Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
Hi, it is my first time writing on this board, so here goes...
My Dad is 85 with CHF and COPD. He is in bad shape and the slightest activity has him out of breath. My siblings and I are unable to be there 24/7 due to our own jobs, families and children. However one of us usually is with him on the weekends.
We hired caregivers through an agency to help him with cooking, light housekeeping and generally to keep an eye on him. We started out 24/7, but he will only tolerate M-W-F, four hours each day. He does claim that he can cook and eat on their off days, but the kitchen is left a mess until they return.
Problems:
1) He smokes. He is on oxygen. When he smokes he tosses the oxygen tube far away from him. He does not always turn off the machine (tanks are not used at home).
2) He is very rude to the caregivers, to the point of cursing and name calling when they do not do things exactly the way he tells them to.
3) He asks them to do tasks that are clearly above and beyond what they are there to do.
The agency has sent 13 caregivers so far, and none of them will return to his home. We have canceled service this week while we work with him on his behavior. He denies any wrongdoing and says they are "stupid" to worry about the smoking and oxygen.
We are at wits end with this. He refuses to be anywhere but in his home where he can do as he pleases. We do not know how he can survive without help. I envision mounds and mounds of dirty dishes when i visit this upcoming weekend.
I feel we are out of options. I feel sad for him there alone and struggling. I just don't know where to turn. Helpful suggestions appreciated. I am at wit's end.
I wish the best to all of you going through similar situations.
My Dad is 85 with CHF and COPD. He is in bad shape and the slightest activity has him out of breath. My siblings and I are unable to be there 24/7 due to our own jobs, families and children. However one of us usually is with him on the weekends.
We hired caregivers through an agency to help him with cooking, light housekeeping and generally to keep an eye on him. We started out 24/7, but he will only tolerate M-W-F, four hours each day. He does claim that he can cook and eat on their off days, but the kitchen is left a mess until they return.
Problems:
1) He smokes. He is on oxygen. When he smokes he tosses the oxygen tube far away from him. He does not always turn off the machine (tanks are not used at home).
2) He is very rude to the caregivers, to the point of cursing and name calling when they do not do things exactly the way he tells them to.
3) He asks them to do tasks that are clearly above and beyond what they are there to do.
The agency has sent 13 caregivers so far, and none of them will return to his home. We have canceled service this week while we work with him on his behavior. He denies any wrongdoing and says they are "stupid" to worry about the smoking and oxygen.
We are at wits end with this. He refuses to be anywhere but in his home where he can do as he pleases. We do not know how he can survive without help. I envision mounds and mounds of dirty dishes when i visit this upcoming weekend.
I feel we are out of options. I feel sad for him there alone and struggling. I just don't know where to turn. Helpful suggestions appreciated. I am at wit's end.
I wish the best to all of you going through similar situations.
Next, I would give him no options; he is either polite to anyone coming into the home to help him including smoking cessation to ensure those persons are working in a safe environment OR, he'll simply go into a facility where the family can ensure he's not putting any outsiders or family members physical well being in harms way!
I'm very surprised that the agency has sent anyone to his home if he's smoking while on oxygen when their employees are there. To say nothing of this man's own well being. It's a very dangerous situation.
Sometimes you just have to take a stand and not let them call the shots. I'm sorry you find yourselves in this kind of situation but I would say it's time to get tough...
PD has a good point, get the word out that nobody is to buy him cigarettes.
Pick your battles, and when you must fight a battle, structure it so that natural consequences dictates many of the outcomes.
Talk to a lawyer, find out what your obligations to him are under the laws in your state. You might need to consider getting him declared unfit to make his own decisions. Allowing filth to accumulate by refusing in home care, smoking while on O2, I suspect there are others.
One thing you can do is to hire somebody to go with you on weekends and help with the cleaning.
Gentle hugs for you all stuck in a hard situation.
We are NEVER too old to learn from natural consequences. You have the right to contact senior protection services to come in and access him for his own protection.
I don't understand how the oxygen company is still maintaining his O2 supplies while knowing that he is smoking when using it. When my dad was on O2, we all had to sign a form that stated that we would have no OPEN FLAMES in the house, would not allow any smoking, AND had an emergency exit plan. They bring out fresh tubing and other supplies.
Again, thank you all for taking the time to respond. I really do appreciate it. Gentle hugs to you all.