Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
I've been telling myself that you have to accept things the way they are and stop wishing they were different. Well I have sort of accepted it but now I am feeling depressed. Mom has problems a lot. Of course I am the
only one that she has to talk to. And to help her. This latest crises is
actually my brothers. But since he is moving home fulltime. And mom is
codependent with him. Also scared to death of him being homeless.It is her problem also. She is 88 years old and sort of frail. Family story is extremely long too long to describe in a few sentences. How do I
handle the depression?
Barbara
only one that she has to talk to. And to help her. This latest crises is
actually my brothers. But since he is moving home fulltime. And mom is
codependent with him. Also scared to death of him being homeless.It is her problem also. She is 88 years old and sort of frail. Family story is extremely long too long to describe in a few sentences. How do I
handle the depression?
Barbara
Separate your issues into smaller parts and deal with them separately. For example, your brother's issues are his. He may or may not be able to deal with them, but don't make them YOUR problem to deal with. Your mom's issues are different. Since you are already her care giver some of her issues (at least) are yours as well. But limit the issues you will carry for her to what you can handle.
Please consider joining this group. I know you don't have to be a member to post and reply, but I think the act of clicking the join button makes people feel more a part of the group. (This may be one of those things that is more important to me than it is to you!)
Also please consider joining the depression group. Lots of good people there!
Now more specifics: there is something I learned in the Depression group. We call it the "Airplane Oxygen Rule" In airplanes they tell us that if they lose pressure and the masks drop, what ever you do PUT YOURS ON FIRST! Take care of yourself FIRST when it comes to your mom and brother. We are not much help to others when we ourselves are too down, weak, or otherwise not able to help.
A big part of care giving is to establish limits for the ones we are taking care of. That means identifying behavior on their part that you will not tolerate, setting limits, and then enforcing the limits. For example, if your brother refuses to help clean up after meals despite being physically capable of helping, then you might either refuse to make meals for him, or limit him to bread and water.
Please feel free to poke about the older posts here. We have spent a great deal of time discussing setting limits and other things that are common to all of us.
Gentle hugs, and please feel free to post as often as you need!
I have to remind myself that "it isn't happening to me" and I try to watch loved ones with their complications like I am watching a show on Tv...I may react but I don't have to take it into my heart.
I learned that skill working for a church. so many needs, and so overwhelming.
you can love people and not have it eat you alive.
the oxygen rule is key to dealing with drama...trauma. I learned that when my son was an active alcoholic. we can't control, cure or change them....only how we react to it all.
mother won't set limits with my brother. She considers his
problems her problems. She said as long as she is alive he will be ok.
Barbara
Be aware of your mom trying to make you promise to take care of your brother after she is gone. My gut is saying that she will try to do this to you.