Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
My m.i.l. is 90, does not drive anymore due to bad eyesight. She is still living in her own home, my daughter lives with her. Daughter takes her where she wants after work. So when it comes to Dr. appt.s, I take her. Last visit with pc I was able to tell him about several issues. I asked for a cognitive test, as she didn't know what she did with a large amount of money. She admitted to him yes, it happened. My other reason is that her sister has alzheimers. Her bathing habit is next to none. When daughter smells urine on her, she will ask, when did you bathe last. The reply is usually the other day, when you weren't home.Not true. We have bought her underwear pads, and she won't use them. Informed doc, and he told her-wear them. She needs to do a simple exercise to help leg muscles. She doesn't. Doc got on her about this as she may fall, and break bones. Her silly reply was I take a vitamin for my bones. He told her a wheelchair is next.
I have a wheelchair. I'm thinking about taking it to her home, and leaving it in her garage so everytime she goes somewhere, she will see it. What's your thoughts about this?
Another issue I have with her is that she will talk about me behind my back, or make snide remarks. I have confronted her in the past about this, but she still does it anyway. I'd like to take her to a senior center in hopes of her making friends, and doing things with them. I was given a phone no. for transportation, and the charge won't be a lot. I don't want to be obligated for taking her. I won't tell her this until later. She may say no. Should she agree and like it, I expect her bad mouthing.
Should I do this?
She has a daughter 30 mins. away. She's useless except making phone calls.
Thoughts, opinions about doing these things?
-
Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
-
Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
I will start by saying, my grandmother is 103. She helped raise and educate me since birth, and I remember her as the sweetest, kindest, fun, most open and understanding grandmother. Now having said that, and I say this with love: I believe people as they age, and particularly the really elderly tend to lack a sort of "filter" and say things that we could take as "rude". I have seen this in my dear grandma. At first I would think "Oh granny is angry, how unusual" or "Grandma is too frank", or "Maybe grandma is sensitive today". Remember, people age we can't do anything about that.
Now... your mother in law is 90 and I understand how somethings she said or says might be understood as a snide. Be kind. Probably she's not mean at heart. We all will get to that age where we might say something inappropriate because we can't "filter" things. Just have that in mind... and know that I empathize.
You describe what you do, and to me, you seem to be doing all the right things and worrying about her well-being. The wheel chair seems like a good idea, but I would also tell grandma to try and exercise and stretch her legs everyday. I know, it is easier said than done, but, I'm cheering for you.
You are nice and kind, and a loving family member. Your daughter is also a loving wonderful person. Don't forget, our elder family members once took care of us and loved us.
Wishing you all the best.
You can set limits for your MIL (I do this for mine), but if she is unable to understand them and/or unable to control how she acts this can be hard. But do consider it.
Bellebea is right about that filter thing. I have seen a lot of relatives in my parents generation (and older) lose this filter and say things that are out of character for the person that they used to be. the only way I know of to deal with this is to understand this. Imagine the things you think, but do not say, and then imagine your thoughts jumping out into words without your filter being active.
You can work to "devalue" her importance in your life. I do not say this to be mean. For example, we place different values on the things that everybody in our life says. One relative may be great for tax advice, but another may be terrible at it. So we listen to the one who knows what they are saying and value their advice, but we ignore the one who does not know taxes.
So pick and choose what you value about your MIL. It can be hard, but it is workable.
gentle hugs
If she is in early stages of dementia I'm not surprised that she can be sort of nasty at times..... Can the doctor order in some Community Care?..... A support worker can help with bathing, hair washing etc.... Things like toe nails can be a big deal if she isn't able to do her foot care so a nurse can do this
Perhaps if her GP pushes her and tells her she needs some care she may listen..... Sometimes people will take help from the medical community when they won't from family
If someone just shows up to help her with her bathing she may except it.....Does she have a bath bench to sit on?...... There are devices that can help her in the home if she has problems walking.... Bars for the bathtub ... Raised toilet seat etc
This time in life is really hard for everyone and often painful..... I'm sorry she's taking shots at you re gossip.... If she has any dementia this isn't her..... She also may be lashing out because she feels she's losing control of her life..... xo