I'm sorry peaceful. I know from personal experience how painful this is.

This is the way I have it figured. When elderly people realize they are losing their independance, it scares them. They will kick and fight and do whatever is necessary to convince themselves and others that they are still in control. When you realize they are just frightened, it is easy to forgive.

I sacrificed my health, my family, my life to take care of my mom. Because I loved her and I wanted to protect her. She went around to the neighbors and told them I was abusing her and holding her prisoner. A large group of them (some of them my lifelong friends), formed a possee to confront me and threaten me. The minute they started, Mama jumped up to protect her 'baby', and called a halt to it all. In the end we all agreed -- If anyone wants to be part of the solution, we welcome your help. If you intend to be part of the problem, go away and don't come back.

Believe me, you will be close to your mom again. She is going through a 'coming of age stage'. It won't be easy, but it will be worth every minute of your effort in the end.

Hugs to you. I am praying for peace and comfort for you and your mom. MK.

magic kingdom i couldn't have put it any better than what you just stated here..................god bless you.....................

Thanks for your thoughts and sharing what you have been through, MK. It was almost as though it were my life with a few changes here and there to the story line.
I do understand about the changes and control part. The dissolve from living independently to needed assistance. Still., there is this knee jerk reaction of mine wondering how I can protect myself from these statements of abuse.
I would have flipped out if all the neighbors formed a posse to confront you. It is good your MOm stepped in to protect. My Mom feeds me to the lions and gets a kick out of it. I think it is that part of dementia that I am worried about.
On one hand I think that since I have done nothing, there is nothing to be concerned with. Then I wonder if someone is this unwell, are there things to do to minimize the risk to all?

Peaceful, after reading your last response, I realize I didn't really answer your question. Everyone's situation is different and I usually handled things flying by the seat of my pants.

I didn't come up with an answer after pondering your situation. However, I did find this article from Associated Content.

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2546379/elder_abuse_and_the_falsely_accused.html?cat=49

Not sure how much help it will be, but knowledge is power. Good luck. MK.

My dad accused me of trying to force him to sign a will. Nevermind, he spent almost three years begging me to do it, and getting angry because I wouldn't. Nevermind the fact that he has no money and the house is underwater. Nevermind the fact that I don't want the house. He actually called his relatives and my aunt(on mom's side) and told her that I'd been trying to force him to sign it. He even told me the same thing but I figured I hadn't heard correctly.

Peaceful, I can't tell you what to do. I can tell you that elder abuse is a serious crime that can get you jail time. The only advice I can give is the one given to me: record your arguments with her in case you need proof that she's behaving irrationally. I read this in a very good book called, "Elder Rage, Or Take My Father Please".


Here's a link to the book: http://www.amazon.com/Elder-Rage-Take-Father-Please/dp/0967970318/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1309980264&sr=1-1

Also, make sure you tell people what's going on. Don't hide in secrecy. Sharing my experiences with my coworkers may have saved my job. My father actually called my boss and told her I wasn't helping him. What he said spread like wild fire at work, but nobody believed it because I'd been telling them what was going on. I still love my father, but I'm forced to protect myself. False accusations can end up ruining your life.

Peaceful: my 72 year old mother with very serious digestive disorders, barrett's esophagus, alcoholic, narcissistic, and mild copd accuses me of things I did not say. If I tell her that she doesn't realize how angry and snappy she is getting - she starts rolling her eyes and saying I am accusing her of having alzheimer's. She says anything to lower my credibility. She has always demanded respect from us three kids as she got drunk and when she was sober in ways that was basic underhanded emotional abuse. So yes I do believe in have reports that her calcium levels, vitamin d levels and b vitamin levels as well as iron are insufficient. I do have reports of dehydration from the hospital. I have reports of low oxygen levels due to her copd. I'm certain all of these are due to both her digestive issues as well as her drinking and the oxygen levels from her copd. ALL of these thing contribute to her anger and depression. These are things she takes out on others, displacing the actual problem which lies within her. I do believe she has some dementia due to all the above factors. Yet I also know that she can still live independently with dad. Mom knows she has problems and she's fearful of me the one child of all her three kids that is there for her. The one adult child that knows all of her issues first hand. That is why she is fearful of me. She is haughty and now has even reduced herself to lying about petty stuff to make herself look good and others bad.

MagicKingdom said it best. She is frightened. These are tactics come from her fear as she ages. You do have to protect yourself though as well. Maybe for a while have someone with you when in her presence always or flat out tell her that you can not be there for her if she is going to jeopardize your well being by lying about such things. Tell her that you can no longer be there and that she needs to find her own answers.

They must at some point realize that we are there for them and with them, but until they realize that - we must protect ourselves as well. My father living there with Mom has become my checks and balances in all of this. If he weren't there for her, I would have to be over there a lot more often.

The whole process of watching our parents age is painful enough. Now add that we have now become their caregivers on different levels after years of our leaning on them. That is also very very painful. We have to make our transitions to understand this as much as they have to make their transitions to understanding they are aging. One day, we will all be in the same shoes they are in. So take care of yourself, but don't allow your emotions to make all your decisions.

