Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
No one at home understands... Freaking angry and crying mess now. I am an emotional zombie. Cant sleep and this morning was the breaking point.
Had it with my son 12 yrs old, he just done chores half way. I needed a utensil, he hid them with the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, b/c too lazy to put away in drawer. He refused to come see what Im talking about, just telling me to shut the f' up. He's already angry cuz I took his Steph Curry's sneakers away b/c same ol same ol problems. Got into a physical match, he's same size and weight as me. {honestly cant really control him anymore, if they choose not to do, taking stuff away does very little, can't move them to their rooms anymore. :( }. He chose to go to school late missing the test prep session, left his lunch, left front door open. I just did the laundry and said nothing, figuring if I say go, he'll stay and I can't pick him up and put him out the house. At least he left. Crying now.
All last week, been dealing with my mom. She's slowing losing her mental abilities, it is the START, but probably still not enough to get guardianship over her and deemed incompetent. She is confused about bills, and things. But she is able to wash herself, heat up food in microwave, go to the store across the blvd, bank. Do laundry, clean her apartment. She sound enough to tell me to go to the another bank and transfer the money to her bank. Then tell me she wants to give all 3 of her us,some money now. I got mine, my sibs not around to receive. {I'm not telling them either.} I think she is starting to forget,b/c I found smoke detector on table 2x now. When asked she says it is too sensitive to smoke when she cooks. She likes to keep all the windows closed. {Of course, Im not there,just an educated guess.}
Plus on Easter, she says to the kids, "oh I'll buy you things, U need sneakers, what U need" We go and at payout she says to me, "U pay, I have no money," I said to her, " U have ur card and we are here b/c U told them, U will buy them sneakers". It caught me off guard cuz she always buys them stuff but I refused to budge. I told her "This is it, ma. U never have to buy them stuff anymore." . LESSON LEARNED, I'll never take her up on her offer again.
So now since then it just consumes my mind thinking all these things...
"I have to check she doesn't cause a fire, got to check in on her in the evening, makes sure the smoke detector is on, she has all her cooking done. Got to check her bills, check her bank accounts, make sure she has food,...." I can't sleep and miserable.
I want to walk away from her, but I remember Pepperman's response to one of my post , made ME think that, " I want to be at peace with myself about mom when she passes, I DON'T want any regrets. I did the best that I could." BUT IT IS SO HARD on me emotionally, I'm just numb, I am always yelling, every little thing my kids do is terrible, I want to be alone. Away from everyone. Everything that is supposed to be fun is a chore, an unhappy event, takes all my energy to do it and I find no joy in it.
I resent my 2 siblings not doing SH*T, too busy, NO TIME. They're both single, one lives in the same complex!! BUT they say they make time when we need a DPOA. None for Dr. visits. LOL Just want the money, and my DH wants me to be nice to my one of them (the only sane one of the 2.) so he can be nice to our kids. HE hasn't been in their lives since they were born, visited less than 10X in 13 yrs?! {I want to yell and scream at them, and have them,TELL ME to my face, that they don't want any part of taking care of mom, just the money left when she dies}
Then I will do it by myself and get the right people to help us. Instead of them texting promises to me and do nothing. {I know their actions are telling me, they don't want to be any part of mom's care}
I'm the STUPID one, thinking if I reach out, if I am kinder, if I am telling them all the info,HOPING they 'll help. Keep HOPING they'll change.
{In reality, all this will do nothing, I have no power over them, I JUST HAVE to ACCEPT it. And do it all on my own} This is what makes me too sad.
Then my kids, they are old enough to know and do their chores.--preteens. Everyone here benefited from my mom's past generousity and I am doing both her stuff and ours. I explained to them but it is all the little things they don't do-- dirty clothes on floor, socks, dirty dishes on table, messy beds, peeing on the toilet seat. They are all 90+ average honor students but I can't keep up with their mess, my mess, DH mess. cooking cleaning. laundry, and mom's stuff.
