were you I would take mom's phone away too.
Just another way for her to cause a pot of trouble and not worth what someone is paying for it.
And what is the difference between a vent and a whine anyway?
They seem the same to me! I whine plenty! Whining is OK! But if you don't want to stand up for yourself both venting and whining are useless!
I think you are doing much better and I totally wish you continued success!
You have a very giving personality but with that comes the exhaustion of taking care of everyone else and then there's the self-doubt when you can't fix everyone's issues. Some things in life are out of our control. We can't fix everything even though we commit ourselves to accomplishing everything.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved brother. That was a sad story. My condolences to you and your family.
I say this often but I'm the biggest hypocrite when it comes to actually doing it. We have to stop, take a step back and make time for ourselves. And, do it without giving ourselves an unsubstantiated guilt trip. Of course it will be met with resentment from others, often met with insults, accusations of abandonment by others BUT, if we don't take the time we'll never be offered the time by those we're taking care of. Trust me!
I wish my interaction with my mother was by phone only!!!!!!!!!!!! Agghhhhhh! What I'd give! I certainly wouldn't answer that thing!
Additionally, I do think there is a differnce between venting and whining. Not everyone can tell the difference.
You are venting and that is one of the main reasons for this site. To vent, get support and give support. So forget the "whining" comment.