Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
I moved my 82 y/o mother in with me (again) she is now at the point of needing physical help doing things; laundry, shopping ect... The apt. that she moved out of is independent living unless you are low income (according to WA state she is not) Now that she has moved in she has seemed to forget how to do everything, take her meds, make something to eat. Is it just me? Is it possible literally that she has forgotten her independence overnight? I am trying to be patient, she comments on everything I do In a negative way. She is demanding of my life. This would not be an issue for me except I just lost my husband to cancer and I have not been able to grieve because all my time is spent on making sure she is eating, taking her meds and not being depressed about having to move out of her own apartment. I think about moving her into an assisted living community but I don't think she will be able to have a good quality of life for the little time she has here on earth and I don't want her to live in a sterile environment. I want her to pass away as my spouse did, right here with the ones she loves and love her. What help is available for her (and myself) to get a break from each other?
I have a friend who has to continue to work full time and her mom is becoming unable to stay alone...she has her mom going to an adult day care. There are activities, supervision and socialization...and they are with you every day so you can be sure they are eating, etc.
Perhaps she is depressed? I know when my mom lost her husband, she suddenly seemed unable to make any good choices...she either didn't make any, or jumped to crazy conclusions. I wondered if it were permanent, but she is much better now...(a year later)...
If that is not possible, could someone come and stay at your house while you go away for a weekend? I did that once when my kids were little...just so I could take a bath without someone knocking on the bathroom door. Never slept so soundly.... saved my sanity.
Your mom sounds very similar to mind along with your situation. It is very frustrating and to a point I can easily scream enough already. I think with my mom, she loves the poor me attention and has a very unhealthy view of what a parent child relationship is. I also have older siblings who claim they love mom but make it very clear that they are not there to help her, just want to live their lives and get credit for caring. Its a bad situation that should not be happening.
Do you have any options for support for your mom and yourself? Can anyone else help step in and help with your mom and give you a break? Do you ever get a break to get away for a few hours? I have several churches I belong to and a hand full of church friends. They do their best to help me and it does help me. Any break you can get is a huge plus. Sounds like you do need a break. We all do regularly. Hoping someone can step in and help with your mom and give you a break. This is important and should try to be apart of your life with your mom. Best to you.
I get the not wanting to take het to a home i agree with you there. You just have to try to take time for yourself when you can.
There is also a widows and widowers group here, I am neither so I don't have experience there. But I do have friends here who are members there and they like the support they get there.
As for your mom, even though she is old she is processing a lot of information and adapting to changes. It is quite possible that she is one of those people who sees things as "this or that", as in there are only 2 ways to be. Either be dependent or be independent; no half way stuff for her!
What is working for me (and I need to keep working on it) is to approach the situation with my MIL and father like I did with my kids when they were small. GIVE them tasks to do. DON"T ask! With other things involve them in the decision making process. Sometimes it works best to let them choose between 2 tasks, such as setting the table or making the salad rather than ask if they want to do something.
We used a service called companion care. It is basically a person who comes in and is like a babysitter for your parent. They will help with getting dressed, make meals, some do light housecleaning. Be upfront about what services you want, and respect it when they say they don't do certain things.
Cheers, and welcome to this group. We are in different stages of dealing with our parents. Things that work wonders for me (or others here) may be total fails for you, but things that bombed out for me may be a gem for you! Take what works, and disregard the rest!
Gentle hugs and welcome!
You need to set limits on your mothers behavior.
BTW Gramy, I had 10 out of 10 symptoms of stress!
My mother (97) is still using the helpless routine! They're tougher than they act. Now I say I'm leaving when she pulls it.
Stay strong. Hugs and Smiles!
I personally don't think she had a decline in mental faculties when she moved in with you. The same thing happened to me when my mother moved in with my DH and I. Suddenly all these skills she had prior to moving in disappeared. My mother took on the role of house guest when she moved in with me and it was not fun.
You have to do a bit of pushing back and ask for her help on things; that's what I did and she came around; well, eventually...
You also need to find ways of getting out of the house to have time for yourself and you need to go through the grieving process for the loss of your husband.
Personally, I think your mother is a very lucky woman to have someone like you in her life.
First we tried a privare home and that one was not a good choice. By this time I am on chemo and not in good shape so with help from dr, found a semi assisted facility with about 30 residents 3 miles from my home.
I always intended on moving in with me but now she has adjusted and when I bring her over for the day she can't do anything for herself. Partly the confusion and some just because I am her daughter. It all worked out for the best but when she wants to go home it breaks my heart. I am glad she is comfortable enough to call it home. So hard to know what's best. You will know when it is best for her to be in assisted living.
I hope you find a way to take care of yourself and grieve.......it could be a blessing in disguise to be busy with your Mom. I am a slow griever so keeping busy helps.