They say "do nt scream at us,b/c u had a miserable childhood! Ur trying to make ours miserable too." More hopelessness for me
Mom already had a living will, healthcare proxy, will done yrs ago. Last year I got a POA for only her checking and savings. Not her financial--life, investments or long term insurance, health insurance. So I can say "F*** off to my sibling and not go to lawyer for new DPOA. and let the chips fall where they may.
{YEAH, WISHFUL thinking}
MY PLAN:
Next week, my mom's appt with her Dr.,so I will tell him , ask what our options are. Then get referral to Neurologist, and explain and discuss her issues and see if maybe there are new meds for her confusion. Then I will go to social services to see what are the next steps and ask if there is home aide that speak mom's native language.
This week there is a free seminar about elder law given by an elder law firm, so will drop by. Going to visit mom 3x wk, and clean out her paperwork and get her affairs in order, try to find her medicare car. DH say in the evenings, after he comes back from work he'll drive me and one of the kids to visit mom, for 20 minutes to check everything is ok, and smoke alarm is up and battery in.
{ I need to find a therapist for myself to help me cope. And clean and paint my home.}
Thank you for listening to my long self-pitying rant, I have no one else.
Had it with my son 12 yrs old, he just done chores half way. I needed a utensil, he hid them with the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, b/c too lazy to put away in drawer. He refused to come see what Im talking about, just telling me to shut the f' up. He's already angry cuz I took his Steph Curry's sneakers away b/c same ol same ol problems. Got into a physical match, he's same size and weight as me. {honestly cant really control him anymore, if they choose not to do, taking stuff away does very little, can't move them to their rooms anymore. :( }. He chose to go to school late missing the test prep session, left his lunch, left front door open. I just did the laundry and said nothing, figuring if I say go, he'll stay and I can't pick him up and put him out the house. At least he left. Crying now.
All last week, been dealing with my mom. She's slowing losing her mental abilities, it is the START, but probably still not enough to get guardianship over her and deemed incompetent. She is confused about bills, and things. But she is able to wash herself, heat up food in microwave, go to the store across the blvd, bank. Do laundry, clean her apartment. She sound enough to tell me to go to the another bank and transfer the money to her bank. Then tell me she wants to give all 3 of her us,some money now. I got mine, my sibs not around to receive. {I'm not telling them either.} I think she is starting to forget,b/c I found smoke detector on table 2x now. When asked she says it is too sensitive to smoke when she cooks. She likes to keep all the windows closed. {Of course, Im not there,just an educated guess.}
Plus on Easter, she says to the kids, "oh I'll buy you things, U need sneakers, what U need" We go and at payout she says to me, "U pay, I have no money," I said to her, " U have ur card and we are here b/c U told them, U will buy them sneakers". It caught me off guard cuz she always buys them stuff but I refused to budge. I told her "This is it, ma. U never have to buy them stuff anymore." . LESSON LEARNED, I'll never take her up on her offer again.
So now since then it just consumes my mind thinking all these things...
"I have to check she doesn't cause a fire, got to check in on her in the evening, makes sure the smoke detector is on, she has all her cooking done. Got to check her bills, check her bank accounts, make sure she has food,...." I can't sleep and miserable.
I want to walk away from her, but I remember Pepperman's response to one of my post , made ME think that, " I want to be at peace with myself about mom when she passes, I DON'T want any regrets. I did the best that I could." BUT IT IS SO HARD on me emotionally, I'm just numb, I am always yelling, every little thing my kids do is terrible, I want to be alone. Away from everyone. Everything that is supposed to be fun is a chore, an unhappy event, takes all my energy to do it and I find no joy in it.
