Caring For Aging Parents Support Group

Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.

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Had the first of many conversations

Debbalina
Debbalina

Sat down with mom today and started going over all her paperwork/financial docs/etc. for when she passes. Since I live with her I think the majority of it will fall on my shoulders. My brother is executor of her will but he's also 3000 miles away. My sister, who lives nearby, is severely disabled, so I'lll likely have to pick up whatever slack she experiences as well.


During the conversation, mom said "you already have me in the grave." It felt good to get this conversation started but very sad as well. I sense she really will fight me if ever she needs to live downstairs, an aid, or a nursing home. Hopefully it'll be a while before that but you can't help but think ahead when planning like this.

Community LeaderThePepperMan
ThePepperMan
These conversations are difficult, but necessary. My sister died before I had to start worrying about these things, so it all fell on me. One thing that really stands out as I watch my wife and her 3 siblings deal with her mom is that it is important to keep siblings in the loop. Her mom tried to play us against one another. As an "in-law" I was mostly removed from this, but she did try to get me to drive her back to her home (2 hours away) shortly after she moved in with us.

It sounds like you have a multi story house. Does your mom have the $$ to pay for a stair lift? That would really show her that she can live with you even if she is not able to do stairs.

Gentle hugs, these things can be very hard emotionally.
Elively
Elively
Good for you for having the tough conversations before it is too late to,get your ducks out n a row
selfie
selfie
These conversations are never easy...i talked to mom about a medical power of attorney the other day, she is 85 and still hasn't organised one....she called my brothers and accused me of having plans to knock her off ( now there is an idea! )

Some days are easier then other but overall caring for a parent has to be the hardest job out there
Debbalina
Debbalina
Yes I agree - it is the hardest job. Filled with lots of physical issues and emotions all rolled into one. Mom is usually pretty stable but sometimes she gets angry real quick and I see an ugly side to her. I wonder how much that will come into play as time goes on and things get more difficult. I am closer to my brother than i am to my sister, but i dont really talk to either. Its sad. My sister and my relationship is very dysfunctional. She can barely do anything for herself so dealing with her at the same time as my mom will be challenging. Oh funsies.
Community LeaderThePepperMan
ThePepperMan
Dealing with your sister may be more of a "letting her know what is going on" where as dealing with your brother may be more of a joint planning operation. It would be nice if all of you were invovled in the planning and executing of tasks, but that is almost never the case. Experience here says that there is almost always one sibling that does most of the work. (My uncle was more of a cheerleader who told my mother that she was doing a good job and he supported her all the way. Sigh, she would have loved for him to jump on a plane and stayed with them for a week or so.)

My wife and I finally got POAs so our children can step in when necessary. Perhaps if you do the same you can use that to help convince your mom of just how necessary it is.