I'm sorry you are going through this. None of it is easy. I've had to do this alone with no help from brothers and their wives. I'm alone with this. I have my husband, but health decisions are on my shoulders. So essentially I'm alone with some help from dad. There will come a day that I won't have both parents and it will be harder.

My oldest brother believes in himself so much yet does not respect or love our parents - he has abandoned them. One day he will come back into the picture and he will be just like his mother - the most haughty judgmental person there is. Then I will be glad to offer him the responsibilities.

Hang in there and keep coming back to these boards where there are wonderful people who have good suggestions and or validations of what you are going through. This place is a great support system.

Peaceful I totally relate. You've gotten some excellent advice here. Without this group I couldn't go on somedays. I'm disabled myself taking care of my verbally abusive dad by myself. It's hard I'm looking forward to the day I can have my life back. Every comment on this post relates to me in some way or another.

Please keep posting, venting and sharing and we'll all get through this together.

God bless you

Hi, all of you are amazing. I have known this (that DS is a wonderful resource) but right now it is really kind and generous to read what you share. Thank you so much from my heart. I feel so less alone now.
Also, I decided to make an appointment with a social worker. I have worked with her before after a car accident that wobbled my memory for a few months.
For now, Mom has gone onto being upset with my sister. For the first time ever, I stopped wondering what the details were. I am just too tired to deal with my own stuff with Mom least anyone else.
Another point of relief I have gathered is in the garden. Daylillies and Black eyed Susan are blooming. And many others.
PS. It is so hot Mom cant stay outside. Tends to nap in the day. I have been outside more this year than ever before (smile)

yes i have found gardening to be a great release when the tasks get more stressful i pick a major project that would required a lot of labor that way when i go to sleep at night i can sleep better plus it gives me something to look forward to and that helps a lot it gives me hope.

If your mom is like mine she acts perfectly normal toward me when others are around and only "goes off" when we are alone,so it's hard for anyone else to believe how abusive she can be toward me. Maybe a tape recorder? Or perhaps have a trusted friend hide and watch?

Yes you DO need to protect yourself from false accusations. Good luck!

I loved my dad ........
till he showed up at my house for a visit that never ended. After a couple weeks he INFORMED me that he sold everything and would be living with me from now on. What the heck?
He gets up at 11am and goes to bed at 4pm. Yet, one day he told my husband that I was "out all night" because I left the house at 9am and returned at 10pm.

He brings in foods that make me sick (I have Celiac). He can't hear so I have to yell till my throat hurts to talk to him. He ordered something and got my address on some porn mailing list. But when we talk to him he sobs hysterically and says, "I didn't do nothing."

He likes a fresh cooked three course meal each day. Mom did it until she was in coma. I dont do that sort of thing. He tried to show me up by doing it for me till I got the hang of it. Yeah right!
There is nothing wrong with him. When mom died, he sold everything and showed up at my home saying, "I don't want to be alone anymore." Funny, he did not keep my childhood home just in case I wanted to be taken care of by someone else.
He tells everyone at church that I don't take care of him. I had to find a new church.

Anyway, I understand. What the heck makes parents think we have to take care of them to their standards? Children are supposed to grow up, move out and makes lives of their own.

Start a diary where you write down everything that happens no matter how trivial. If you can, get a couple lipstick cameras and a digital recorder and start recording what goes on. You might need it if she needs to go into a home.

I took in my father whom I have adored all my life. One of my sisters who is 10 years older had financial and health problems, so I let her move in as well. She became more and more envious over time because I was happy and doing well with my professional job and had lots of friends. She spent the 3 years that she was living with me bad mouthing me to my other siblings and she convinced them that I had abused my dad. Huge lie!!! There was stress between my dad and I because our roles were reversing, I was becoming the parent, and he was becoming the child. I had to tell him to tell him to shower more often, and that he had to let me know if he spilled urine on the floor etc. I also tried to protect him from one of my drug addict sisters who had stolen 40 thousand dollars from him before he lived with me. I had one rule he had to agree to before he moved in, and that was that my druggie sister was not to be in my house. My sister and he let her in when I was gone, and she robbed him again. My oldest sister came and took him from my home and set him up in an apartment that he could not afford. Also he was totally vulnerable to the druggie sisters behavior. (he can't say no to her.) I was shocked to find that all my siblings believed the lies that my sister told them. Later I came to find out that my dad was also confirming them. I was totally heartbroken by this, and won't have anything to do with any of them any more. Family meant everything to me. I was the one who kept the photos, I recorded the family info and stories for posterity. Now, I have no family all at once, and my grief is still strong after 2 years. I try to move forward, but I have setbacks. My father has tried to reach out to me, but I feel too betrayed, and I don't want to become the family scape goat like I have over and over. I am so heartbroken.

This subject has been an eye opener. I have learned a lot. Thank you.

To update my situation. Mom now has a new recliner and is resting better,
No more yanking my chain at the moment.

She is still mad at my sister. It is obvious that she is going to be mad at someone most of the time.
The social worker referred me to a program at our hosp. SHe and a nurse I know suspect early Alzheimer's. .

Guess we will see as it happens.

I am so happy to hear things are going better for you.