Hi. I totally understand how draining it is, to give your all to take care of your mom, and get no appreciation for it. Then since we are the main caregivers we are the ones they beat up. You really have to find time for yourself. You need to get away some, or you are going to go totally crazy. I spend a lot of time in my room, just to get away. My door is opened, and I'm here for her, and I meet all her needs, but I'd go totally crazy if I had to spend every minute with my mom. Do things for you sometimes. Do you have any friends that will come by and visit?

Thank you for telling me I'm not alone in the way I feel and do things. I too spend a lot of my room. I grew up here in Houston but married a Louisiana man after college and moved there raised my children and 3 years ago lost my husband to a heart attack. At the same time Mom was having trouble taking care of herself so I left my life in Louisiana and moved back to Houston. Long story short I don't have friends here that can stop in and visit. Again thank you for responding it's nice to be able to communicate with a person. I hope things are going well for you.

Sorry you have no one to help you.
I know it's so lonely. One minute I'm okay and the next I have high anxiety. Do you have the money to hire someone? Even if it's once in a while. I'm so glad that we have this group. Friends understand some but don't totally get it. I feel so out of tune.

Yes have the money but mom doesn't trust having someone in the house that she is unfamiliar with. I'm so relieved to have this group to talk to. I'm sorry that you feel out of tune and do know that exact feeling. I use to be so active. I never sat still but now some days I get sore from just sitting still.

I also read your post about going out for bread only to have your mother fall. I am so very sorry that you are going through this.

Does your mother have any siblings you can talk to? If your mom is not safe living alone, being left alone, etc, having a competent brother or sister to talk to her can help out a lot.

Do you live with your mom? It sounds like you do. At some point we all need to set limits for our parents, and we need to set consequences for violating those limits. Think about things that she does that are not safe, things that drive you up the wall, things that can be changed. Perhaps things that MUST be changed. Come up with your consequences, and impose them.

For example, many of us have had parents who "demand" that we go to the store the minute they realize that they are out of something, or are running low. The rule can be that non emergency things will be purchased on shopping day, and that if they demand that you drop everything and go NOW, then tell them that you will put the item on the list, and it will be purchased next time you are at the store. If they make a scene, you can postpone the shopping day by a day.

Then DO IT!

Another problem that some of us here have had is disrespect. For example, "You were never any good at fixing a torn hem were you!" We can tell our parent(s) that we are aware of our shortcomings, but that they are not to keep dredging it up. The consequence can be that you give yourself some time off, and you lock yourself in your room (or a long hot bath, ... )

It is critical that we have time to ourselves. Without this we are very likely to suffer burnout. So make it a strong condition on your staying with your mom that she agree to some companion care at least once a week. Then treat yourself to a movie, or take a class, or do something for yourself.

This is harder to enforce, especially if your mother thinks that she is perfectly OK by herself. If she recognizes that she is not OK alone then this is easier. We are going through this one ourselves. MIL fell on day just after we left to help our daughter get to a doctor appointment. (Eye surgery, driving was not a good thing for her to do, so we were gone for about 7 hours.) She was on the ground for about 6 or 7 hours. I swear that if MIL makes trouble about this companion care issue again, I will ask her if she enjoyed being on the ground for 6 hours.

Sorry to be random here, been up and down for MIL requests today. (I suspect you can relate to that!) Look for a support group that meets in person! This is an excellent way to meet people going through similar issues to you. These would be logical people for you to meet up with and see that movie, or just chat with.

Sorry to go on and on,

Gentle hugs

Surprised to hear others that spend time in their room....that's what I do and feel it's just so wrong. It seems that the elder person that needs care is comfortable with this....or is it just me? I've been here way too long and am NOT comfortable with this. Just wondering at what point my life should take precedent? Any pointers?

Sorry, I totally understand what you're going through and am sending you prayers and warm hugs

Caregiving is hard work and it can easily become all consuming. It's important to take care of yourself too. Maybe you could look into getting help once or twice a week so you have sometime for yourself also.

I agree with Linda; GET HELP to come in. That will give you some much needed "you time".

I am the sole caregiver for my father, he wont do right with anyone but me and sometimes he will try to be manipulative with me but he gets no where. He has gotten to the point where he refuses to take his meds I have to crush them up in his food and drinks. He has dementia and he is so different day by day. He started acting up so much I had to stop working to be home with him. I am 51 yrs old and I love my dad but some days I get so frustrated with him. Everybody talking bout they're life no one thinks that my life is on hold and I may need sometime to myself. So I feel you 100%. At times I feel stressed and like I'm losing it.