Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
I ended up yelling at her two days ago and again today. Same subject. She asked me to get quotes for home insurance. She wants to lower the cost. With brother living at home all the time instead of part time makes it harder. He hears conversation or sees the quotes I mail to mom. I got. Quotes. Some companies said shed in backyard has to be in good condition to insure home. I think it isnt but not sure. I write that on paper I send with each quote. Who shed condition matters to and who doesn't. Mother says brother got all upset about that. When he is upset he makes your life misersble until he calms down. Screaming and yelling. Mom says in a reasonable voice. When you send the quotes this time dont mention the shed. Like she was requesting something normal. In another conversation she told me brother didnt like quotes. He said you cant rent a place for that little money if you have to leave house for a while if fire or damage to house. Wanted much more money for liability. More like what house is insured for now. Wanted as close to what each catagorie is insured for now but at lot lower price. Can't talk to him. Logic does't work on him or mom much even. She tried to talk to him. He just gets agitated and extremely upset. So now she wants me to see how close I can get to what she is insured for now. And send new quotes. And do not write what company will come in house to inspect. That got him worked up. Mom was somewhat upset by end of latest conversation. When i question she is going to decide her insurance by what brother wants. She says she cant take his anger and yelling and upset at her age. She has been letting him run her life for 25 or more years. I was relaxed and calm before first conversation. But got angry awfully fast. How do i distance myself emotionally. And stop the anger?
Barbara
Barbara
and have him do all the calling for quotes, he is going to be deciding things anyway.
Actually, he sounds more than a bully...he sounds like he is emotionally unstable...yelling at an old lady to get his way....
every chore...give it to him.
The first is to consider them like you would a child. This is easy if they are a child or a developmentally disabled adult. Do what is right, explain things to them in simple terms, and only let them make decisions that they are mentally capable of making. Sometimes you have to restructure the options and give them fewer options. 2 options is often the best, and make one obviously less desirable than the other.
The second is to put emotional distance between the two of you. Let them make decisions, but if they make a bad decision make sure they know that you are not there to pick up the pieces. Once again this is very hard to do with an adult family member with a history of making bad decisions.
The third is the perfect method where we describe things in the perfect words that totally illuminates the situation for them and makes good decisions very straightforward for them.
Obviously the third option is something I have no clue how to do. But I do know that with love and time you can make progress on the third path. It takes a willingness on BOTH parts to work things out. You have taken that first step, perhaps several steps, on that road. Your mother sounds like she is at least looking at that road. Your brother, from what you have written, wants nothing to do with that. He makes up his mind about what should be without regard to what is, and then gets angry when other people cant make life work according to his version of reality.
So for this one I say this: give your brother a list of phone numbers and make HIM do all the calls. If necessary take your mother out for a few hours. When he complains about the insurance companies do NOT take it personally, and do not agree to take the task back, and do not try to justify the insurance companies. If he does not like the list of companies you gave him then tell him to use google to get his own list.
You can do this. The first time you stand up to your brother will be the hardest, but as you do it more often it gets easier. Just be matter of fact with him. Explain what you are willing to do, and just as important, what you are not willing to do.
Then leave and let him do the work.
Barbara
Yes, he will get nothing done. I believe that this is a time for tough love with your brother. Make it his job to make the calls. From what you say, and I believe you 100%, he will either not make the calls, or they will not go well. Give him a short statement after this happens. Something like this (better if it is your words):
If you can't make the calls and you want me to make them, then you have to accept the information I find.
Short and to the point. If he argues the point then give him a combination of repeating that statement (or better still, your version of that statement!) and walking away.