it sure does sound like she would be better off living with someone, and it would lessen her panic.

I hear you.

would it help if you put her on a schedule and YOU called her at appointed times?
after my step dad died, I had two times a day I called my mom...till she didn't need it as much (she is not declining)...

Also, we got my mom one of those "I've fallen and I can't get up" kind of alarms.

She has a boyfriend? Oh my! Maybe let him have her for a while? heh heh!

But she would probably fine something wrong with that too.

maybe granny dump her over there for a while and or quit taking her calls for a while.

Diane,

One statement stands out. You said your mom let you off the hook. Please do not let her put you on the hook. Be firm with her and let her know that she is out of bounds with her demands; especially when she has remedies at her disposal and does not want to do them.

As you have found, the more you resist her unreasonable requests (demands?) the more she calls upon your brother. This in turn will put more pressure on him to join you in a united front.

Continuing hugs!

We did the same as blueviolet for my mom. Lots of phone calls during the day which helped with her anxiety. And she made a lot back to us, and also a niece. Mom lived in her own apt but also lived with us (with her crazy cat from hell, haha), when she chose.

Mom did have a solution:: that we get her a roommate where we live. She was in her 80's by this time and I never told her that it was unrealistic. Sometimes you just have to go with it all, the same way they did when we were growing up. :)

You're doing great with it all, not many would do as much so as they say: a clear conscience is a soft pillow to sleep on... and you'll have just that.

Her boyfriend wants her to live with him. She refuses!! I found her a place just down the road from me (my husband told me I was insane because we would kill each other) and she refused that too. She has meals coming in, and someone to clean and sit with her while she showers. My brother takes her to church. I take her to the doctors when my schedule permits. We do her grocery shopping and banking. Her meds are delivered. Yet she continuously complains how hard things are for her!!!! WTH? What is hard? What is she actually doing for herself?

I just found out she calls my brother 4-6 times a day. He has more patience in his little finger than I have in my while body!

I get that she does not feel well. I don't question that. But omg...do something about it!!!!! I hear the same complaints day in and day out. I have told her 100 times that perhaps it is time to change doctors. My reasoning is that if she is complaining about the same issues maybe a different doctor would tacke it differently. She will not entertain the notion. I have also told her that asking me what to do is the wrong course of action because i am not a doctor. And i told her that i could do without the drama that she brings to every situation.

I get that she is lonely. I would be too if I was home alone 24/7. But she made that choice. She spends very little time with the boyfriend. Refuses invitations to come to my house for an afternoon. Has a mirad of excuses for not participting in senior activities. Suggest a hobby? She will find 101 reasons for why she cannot/will not do it.


I cannot ignore her calls. She leaves messages full of drama that make me think she is in a huge crisis. She is like the boy who cried wolf. But in the back of my head I fear that the call i ignore will be the call where she really needs help.

The ER staff knows her and although they are very tactful, they are tired of her as she is viewed as a big hypochondriac who blows everything out of proportion.

She lies to get her way. She told the woman who delivers Meals that she had no one and had this woman going above and beyond for her. My brother walked in one day and the woman was in a panic as to who he was because he let himself in and she was flabbergasted to find out my mon had two living children because mom told her she had no one.

She told my brother's minister she was under the care of hospice and the minister, of course, was led to believe that my mom was at death's door. She is NOT under hospice care. SHe has a friend who works for hospice who calls to see how she is doing every now and then.

We had her evaluated to see if she was safe by herself or if her mental capacities have started to deminish. And of course we all start to deminish as we age, but we were told that she does indeed use manipulation to get what she wants, she is depressed (she will not talk to anyone or take meds), that she is indeed a hypochondriac, and that she presents herself as a martyer. But it was determined that she knows exactly what she is doing.

I stopped biting my tongue whenever i speak to her and last night tried the truth. When she used her guilt tactics such as "I am sorry I'm such a burden" I told her she was not but that we continuously vist the same complaints over and over and it was causing me undo stress because of her unwillingness to do anything about them. I told her that her health complaints need to be directed to her doctor, not to me. And I told her if she always wants someone sleeping over that she really needs to consider assisted living.

But I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I do not WANT to sleep over and I have myself convinced that if I was a good daughter I would just shut up and do it. (Of course, a good parent would not put their child in that position in the first place) My brother feels the guilt as well. But as he pointed out...we have spouses and houses and pets to care for and jobs to go to.


i do like the idea of having set times to call her and thus hopefully alleviating some of her panic. I readily admit i put off calling her a lot because i always end up too stressed out after every phone call. But it is worth a try. I have been mulling over the medical alert thing. My concern is that the emergency responders would of course need a key to get in. My brother lives closer than I do but he has 2 jobs so that is out. A lock box outside with a key is too easy to break into...there have been one too many home invasions in her neck of the woods (another reason I want her out of there). And there is no one left in the neighborhood that we grew up with that can be trusted with a key. i live in a different town.

Guys I am SO sorry to be going on like this, but I am emotionally exhausted and exhibiting physical symptoms from the stress. But please keep the suggestions coming. I have tried almost everything, but who knows.

One way people manipulate others is to limit the way you can see a situation to 2 ways. One where the manipulator is a terrible person who makes unreasonable demands, and the other way is that the manipulated person is just not trying hard enough to help the situation.

So perhaps you can tell your mom: There are more than 2 ways to see the situation mom. There is a third option here where you need to think more about the needs of me and my brother and be accommodating to our needs. But if you wish to see it as only two choices then yes mother, you are a huge burden.

The wording is very important, especially that last bit.

The reality I see is that your mother is clinging to a lifestyle that has worked for her for a very long time, and she does not want to be the one to make accommodations. That is what she sees you guys for. You can bounce that back on her and tell her that "Mom, there are 4 of us here, me my husband and our kids (modify to fit the actual child count). I am needed to be here for them, so if you really want me to be around for you then you need to move closer to me."

Not sure if either of these will work for you.

I am so sorry your mom is a manipulator. I can see how frustrating it is for you.

Continuing hugs.

You just have to STOP LETTING HER REFUSE EVERYTHING!!

Make a choice and TELL HER what it is going to be.

It is the only way out. MAN I just love how many "reasons" ppl cant do anything.

I cant help you if you wont even try. I know. You have already tried everything, Right? I don't believe that.

You need to make something STICK.

There IS NO TRY! Only DOING.

Ok. I do not mean to sound harsh or mean but unless you are willing to put your foot down and MAKE her do something nothing will change and it will be the end of you.

Just call me Dr Phil.

As I have been told by many, always remember the word " Boundaries".. Hugs honey GB

I am going to choose my words wisely here, and then most likely not ever vent again. How do I MAKE anybody do anything?!!!! As a matter of fact....my therapist just spent 3 years trying to convince me that it is NOT my fault my brother passed away because I could not MAKE him quit drinking and I could not MAKE him see a doctor. And the therapist reminds me that I can only try...I cannot make....anyone do anything.


I am very upset right now

Jut like with raising a kid or training an animal. You take small steps. You make rules and consequences and stick to the plan Start small with ONE tiny decision! Yes mom. We are going to do so and so. Lets go. If you keep saying no I am leaving and not coming bck. Stuff like that! It really does work but you have to be persistient!

So, so true. My mother is a manipulator and liar. She's also 97. I've been putting up with it forever because she was old. So much drama and negative attention seeking behavior (She's always very sick!).

I've finally started to put my foot down, stand firm and tell her how it is.

Easier said than done. She's feisty. I have to be strong. And I usually feel terrible about it later. I hate to hurt her.

Best advice, you can't change another's behavior, you can only change the way you react to it.

Good Luck. Be strong!