Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
Ok.....I know we become forgetful as we age...heck....even my brother tells me the same stories over and over, but Mom has taken it to a new level.
Background: one of her private caregivers had a family commitment and mom was annoyed she would have to be alone all day (one of the reasons we keep mentioning assisted living mom!!!!) I told her this is to be expected, they have lives above and beyond taking care of her. She started muttering.....having lives..you all have lives...i hate that term....and then she screamed "Don't you think *I* wanted a life? But NO...I had to raise the 3 of you!!" I was insulted by that remark....I told her so...kissed her goodbye on the check, and left.
She called me the next day and told me she was sorry.....I said I appreciated her apology because I was starting to think she never wanted any of us. She asked what made me think that. So I reminded her of the previous night's conversation. She started screaming that she never said that. I said Mom you DID. I think you just need to believe me that it was said and you just do not remember! I said to her...WHY would I make something like that up?? W hat purpose would it serve?? She said well WHY would I say something like that. I told her that I was done...she was insinuating I was a liar ...and I hug up.
I decided then and there to withdraw all my care. Not an easy decision as she is terminal and I really do not want to lose her. But that decision felt freeing! Like someone had lifted an anvil off my chest!
Then my husband reminded me that if I do not continue helping, she will dump everything on my brother. Which would not be fair to him. He has been the victim of her histrionics as well. One day...all she ate was cake and water....and he told her she needed more nutrition then sugar and water...she started hitting herself on the head with her fists and screaming for him to GET OUT!
Anyway.....I am not really surprised to find out that she did not want us...she has always been self-centered and I guess we just cramped her style. But to think I would make up stories really hurts.
I don't want anything to happen to her before it is time.....but I really wish I could just withdraw all my care
Background: one of her private caregivers had a family commitment and mom was annoyed she would have to be alone all day (one of the reasons we keep mentioning assisted living mom!!!!) I told her this is to be expected, they have lives above and beyond taking care of her. She started muttering.....having lives..you all have lives...i hate that term....and then she screamed "Don't you think *I* wanted a life? But NO...I had to raise the 3 of you!!" I was insulted by that remark....I told her so...kissed her goodbye on the check, and left.
She called me the next day and told me she was sorry.....I said I appreciated her apology because I was starting to think she never wanted any of us. She asked what made me think that. So I reminded her of the previous night's conversation. She started screaming that she never said that. I said Mom you DID. I think you just need to believe me that it was said and you just do not remember! I said to her...WHY would I make something like that up?? W hat purpose would it serve?? She said well WHY would I say something like that. I told her that I was done...she was insinuating I was a liar ...and I hug up.
I decided then and there to withdraw all my care. Not an easy decision as she is terminal and I really do not want to lose her. But that decision felt freeing! Like someone had lifted an anvil off my chest!
Then my husband reminded me that if I do not continue helping, she will dump everything on my brother. Which would not be fair to him. He has been the victim of her histrionics as well. One day...all she ate was cake and water....and he told her she needed more nutrition then sugar and water...she started hitting herself on the head with her fists and screaming for him to GET OUT!
Anyway.....I am not really surprised to find out that she did not want us...she has always been self-centered and I guess we just cramped her style. But to think I would make up stories really hurts.
I don't want anything to happen to her before it is time.....but I really wish I could just withdraw all my care
It is hard to be the first one to give up on a parent, and it is hard to be the last one to give up. But since there are just the 2 of you, neither of you gets to be the middle child to give up.
Keep talking to your brother. You may change your mind or you may not, but a united front from you and your brother sounds like the only way that might work with your mom.
My Mother has "forgotten" every mean thing she and my Dad did to me.
In almost every family one sibling does all or most of the heavy lifting.
It's great that your Bro is willing to help. I think it would be a good compromise to sort of take turns?
you can take the break you need, and come back later?
Also another strategy that can be helpful is to pick your battles carefully.
Like does it really matter if Mom wants to eat cake all day?
And you could try recording stuff but that would not stop the behavior and would just piss her off.
I could show my mother something she said to me and wrote down but she would still deny it
I understand wanting to withdraw all care. I'd go up weekends to give Mom a break from Dad and there were weekends where all that got me to go was the realization that we didn't have the option of caregivers, assisted living, etc.---it was just us. ---and that as he was terminal, it truly was not forever. And I got to say good-bye inside myself bit by bit, before the end. My dad said nasty things, then blamed his pain meds. It wasn't his pain meds. It was him. He never apologized.
Maybe she's lashing out because she's grieving her lost chances. I dunno. I just know I am glad I didn't give up helping out. For my mom's sake, if not my dad's.
Gentle hugs of support.
We found out she had sundowners dementia, along with loss of hearing so she was filling in the blanks with what she though she had done or heard.
That was about 8 years ago when it started, now I just listen to her stories and do not contradict as it just confuses her more. I just say I look into it or I am sorry it is hard for to figure that out. I have quit trying to make her understand and stopped worrying about how she looked or sounded, my son told me what do you expect she is old and tired and it will probably get worse.
She can forget the whole conversation or that I was even there. Then all of sudden she is normal. Just take the good with the bad and walk away when it becomes too much or aggressive.
laurab
A totally separate issue than her self centered personality disorder and selfishness.
I really want to do the "right thing". I do not want any guilt once she is gone. I just wish she would meet us halfway!!!
Gentle hugs
My mother has it and she has rewritten history for years, telling my daughter that they bought me a car when I was younger and put me through college (both of which I did myself).
She says and does things and then lies about it. Last night, my daughter caught her with her hand on the furnace, and she denied it even though there was a witness. It's all about what is convenient for her at that moment.
That part of her is never going to change, as it won't with yours.
I don't necessarily believe that your mother never wanted any of you. After all, this type of personality usually needs some accessories, and children come in handy. I know mine loved us to the degree she could.
She will also turn everything to be about her, so your saying you have a life, she will want to twist that into being about her, and saying she could have had a life is a very logical response.
Mine makes everything about her, so even if something horrible happened to someone else, she will make it about her suffering or worrying about that person and how hard it is on HER.
I think when things are tough with them now and we're giving so much more to them and it's not appreciated or under appreciated, it's normal for that to make you angry, and stir up the old incidents. That's very unhealthy for US. It really doesn't hurt them. But it's also human, and we have to try to deal with it.
As far as giving up on your mother, at the moment, you're between a rock and a hard place. You're feeling bad if you don't (for your brother), and feeling bad if you do.
Try cutting back and talk to your brother about it. He may have his limits set and encourage you to do the same, or tell you he needs help. That will also help you make your decision and come to a place of peace.
Good luck.