Your mom has been living with you for 9 years, so I expect you have resolved a lot of the day to day things, so I'm not sure what you are asking about. But here goes:

Getting power of attorney is critical, that way you can speak for her should the situation arise where she can not.

Having a living will that states her wishes in writing can be very helpful in the event that you have "end of life" decisions to make and there are other living relatives who will contest what your mom/you decide.

Go on her doctor appointments so that you can start to track what is going on, and can notice when things start to change and intervention is needed.

Don't forget to set time for you and your husband. WHen our kids are young it is easy to get caught up in things and devote your life to your children. But now things should really center on you and your husband.

Never forget to make time for "You and ... " As in you and your husband, you and your child (one at a time), you and your dog (Or cat, or horse, or ...), you and your hobbies, and most of important, you and you!

Consider some place for respice if you need it, a temporary nursing home where she can come back home, but you and yours can get a time out.

Thanks for the feedback. I have the wills and trusts in place, just kind of scary. I try to take care of myself, but not always good at that.

Note: tongue in cheek humor alert!

WHAT? You are not always 100% good at taking care of yourself? Of course all of us here are PERFECT at that!!!

Yea, right! The reality is that one of the biggest problems that we all face is forgetting ourselves and our spouse as we race to do what we think is expected of us for our parent. Even the most self aware person falls into that trap, and more than just occasionally!

I like having friends here who will point things like that out to me when they have even a hint that I'm falling into one of the many pitfalls of taking care of our parents.

So do what we all do, realize that life is never fair, nor is it perfect. We do the best we can, pause, reassess things, and then plot a new course.

Continuing hugs

My best advice is to tour the nursing homes that accept medicaid near you as soon as possible. Yes, its unpleasant but better to do it while you have time to think than to have to do it in an exhausted rush when you are told that your Mom needs nursing home care. Some possibly good news is that if your Mom is hospitalized for the required length of time before being discharged to a nursing home, then Medicare will pay for a certain length of time before medicaid would have to pick up the cost. So the trick is to get into the best medicaid-accepting nursing home while you have Medicare coverage (more $) to "offer" the nursing home. I learned all of this the hard way,and my Mom is now in the second nursing home she never had the chance to look at before committing to it,because she was hospitalized. Its great you are thinking ahead.

Wow! Nine years is hardly the beginning! But I guess what you meant is that you are beginning to see how difficult things could become in the future.

Don't feel bad about having to place your Mom one day. It's a waste of time and energy.

Do start investigating. The sooner you get started instead of just worrying about the better for everyone.

And don't promise Mom never to place her.

Promise her you will do everything possible to keep her safe and comfortable because that is the only promise that anyone can keep.

Thanks so much, everyone. I am lucky that the 9 years she has lived here she has been in pretty good health, and she is all together mentally.

I guess her having the flu last week opened my eyes to what my life might be like if she was not ill enough to be put into a home but ill enough that I would have to take care of her. I am going to start looking at some medicaid homes near my house so I have a plan. It is sad that my dad and mom didn't plan ahead and save enough money and have good insurance.

I think that all the high schools should have a program that teaches the kids about savings and investments and the future. There are a lot of people that are not going to have enough money in retirement and for elder healthcare. Not all kids will take care of their parents and help out. I worry about that with my own kids.

The Golden years aren't so golden if you have bad health and little money!!

An add-on comment to what LMNStill said so well: In addition to starting to tour potential facilities, also get your mother on a waiting list. Depending on where you live, it can take as much as two years for there to be room for her, especially the better facilities.

Thanks for the compliment, sand harbor I am greatful to this group where at least we get to share all these things we wish we didn't have to learn! More smiles,please don't waste any mental energy wishing the money situation were different...the vast majority of people in nursing homes are using their Medicaid benefits. The few who aren't, will be within a few months. Insurance coverage for long term care is prohibatviely expensive, and now that more people are actually using it, fewer insurance companies are selling it. So, as my wise brother says, the care facilities and entire system just want to be sure you go into the ground with no money. I try to bear in mind that it is better that my mother enjoyed what money she had while she could. And heaven knows we all pay for Medicaid. Use it.

In your OP you said your Mom had good health insurance. Where from?

Good that you are looking ahead because a case of the flu is like a mosquito bite compared to dementia and all of the other stuff that could happen in the future. And 85 is not that old

She could make it to 105!

My Mom is 95 and still going strong

Trojan, my Mom has BlueCross/BlueShield, and of course medicare. I made her get a good policy when she moved in with us because I knew that there was no way we would or should pay her medical expenses. All she gets is a monthly SS payment of 1200.00. She has two 5,000 life insurance policies which will go to her funeral, and she pays a very nominal payment for her meds because of the blue cross.

But if she gets so bad she needs a home, it has to be a medicaid home. There is no money. The more expensive homes are thousands of dollars a month.

I went online yesterday but can't find many medicaid homes near me. After the tax season I will have to get on this.

Thanks, everyone, for all the kind feedback.

Medicaid beds can be VERY hard to find! Sounds like you still have time, but you might want to look at getting on some waiting lists.

Can take years!

Also look into "Medicaid waiver" and Medicaid at home programs. My understanding is that these programs allow folks eligible for medicaid to spend those benefit dollars on getting care at home,or in assisted living facilities. Its all extremely confusing. Your local "Area Agency on Aging"is probably a good source of information.