I know what you are going through. After my mom's hospital and rehab stay we (family and doctors) thought she should be in an assisted living because of the dementia. We made complex plans to move her across the country and into a facility near me. Well at the last moment I realized that I was doing this for my sake and not for mom. Yes I wanted her safe and I wanted to be close enough to be with her but this was not what she wanted.

My mom is back in her apartment with a variety of aides and a case manager as needed. It's not ideal but it's what mom wanted and even before the dementia it is the way she would want to live out her life. I know that mom would accept the risk of a fall or other injury that would shorten her life.

If I were you I would try an experiment. Take a weekend away from mom. Make it as close to her being alone as possible and see how she does. She may change her mind or she might surprise you and do very well.

If she does well then you might consider moving back to your home but leave your room in her house so you can come for visits as needed. Twenty minutes is not a long drive so checkins are easy but you might find times when you need to stay over.

Another thing to consider is some cameras. You can buy them at BestBuy for about $100 each. All you need is an outlet below. Then it works over her internet router and you can view it anywhere. It's been two months and my mother hasn't noticed them. The peace of mind is priceless.

Sounds like your mom is a very independent woman. You need to think about her overall condition and then try to remember what her wishes would be.

Peace......with the $$ spent on cleaning person, storage and doggie daycare................maybe you could get a part time caregiver for mom??

Move back to your place but be available if needed. Tigg has some great suggestions:):)

Some times we have to either ignore some of their request if it would be. Detrimental to their living alone its your call peaceful I know how hard it is to please them and grant every request that they ask and some times it stands on the threshold or damned if you do and damned if you don't. Weigh all scenarios so you have a plan a and b

God bless

Well I have not mentioned it and just going about things.
I will not just up and go. That would not work even if she wanted it
this way.
Mom trusts so little and I cant tell if she is having lapses where she thinks she can go it alone as often she says the reverse..until a week ago.

I would like to know more about the video and viewing over router
deal. Is there a program? Can a theif hack in and watch her too?
How do I find out more?
It is a good idea!!

Next on my list is her plan to leave me a sum of money,
wants me to pay tax then give under tablr money to a couple
relatives who have assistance(will lose it if they are gifted money)
Is this really a good idea?

Any thoughts?

P

I replied on the other post about the cameras.

Money...well that's a tricky one. First of all an inheritance won't affect assistance unless it is significant enough and the person is receiving medicaid to pay for something like a nursing home where they look at your assets.

If your mom's estate is less than $5 million there probably won't be any estate tax so no one would pay taxes. One piece that people forget is that if you inherit money in an IRA you still have to claim the distributions as income when you take it out.

If you inherit the money and then give it to someone else technically you are limited to the annual gift of $14,000 a year before you would have to pay taxes on the gift. If you do it "underhanded" then that wouldn't matter. But if you get to a point of needing assistance Medicare would want to know where the money went.

If mom is this concerned she should talk to her lawyer. He can answer the specific questions and advise her on the best way to give money to these people. She might be able to do some type of trust that wouldn't affect their benefits.

If you do something illegal, you pay for the crime. The law will not care that mom asked you to do it. So bottom line, do you want to break the law?

Are you and your mom together all day or are you at work and she interacting with others in her daily activities, to me it sounds as though she wants to have some input into what's going on not that she wants you out.

I like the idea of giving her a trial period alone. If she does well GREAT! But IMO chances are she will just mess everything up again.

I would be very hesitant to slip relatives any money. Not worth getting caught!

While she is still alive you set this money aside depending on the amount she wants to give them. She her self can do it now while she is alive there is no law on someone spending their own money. While alive. If you want to go further legally 15,000 per year.

Wow, very good points here. The legal advice is helpful. Mom wont spend money on the attorney and mine answer for a fee. Not that I am cheap.
No I don't want to break the law. Moms money (part) comes from an annuity. I have been asking her to consider spending a bit here and there. Anything left of it will have a break down for a few of us.
Its not a lot but enough to upset the one person receiving medicaid.

I do dislike this situation. My hope is that she gets most of it out while
living.

Mom has not continued with the talk of either I move or she will find an apartment. She was alone maybe 5 hours today reading and watching a basket ball game. I had a day off so went to get things from health food store and etc. It was a nice break.

She has been having low BP and feeling poorly. So I am still considering the move or I will bit part of the ability to make certain decisions. No quick move planned yet. But may allow more breaks in the day so she has space.

Thank you again for the input.

P

Check the laws for the state where your mom lives. Some stipulate how money is to be shared when there is no will. Mom may need to have a will to outline what she wants or it may be out of your hands anyway.

As for Will. Yes, actually a Trust. Everything is spelled out in this concerning what money goes to whom. She wants to change it is the problem. Her right to do so. She is technically competent. Just has some obvious issues. It is not worth pursuing any testing concerning a sound mind at this point. Too soon really.

P

Oh trusts are soo much fun :(

If this person is named as a beneficiary of the trust that alone can be a problem for them. Check out the medicaid site for your state to find out about how they treat inheritances and annuities. In general it's considered income in the month it is paid or if it is being held it is considered an asset. Either way they would need to spend it before their medicaid would continue.

Mom might have the best idea. If she names you to inherit this persons share then you could give it to this person over time which wouldn't affect their medicaid and would be legal. And as long as her estate is under $5 million there are no taxes.

Sadly, mom may not get her way this time. If she can't live on her own, she can't live on her own. PERIOD.
Remembering Yesteryear not yesterday is common in memory loss. It is the longer held memories that stick around.

But like a young child who wants things THEIR way and can't have it. The elderly reach a stage where they want things they can't have. It is just as bad to give a toddler all they want as if is to give a memory care elder all they want.

It is true about staying firm on issues and not giving in. I try to avoid or move the direction of issues that set her off. At least this part of her personality is predictable and still easy for me to manage.

Wish she had just under 5 million. Would be on a few vacations. She could come or not. Now, there is no one to really stay with her for long periods of time. I am going to try an over night this summer to see how everyone manages. Tom Petty is on tour. Just need the break and love concerts.

Tigg thanks for the info on the inheritance. Yes there are named beneficiaries so will check out how all this will work out.

Hopefully she will live a long time and spend it :)
P