Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
Good day everyone. hope everyone is good.
I need some opinions on what you would do in this situation,
My mom is having gradual dementia, deemed normal aging (Another Dr. appt in April)
My mom likes going on ebay and buy stuff, crochet animals, books, most items under $30. But she buys 5x or more a month on average
The problem is that she gets alot of popups saying "your computer has virsues , click or call a number" or the stuff she gets is from Turkey or a foreign country. Then she'll get an email from them to contact them, which she does, THEN she gets viruses or her computer gets corrupted by foriegn hackers. This is on going, getting her computer fixed and running to the banks to see if any of her accounts have any fraudulent activity. (thats why, no online banking)
She always says "oh this is the last time", but of course she keeps on buying.
There is no point in telling her "dont do this.." b/c her mental capabilities have decreased, she'll forget and do what she use to do 10 yrs ago. There is no difference in yesterday or a month ago. She thought it was still December when it is Feb. She has her good days when her memory is clear. She is still capable of washing herself, keeping the apartment clean, and doing laundry. She gets meals on wheels for food.
But anything that is financial or spoken to her over the phone or by the dr is a blank, She just repeats stuff that is general, nothing specific
I KNOW is that she has memory issues and know how to answer. Yes, no. but if you ask her in detail anything she does not know. She knows how to pay a bill, it is a habit, see a number, write a check for it. (but I know she'll pay anything, she had a negative credit card balance but she wrote a check and mailed it already X2. I could get her to write a check for my bills and she would probably do it too). In Oct, Neurology appt, dr. said that she is still ok. After her PCP in April, I get her another appointment with the neurologist. UNTIL THEN...
So now she corrupted her computer again and so My sister and I decided to take it to be fixed and never return it to her again. Since mom has no sense of time, if she asks, we'll tell her it is being fixed and keep putting it off. She won't notice how long it been gone. After 60 days, check her email to see if there is any scammers and close her email account.
Mom has a sister in another country that emails her, I feel bad about that since they write each other. And her sister doesnt want to call or speak on the phone sometimes.
Monday,I'm going to see if I can get the maximum amount of money she can charge on her credit card reduce to $1200, I think it is up in the $5000 range or more.
DH says she does it b/c she is bored, but Mom doesnt want/cant go to the silver sneakers gym., it always next month. I think she doesn't remember how to get there and back. and maybe she has laspes where she doesn't know where she is. That is why she refuses to come with me to see her grandchildren play basketball only 30min games in different places. I'm just guessing since she never answers me when I ask her if she knows where she is, or if she is having trouble remembering. But observing her behavior, that is what I think it is.
Did I do the right thing?? some how I feel guilty about it. It is her right to buy what she wants, but she cannot differentiate what is a scam and what is real. For example, she asked me "is this a bill", it was an AARP advertisment, (I know they print it like a bill but still...)
This is a "GREY AREA" she is going to need a Power of Attorney sooner or later. For example, When we go to the dr, I have to tell her how much and to who. But she goes to a store she'll pay with a creditcard, because all she has to do is sign and get the receipt. But if it is cash she doesnt remember, if she paid or not. But she is still capable of taking care of herself. So did I do the right thing? Did I over step my boundaries?
I'm tired of cleaning up these small messes. (BUT I THINK it is better than some theives cleaning out her bank account or charging $$$ on her credit account, and ID theft)
I will discuss this with her primary care dr. in April?
Is there any other alternative solution ? Sorry for the long post, tried to be short but with details, Thanks for any help. Hapi
I need some opinions on what you would do in this situation,
My mom is having gradual dementia, deemed normal aging (Another Dr. appt in April)
My mom likes going on ebay and buy stuff, crochet animals, books, most items under $30. But she buys 5x or more a month on average
The problem is that she gets alot of popups saying "your computer has virsues , click or call a number" or the stuff she gets is from Turkey or a foreign country. Then she'll get an email from them to contact them, which she does, THEN she gets viruses or her computer gets corrupted by foriegn hackers. This is on going, getting her computer fixed and running to the banks to see if any of her accounts have any fraudulent activity. (thats why, no online banking)
She always says "oh this is the last time", but of course she keeps on buying.
