Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
I feel the need to vent and I welcome any advice or sharing your own experiences.
My husband and I moved in with his Mom almost 3 years ago. She has been a widow for over 20 years. She is 90 and has congestive heart failure and limited mobility. Her hearing is not great either. However, she is still doing well mentally.
My husband is her only child.
We moved in with her because we thought it would be easier for us to go through the stress of moving, than for her. Also, her house is safer and better set up for her mobility needs.
I care for her full time and my husband works.
She doesn't invite friends over, and depends on us and our kids for her social time. The kids don't come over very often.
I know she is bored with life. I make suggestions sometimes but she rarely takes them.
Anyway, I am at point where I don't know what to talk about with her anymore. I really feel that I need my space actually, and sense that she needs hers too. But...she asks almost daily what shift my husband is working (it varies). She is starting to ask more questions about our other daily activities too.
I get immediately resentful now when she asks those questions! We need some of our own personal life as a married couple! One good thing is that she is in bed no later than 8 every night.
Yesterday, my son to came to visit. We were talking in the next room. After he left, she asked me specific questions about some thing we had discussed! I let her know I wasn't happy by my expression, tone of voice and I only partially answered her question.
Anyway, I feel that the next time she asks something that feels like an intrusion to me, I might really blow up and then there will be even more stress in this little house!
My husband and I moved in with his Mom almost 3 years ago. She has been a widow for over 20 years. She is 90 and has congestive heart failure and limited mobility. Her hearing is not great either. However, she is still doing well mentally.
My husband is her only child.
We moved in with her because we thought it would be easier for us to go through the stress of moving, than for her. Also, her house is safer and better set up for her mobility needs.
I care for her full time and my husband works.
She doesn't invite friends over, and depends on us and our kids for her social time. The kids don't come over very often.
I know she is bored with life. I make suggestions sometimes but she rarely takes them.
Anyway, I am at point where I don't know what to talk about with her anymore. I really feel that I need my space actually, and sense that she needs hers too. But...she asks almost daily what shift my husband is working (it varies). She is starting to ask more questions about our other daily activities too.
I get immediately resentful now when she asks those questions! We need some of our own personal life as a married couple! One good thing is that she is in bed no later than 8 every night.
Yesterday, my son to came to visit. We were talking in the next room. After he left, she asked me specific questions about some thing we had discussed! I let her know I wasn't happy by my expression, tone of voice and I only partially answered her question.
Anyway, I feel that the next time she asks something that feels like an intrusion to me, I might really blow up and then there will be even more stress in this little house!
The comparisons between taking care of a baby and taking care of an aging parent are very interesting, and there are a great many similarities. Our babies had a very small world, it was just us parents. But their world was expanding and each year they were exposed to, and became more involved with, more and more people. Our parents live in a small world, and it is getting smaller. At some point it will be just us caregivers and the doctors who see/treat them.
It is hard to be aware of this contracting world as our parents are.
We can be proactive, and that can help a lot. Make time for your husband and you. Date nights are a wonderful thing! Even if you only go out for putting gas in the car! (Find a station that always has long lines, then you can make out while waiting; just like being a teenager again!!!)
Find something to talk to her about, even if it is the same thing every time. My MIL follows the stock market, so we can always ask her about that.
Can you find things outside that need doing, and then do them with your children? This gets you out of hearing distance of your MIL and lets you have some one on one time with your child.
I am sorry that you are feeling locked in.
Gentle hugs
as to discussion? my mom hears from some friends on the phone, or I bring up the news, or even talk about my husband's work.
she probably misses feeling involved in relationships and life...I get that, but yes, you need to have some space.
We live 45 minutes from my mom, but I live with her whenever she is ill...just did two weeks straight. normally, I am only there 3 times a week. I have a sister and brother that spell me.
OH...one thing that has really kept my mom busy? old photo albums and having her make labels of who everyone is, and writing down a few facts or stories....Really has helped pass the days. (she was bedridden)...and some has been interesting!
After I vented here, I felt a little guilty. I told my husband that I need to get back to my mother's philosophy, at least about the small things "Let it roll off you like water off a duck's back!"
I think Mom would like the photo album idea, has even mentioned that. She used to do puzzles but has lost interest.
I can get away when Mom is stable, but I"m "on call" and don't go far away from the house and not for more than a couple of hours.
I'm on a bowling league, it really is a great stress relief and fun.
I never thought prior to my mother moving in with us that I would so regret that decision as I do today. Hindsight? If only we had it, right?
I can tell that if you don't take the time to go out yourself or with your husband for a night out, it will at some point become a huge issue simply because our parents don't want to give us that time anymore. It's not the norm for them, they don't like it, resent it and become very selfish.
We recently attended a wake and my mother was upset that we were going out and not eating dinner prior to leaving. I told her that we were going out with friends after for dinner and OH BOY was she upset that we were going out to eat without her! She wanted us to come back from the wake, pick her up and take her with us. My DH told her no, it wasn't realistic since the wake was so far away and the restaurant we were going to was close to the funeral home. What does she do? She stamps her foot at us. I said, are you 7 or 87 years old? So, she didn't talk to me for a few days. GOOD, peace and quite for a few hours.
Regret is regret. Can't go backwards, we have to move forward and make the best of the situations now.
That was hubby that told her no, it was a ludicrous thought anyway. Cripes our drive to the funeral home was 50 minutes away in town Boston and we're supposed to leave the funeral home, drive another 50 minutes to get her, another 50 minutes back to the restaurant? Which one of the friends that we had dinner with was supposed to wait almost two hours at the restaurant for us to get back to order food??
The kicker comment from her was; Oh well, don't worry about me, I'll just make myself a bread and cheese sandwhich for dinner as she's (sighing...) storming off to her room. Aggghhhhhhh!
You're right, it's so laughable !!!!!!!!!
Oh, Diane, I so understand your feelings of resentment being asked the same questions, over, and over, and over........
A couple of weeks ago, my husband was talking about his upcoming one day road trip with his buddy. His Mom said "What? You're going out of town Saturday?" When he said yes, she frowned and said "Phooey!" That's the first time she's been so blatant about her disapproval of something like that. But it seems to be happening more often.
I do feel bad for her, because it exhausts her to get out and she can't do it often anymore.
Two sides to every situation, I suppose.
Drag her out with you and park her in the lobby with a list of the activities available. She will eventually get involved with someone for herself.
I did this with mine. It is amazing how people will stop and talk with total strangers sitting all alone.
If nothing else, being separated for some time will give each of you a break.
A few here have suggested that- thanks again!