Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
I had this discussion with my parents when Dad was dying. His Kidneys failed and you know how that can be. Days, months, or years of dialysis....
but as miserable as he felt, each day was a day closer to death.
So, I asked both of them how they wanted their care in the "what if?"
"What if you lose your mind and wander into the road at 2AM...the neighbor finds you. What should I do?"
Dad: "If I am harmful to myself or somebody put me away somewhere."
Mom: " You put me somewhere and I will break out and kill you. I am not going anywhere. I want to die at home." Dad died a year later.
So today, I asked Mom "what if you develop ALZ and don't know what's going on around you. What do you want me to do."
She first started in with "I am not going to..." I would not back down. She finally said, "put a lock on the door up high and it should be alright."
She then said, "they (People with ALZ) don't mean any harm...the ones taken out of home are always wanting to go back and the ones at home want to get out." So I said, " medicate you to keep you calm?"
"Well yes I suppose." Then she said, "Dont worry about all that. I am going to have a stroke and make your life miserable that way."
Then she recalled an aunt by marriage with ALZ. Her son brought her to live in his home and she never settled. He bought a mobile home, set it up on the property, put some of her things in it, and each day when she was upset and wanted to go, they would go to the mobile to spend time. It soothed her.
That story soothed me...even the part about Mom thinking she will have a stroke, live, and make my life miserable. At least I got the OK to use medication out of all of this BIG SIGH
P
but as miserable as he felt, each day was a day closer to death.
So, I asked both of them how they wanted their care in the "what if?"
"What if you lose your mind and wander into the road at 2AM...the neighbor finds you. What should I do?"
Dad: "If I am harmful to myself or somebody put me away somewhere."
Mom: " You put me somewhere and I will break out and kill you. I am not going anywhere. I want to die at home." Dad died a year later.
So today, I asked Mom "what if you develop ALZ and don't know what's going on around you. What do you want me to do."
She first started in with "I am not going to..." I would not back down. She finally said, "put a lock on the door up high and it should be alright."
She then said, "they (People with ALZ) don't mean any harm...the ones taken out of home are always wanting to go back and the ones at home want to get out." So I said, " medicate you to keep you calm?"
"Well yes I suppose." Then she said, "Dont worry about all that. I am going to have a stroke and make your life miserable that way."
Then she recalled an aunt by marriage with ALZ. Her son brought her to live in his home and she never settled. He bought a mobile home, set it up on the property, put some of her things in it, and each day when she was upset and wanted to go, they would go to the mobile to spend time. It soothed her.
That story soothed me...even the part about Mom thinking she will have a stroke, live, and make my life miserable. At least I got the OK to use medication out of all of this BIG SIGH
P
I give you a ^5 for demanding an answer.....heck....just bringing up the subject!!!!
How do you feel about her answer?
Kidding aside, Mom is conservative about taking meds because she was given a med in the 60's that destroyed her for 18 months or so. I always thought it caused some damage but she held it at bay by keeping healthy and following preventative medicine (vitamins).
So to have her OK meds for ALZ was cool. Not that I hold her to remembering this if the time comes. I just want a sense of her wishes, again. Assess and reassess is the name of the game here.
Pepper, IMO there are a lot of questions but only a few that we really need.. to be fair to ourselves and those who trust us. For me, I decided some information was absolute and had to be addressed. The other stuff I can figure out. Nothing is etched in stone....ever... except in my parent's case. They had their headstone set at their grave with family name, living almost 10 years before either died. Mom liked to visit it while they were alive. It was part of how they handled getting older.
As for making end life plans and strategies: Some things need details other stuff I am OK with winging it. The "wing thing" gets my Mom in a knot. She can not believe I can be so casual about anything. Well, that is because my parents were fanatics about everything. I am a contrary little sh*t she still says, and grins underneath. She raised me remember :) As long as I am polite when rude we are all ok she says.
P
Cheers!
My Paternal Grandmother died a horrible lengthy death in excruciating pain because she did not want to become "addicted" to pain meds!!!! DUHHHHH????????
My poor dad sat with her every day while she screamed to God for mercy and begged Him to "take her home".
Just one of the many reasons I am not religious and never will be.
For my dad it happened pretty much this way. Except for the fact that for several months mom was frustrated that dad wouldn't "try harder" to get better. Also at that point they both thought that one Tylenol once a day was way to much medication. But mom is a control freak and it was her way or nothing. When we hit that imaginary line she had no choice in care because I was there and directed things. Dad was heavily medicated within hours.
Mom as I said is a control freak. SHe is also having a difficult time of accepting that she is getting old. The dermatologist told her this week that her skin problems were due to her skin aging....but she tells me in the next breath that she has great skin. So my guess is that she will progress the same way as dad. She will resist everything until she slips across that imaginary line where she can't make decisions anymore and has to accept what is decided. But it will be based on what was always her wish.
I actually called my Dads DR behind their back and reported his true condition and home care. He was taken to the hospital that day and died 10 days later. Dad had been hoarding aspirin in his pocket and sucking on it for pain relief (from kidney failure and prostate cancer).
He never got morphine until hospice because they were afraid it would kill him. That was all Mom. He had some relief with lortab but clearly it was not pain management. What a sad pair.
P
What I'm finding difficult to deal with is that she is in complete denial that she has any problems. Yet she will call me almost hysterical because the doctor gave her a prescription for a cream and she doesn't know what to use when. Then to really make me crazed she will get mad if I try to help her figure it out, telling me she can read the labels....
I guess the good part of dementia is you forget you have it.