Jealousy is another word for controlling.
I have to speak from my own health crisis and ask how you FEEL????

You have a right to have a life. You worked hard to become an independent mature adult human.
Constantly denying your own needs......
Constantly being controlled by another adult out of her jealous demands.....
Always having to consider someone else FIRST....
Never being allowed to simply choose what you want when you want...
These things are wearing on your spirit. They destroy the soul small bits at a time.

The flip side is an unnatural dependence that is growing for mom. She MUST be willing to have others care for her, keep her company, and visit with her FOR HER SAKE! Otherwise, you become her only safety and security.

What happens if you have the flu and need to stay away for mom's sake?
What happens if you are in a car accident or need surgery?
What happens if mom needs hospitalization for any reason?
And the absolute worst case - What happens if you pass before mom?
There is no guarantee that we will outlive our parents! Life is fragile.

I'd find others who can care for her, visit with her, who understand her issues and send them in as often as possible. Hopefully ones who are not put off by mom's hostile reactions who know how to ignore negative behaviors and reward positive ones.
Mom will at least maintain some social aspects to her life to ensure she has at least some coping abilities for life's inevitable crises.

How about visiting some assisted living centers or skilled nursing units. Some facilities have social directors (full or part time) who work to find things for the seniors to do. Perhaps they can suggest some lades with similar interests to your mom and they could become phone buddies.

I agree that it is not wise to let mom be so dependent on you. The day will come that you can't be there and then what?

I think you should do some trial over nights. It will make your mother understand that she has to accept other help.

Something else to consider...if you are always around, during the day, mom has no reason to seek other people. You might be surprised at what she does once she gets over her initial snit.

I agree. Time to put your foot DOWN! Spend the night in the woods with your animals and ENJOY yourself! This has been going on WAY too long.

Parernts need to realize they are NOT in charge of you like you were a little kid.

Emotional blackmail is the favorite tool. Dont fall for it.

Peaceful I'm in the same boat. I like all the advice you've been given. It will help me too. So far the only help I've got is caregiver's respite. 4 hours a week. I still don't have anyone to cover me all night.

I too miss my privacy and time alone.

Wishing you the best.

me too! i was single and living happily by myself for 19 yrs! DearGod how I miss my privacy and singularity.(is that a word) I have a new husband and he is SOOO patient! he has saved my sanity so far!

Yes, singularity is a word. But it does not mean what you think it does!

he he he

I could NOT handle this without my Darling Richard by my side! I don't miss singularity at all!!! But you are AWESOME Janet!!!!

Pepper I have to disagree. Singularity perfectly describes a sibling that I have. They generally turn into black holes eventually.
LOL

Sunny I bow to your words. Yes, your sibling appears to be an emotional singularity much like a black hole is a gravitational singularity!

Sometimes I feel like everyone on here has the same parent. My mom is a 92 yr old narcissistic bitch. She's been with me a year and a half. I miss my "own" time. I miss being able to go when I want to.Mom could get up but once she learned (taught) me to wait on her hand and foot, she hasn't gotten up except for the bathroom in months. She is ALWAYS right, thinks everytime I take a dirty dish out of her room I'm stealing something and continually questions what I took. They say the opposite of love is hate, but it's not. The opposite of love is indifference. Hate has it's own catagory. Don't do for your mom now what she can do for herself because you will be stuck with it forever. If you can still assert your indepence, do it. One day, it will be too late and you will have no choice but to give up your life. Wish I had known that. Now, I think of my mother as a person I would like to divorce. Good luck.

givingup....

I do agree with you that the opposite of love is indifference! Hate means I still care. Not caring at all is really the opposite.

Except for all of us eventually dying, I don't see why we have to give up our lives eventually.
This is the thing that troubles me most. Parents refused to plan for this stage of life. They just EXPECT that children should take care of them no matter how long or how ruinous it is to the child's life.
It is like they had children so they would not have to take care of themselves at this point in life.

WHY?
Why do we simply accept that decades of our lives should be ruined because they refused to plan ahead?
Why are we on the job because they want to just enjoy themselves?

People who are used by others without a care for the one being used - that is called slavery. I am pretty certain that we fought a civil war to stop slavery.
It is high time that we children expect that our parents care for themselves including planning for a possibility of living beyond the ability to be independent.

I chuckle at the different ideas about my coined word singularity,, but whatever the accurate word is,,,singleness probably,, I only miss the privacy of it and now that I have a husband,, it would have to be OUR privacy. Being w/ him is like being happily by myself and complete. I think that's probably a good thing and Im so thankful to have found him at this late date in my life. Just pray that we have some lifetime left to enjoy after our duty is done.

Janet, at least you can still get the jokes that we crack around here. That is a good sign.

Hang in there...this can't last forever

Are we going Sci-Fi with the Singularity jokes Bit by Bit ?

Since I posted the original discussion, my Mom went with my friend and me to have some fun. We went to a short train ride and mock robbery by cowboys on horseback. It was fun. Mom was ok for awhile. When she started to tire, the mean remarks started toward people behind us. I bought her a beer and diverted her with a cowboy who allowed pics etc...
She was able to get around with cane at first then we went to the walker because it has a seat. 5 hours total from leaving the house then home. She was tuckered out. Today, she recalled details including the type of beer. Not bad eh? If the weather had been hotter and more humid we could not have done this. Even with an O2 tank.

I am not sure what tomorrow will bring with her. I take one interaction at a time. This week I will begin doing some much needed work during the day to my place 20 miles away. Mom stays alone when I go to my job. Up to 12 hours a day. She is also use to the cleaning person so hoping I can pay her to watch Mom here and there.
It is a start to getting some" me" time back.

I agree with the thoughts about not allowing abuse and managing the controlling aspect of my Mothers issues. She was worse 3 years ago and it seems she is winding down. I have made slow changes to my fathers routine w her. I am NOT a replacement and let her know that from the get go. Once he died, I found she was not well but still too well for what anyone could see. She has lived longer than some suspected.
Home Health has been awesome because they know about her emotional issues and how difficult she can be. They are helpful in that they have documented many aspects to her abilities and etc.

As for if something happens to me. One of my brothers is next on the list of Trustees. We are the only two at this time. He will not take her in after having his father in law. They will have to come to some agreement as I had to.

Thank you for your words and kindness. It carries me through the tougher times.

Hugs,
P