There is no point in telling her "dont do this.." b/c her mental capabilities have decreased, she'll forget and do what she use to do 10 yrs ago. There is no difference in yesterday or a month ago. She thought it was still December when it is Feb. She has her good days when her memory is clear. She is still capable of washing herself, keeping the apartment clean, and doing laundry. She gets meals on wheels for food.
But anything that is financial or spoken to her over the phone or by the dr is a blank, She just repeats stuff that is general, nothing specific
I KNOW is that she has memory issues and know how to answer. Yes, no. but if you ask her in detail anything she does not know. She knows how to pay a bill, it is a habit, see a number, write a check for it. (but I know she'll pay anything, she had a negative credit card balance but she wrote a check and mailed it already X2. I could get her to write a check for my bills and she would probably do it too). In Oct, Neurology appt, dr. said that she is still ok. After her PCP in April, I get her another appointment with the neurologist. UNTIL THEN...
So now she corrupted her computer again and so My sister and I decided to take it to be fixed and never return it to her again. Since mom has no sense of time, if she asks, we'll tell her it is being fixed and keep putting it off. She won't notice how long it been gone. After 60 days, check her email to see if there is any scammers and close her email account.
Mom has a sister in another country that emails her, I feel bad about that since they write each other. And her sister doesnt want to call or speak on the phone sometimes.
Monday,I'm going to see if I can get the maximum amount of money she can charge on her credit card reduce to $1200, I think it is up in the $5000 range or more.
DH says she does it b/c she is bored, but Mom doesnt want/cant go to the silver sneakers gym., it always next month. I think she doesn't remember how to get there and back. and maybe she has laspes where she doesn't know where she is. That is why she refuses to come with me to see her grandchildren play basketball only 30min games in different places. I'm just guessing since she never answers me when I ask her if she knows where she is, or if she is having trouble remembering. But observing her behavior, that is what I think it is.
Did I do the right thing?? some how I feel guilty about it. It is her right to buy what she wants, but she cannot differentiate what is a scam and what is real. For example, she asked me "is this a bill", it was an AARP advertisment, (I know they print it like a bill but still...)
This is a "GREY AREA" she is going to need a Power of Attorney sooner or later. For example, When we go to the dr, I have to tell her how much and to who. But she goes to a store she'll pay with a creditcard, because all she has to do is sign and get the receipt. But if it is cash she doesnt remember, if she paid or not. But she is still capable of taking care of herself. So did I do the right thing? Did I over step my boundaries?
I'm tired of cleaning up these small messes. (BUT I THINK it is better than some theives cleaning out her bank account or charging $$$ on her credit account, and ID theft)
I will discuss this with her primary care dr. in April?
Is there any other alternative solution ? Sorry for the long post, tried to be short but with details, Thanks for any help. Hapi
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Tomorrow is National Relaxation Day but seeing how we already had a Moment of Zen this week and today happens to be a Friday, how about some relaxation jokes instead?! Namaste... enjoy! Happy Friday!
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If you only know one thing about me, it should be _____________________.
It sounds like your mother likes using her computer, and it would be so sad to take it away from her, but I understand. Others here have taken away their parent's car under the story of getting it fixed, then the fixes are always just a week or month away from being done.
When you get POA over her finances you can remove all credit card and bank account data from her computer. As for paying her bills, you can let her keep her old checks and she can make them out and send them all to you. Then you can copy them to new checks (ie make a new account number to protect her) and mail them off. Or go online yourself and pay them.
Look into getting popups blocked on your mother's computer. That will defeat a lot of the fraud attempts. Also look into parental controls on the computer. They should allow you to block some sites, or even better they may allow you to actively select which sites she can go to. This should limit her exposure.
So far I don't see anything wrong that you have done!
I would also suggest getting the financial and health POAs in place now. There's no banking institution that will work with you unless you are on the accounts or have a POA. Some banks won't work with you even with the POA, they want you on the account along side your mother. It's a bit of a hassle.
I does sound like her cognitive skills are deteriorating so I would keep a journal of incidences that you could use as talking points when you meet with her doctor. Don't forget, they're only seeing your mother for a short office visit so assessing the degree of her decline, unless it's drastic isn't something they could determine in a short conversation. You could call the doctor ahead and ask them to give your mother a cognitive test while she's there. From what you've stated here, I don't think she'd pass that.
Pepper is right, if you wait too long on putting this POA in place, you'll cause yourself a lot more legal hassle; so, I would do that sooner rather than later.