I am new to this group. I have not really started to experience the true nature of a dependent elderly parent. My Mom is 79 years old. I am an only child. My Dad passed when I was just shy of 5 years old and Mom never remarried. The relationship has been wrought with difficulties since about the age of 3. LOL My Mom is a very angry, resentful, jealous woman. Everything that is wrong with her life (which is everything) is the result of my Dad's death and the demand that she raise me by herself. I have sought counseling in the past. Recently, things have started to go from bad to worse with her mental status. Her health is okay but she does have some things which are of concern (ie: she has a stomach aneurysym) (sp) they are watching, high BP, and moderate kidney disease. She yells and screams at me and anyone else that she encounters. Nobody wants to be around her. We avoid her like the plague. I feel very guilty until I muster up the courage to expose myself to it out of guilt and then I retreat again. I feel like running away. I have felt like that since I was 3 years old. I am 53. That's 50 years of packing my bag and looking to go. I know things will only continue to worsen. I feel anxious all the time and in fear of what's to come. Thanks for listening.

My MIL lives with us. I work at home, my wife is a nurse working in a hosptial. So I get a lot of the day to day stuff. Mostly it is OK, but she is the passive aggressive queen, and that can be a drag.

But there are things that I have done that work, things that others here have done that work, and they can work for all of us. To a degree!

First of all, the only person we can really change is ourself. So we can give ourselves permission to be angry, and we can give ourselves permission to NOT be responsible for the happiness of our adult charges.

Please think about those last two items for a while. They can be a key for moving forward, they were for me!

Set limits for the ones you are caring for. (Mostly it seems to be our moms and MILs!) If we let them know we will NOT tolerate being disrespected, and that there will be a consequence for it, AND IF WE IMPOSE THAT CONSEQUENCE(S), things can get better. Or less bad, which is often the first step to being in a good place.

For example, getting yelled at is not nice, and the consequence can be that we will remove ourself from the situation for a set period of time. We can't make our mothers sit on a stool in the corner as a time-out punishment, but we can leave the house and take a walk, or go get a coffee or what ever!

So if your mother yells at you for making her life hell (or what ever she says, and how ever she expresses hersef) remind her that you will not tolerate it. And then impose the consequence.

When dealing with dementia it needs to be different. It was hard for me, but I learned to re-direct my parents when they got "dementia-ly" on me; another thing that worked was to listen to them, let them talk and then try to re-orient them to reality. Honestly it was a hard choice and I'll be damned if I can explain when and why I chose one path over the other. It was often a hunch one small things that tipped the balance from one approach to the other.


But by all means, DO NOT LOSE YOURSELF in the process! If you have a hobby, keep it up. If you do not, then find one! Make time for yourself. We are no good for our charges if we are not in a good place ourselves.

gentle hugs

I totally sympathize with you. The derogatory comments that fly out of my 84 year old mother often keep me on the edge of anxiousness. I am sorry you are going through this. I have learned to sort of take the things that come from my mom as not her own words. The mother I knew would never say or think the things that are being said to me. However, there are times when my tongue is completely bitten off and I throw out my own frustration. The anger that comes out , i feel guilty about for some time. Im not sure in your case if your mother does a lot of post self blame. It seems to be common in what I have read here. I find that particularly difficult. It's a constant guilt trip for the care giver. We blame ourselves when we here them defacing themselves as if we are the bad people, or what we are doing is so bad. I really appreciate your honesty and sincerity in what you write. I just found this support group and wanted to say to anyone dealing with this situation. You are all ok, you are all very amazing people. It's a bit of a mental achievement to stand in this situation so you should all be proud. It's not an easy road, but I believe together we can help one another achieve the best living for both ourselves and our loved ones.

I can totally sympathize with you. Your description of your mother sounds like mine. However, my relationship with her has always been bad. I went to counseling after leaving my abusive significant other, but in the sessions, my relationship with my mother came up as well. I got rid of my abusive mate, but had to maintain the relationship with my mother. Now that she is older, (81), she is even worse. Dealing with her takes a lot of energy on my part that I don't feel I have or want to give. She finds fault with everything. The latest is how my daughter treats her. (her granddaughter) My daughter treats the mom just like she deserves. Amber, (daughter) takes no flack or has any guilt of her actions when telling her no or not caving in to her drama. I even feel sorry for the mom when my daughter treats her this way. I am always confused on my emotions. Amber is like that with me as well as far as telling me how she feels and not caring how her actions make me feel. It's frustrating and hard. The guilt I have on my true feelings of my mom is terrible as well. It seems to be a no win situation. If any comfort I can give for your situation it would be that you are not alone. Sometimes it feels that way. I don't know how I'm going to feel after the mom is not around anymore.

And one more thing...I applaud you for living with her. It could never happen for me. I could never live in the same house with my mom.

Patience is the key that can help in this case. You need to have patience about everything that is attached to your mother. Getting angry at this age is normal. The moods of seniors often change because of their growing age. You need to be calm in her case and talk to her politely with a lower voice. The way you treat kids is the same way you need to approach her (in a positive way). You can try to take her out for a walk, arrange a family get-to-gather or try taking her to a favorite restaurant of her choice. It will make her feel good and your bonding will also get stronger.

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For all who have responded.
Your comments have helped me know that I am not the only one with frustrations!
Ilove my mom even though we have differences.
We both have made adjustments to be able to live in the same house.
I do have hobbies to keep myself sane and part of my problem is she has none.
She doesn't like hanging around "old" people so trips to the senior center does her no good.
She does not enjoy being dependant on me

Im so grateful to read all of this as my mother is falling apart. In my mind she's been falling apart my whole life and i feel like ive always had to cater to her needs. Shes super mean, sarcastic, condescending and stubborn beyond belief. Im an only child. My father passed away 14 yrs ago. I feel judgmental of my own disgust with her illness. I am almost glad I dont have children so they wouldnt have to experience this as well. Im so pissed off this is happening. It's like my worst nightmare realized..... I keep reminding myself to get perspective by staying in balance ~ go to the gym or yoga talk to a friend make me time. drink water and eat healthy for the love of god! some of her aliments are from her poor diet which i cannot control either. She declined the hospitals recommendation for rehab facility and expects me to be her companion, nurse and bath washer and stay calm throughout?