I resent my 2 siblings not doing SH*T, too busy, NO TIME. They're both single, one lives in the same complex!! BUT they say they make time when we need a DPOA. None for Dr. visits. LOL Just want the money, and my DH wants me to be nice to my one of them (the only sane one of the 2.) so he can be nice to our kids. HE hasn't been in their lives since they were born, visited less than 10X in 13 yrs?! {I want to yell and scream at them, and have them,TELL ME to my face, that they don't want any part of taking care of mom, just the money left when she dies}
Then I will do it by myself and get the right people to help us. Instead of them texting promises to me and do nothing. {I know their actions are telling me, they don't want to be any part of mom's care}
I'm the STUPID one, thinking if I reach out, if I am kinder, if I am telling them all the info,HOPING they 'll help. Keep HOPING they'll change.
{In reality, all this will do nothing, I have no power over them, I JUST HAVE to ACCEPT it. And do it all on my own} This is what makes me too sad.
Then my kids, they are old enough to know and do their chores.--preteens. Everyone here benefited from my mom's past generousity and I am doing both her stuff and ours. I explained to them but it is all the little things they don't do-- dirty clothes on floor, socks, dirty dishes on table, messy beds, peeing on the toilet seat. They are all 90+ average honor students but I can't keep up with their mess, my mess, DH mess. cooking cleaning. laundry, and mom's stuff.
They say "do nt scream at us,b/c u had a miserable childhood! Ur trying to make ours miserable too." More hopelessness for me
Mom already had a living will, healthcare proxy, will done yrs ago. Last year I got a POA for only her checking and savings. Not her financial--life, investments or long term insurance, health insurance. So I can say "F*** off to my sibling and not go to lawyer for new DPOA. and let the chips fall where they may.
{YEAH, WISHFUL thinking}
MY PLAN:
Next week, my mom's appt with her Dr.,so I will tell him , ask what our options are. Then get referral to Neurologist, and explain and discuss her issues and see if maybe there are new meds for her confusion. Then I will go to social services to see what are the next steps and ask if there is home aide that speak mom's native language.
This week there is a free seminar about elder law given by an elder law firm, so will drop by. Going to visit mom 3x wk, and clean out her paperwork and get her affairs in order, try to find her medicare car. DH say in the evenings, after he comes back from work he'll drive me and one of the kids to visit mom, for 20 minutes to check everything is ok, and smoke alarm is up and battery in.
{ I need to find a therapist for myself to help me cope. And clean and paint my home.}
Thank you for listening to my long self-pitying rant, I have no one else.
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I invited Bill to have dinner with me last Sunday. He wasn't willing to drive 7 hours to mid Michigan and teased me with his beautiful ribs!!! So, of course I ate alone and had cedar salmon
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check out that smoke ring. It tasted really good. I smothered it with Maulls BBQ sauce which is Local to St. Louis and one of the best I ever had.....
I agree, getting therapy would be very good. You need to some help crafting a plan that will help you cope.
Big Hugs
I also have teens at home that don't do much. It's really hard to deal with them as well as my dad, who moved in with us about 9 months ago. It all just piles up and wears me down, and I'm in a similar situation to yours -- no help from siblings (in my case, he's alienated the others). I do encourage you to stop hoping for more than what you're getting from your siblings; they are telling you pretty clearly through their actions that they are not willing to do more for your mom.
I'm really glad you came here and vented -- sometimes that's all we can do for ourselves, and it really has helped me to be able to read the rants of others and realize that I am not the only one in this position, not the only one feeling so out-of-control of my life.
Hugs to you....
Your mother's will is what it is so I would not get involved in undermining your siblings inheritance. I'm not sure if that's what you meant to do but your posts suggests it.
It's not easy balancing kids, a home, work and elderly parents. It's overwhelming. As for the siblings and their lack of help, it's pretty much a common issue that most caregivers have to deal with; although there are many lucky caregivers out here that have the help from their siblings; I'm not one of those lucky ones.
I know the last time my siblings visited; they informed me that they knew "everything" about our mother. SO, I asked them what were her medications? blank faces: Okay, what conditions does she have? blank faces: Consequently that conversation was dropped. Yup, talk to the siblings about sports and crafts and they have opinions; ask them about their mother's daily care; blank!
They drive me nuts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, I can sympathize with you!