Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
Hey,
My dad is now 72 years old and not in "bad health", but also not in good health. He is diabetic and refuses to take his insulin because he thinks he knows better than the doctors, but he's good about his diet and eats pretty well so it hasn't gotten to a disastrous situation, (yet). My dad lived a pretty crazy life and has had many concussions from fights and car wrecks and Vietnam, he also has a plate in his head. The last few years he is having a lot of problems remembering anything, he calls me sometimes 2 times within an hour to ask me the same question and he can't remember anything without writing it down on his notepad he carries with him. His doctors want him to get an MRI or CAT scan, (I'm not even sure which), I'm pretty sure to check him for early signs of Alzheimer's.
My dad recently told his doctors he wants them to talk to my half-sister about his medical stuff and he is depending on her to make his appointments and explain to him whats going on medically. Now, my sister did not grow up with him, they reunited about 5 years ago. I do not speak to her anymore because I think she uses people, she conned my dad out of a $3000 car so she could take him to Nevada to see his sisters and have a family reunion, which she found an excuse to not do and turned around and immediately sold the car. I don't trust her and I hate the fact that she only talks to him when she needs money. She is actually mad that he made her a caregiver, she will not call his doctors, and he only agreed to get his brain scanned if she would go with, but every time there is an appointment she disappears and stops answering her phone.
I'm afraid for my dad, he needs help an he needs to get a nurse or someone to teach him to do the insulin shots, (that's why he won't take it he hates needles), he needs a full check up and I am very worried about his memory problems. I am willing to help and I want to work with his doctors but my dad thinks my sister is better capable because she is older and he thinks she is a nurse, (she is a doula, not a nurse), I don't know what to do anymore, he will not talk to me about any medical things and he may be in ill health but he is still my dad, he's stubborn as all hell and I can't force him to do something he doesn't want to do.
Is there any way I can talk to his doctors about this and tell them that my sister does not care about him and is standing in the way of him getting good care? My other sister actually thinks this woman may have stolen his bank account numbers, (theres a new $6000 credit card bill that appeared from no where), but I don't know if this is true or not.
My dad is now 72 years old and not in "bad health", but also not in good health. He is diabetic and refuses to take his insulin because he thinks he knows better than the doctors, but he's good about his diet and eats pretty well so it hasn't gotten to a disastrous situation, (yet). My dad lived a pretty crazy life and has had many concussions from fights and car wrecks and Vietnam, he also has a plate in his head. The last few years he is having a lot of problems remembering anything, he calls me sometimes 2 times within an hour to ask me the same question and he can't remember anything without writing it down on his notepad he carries with him. His doctors want him to get an MRI or CAT scan, (I'm not even sure which), I'm pretty sure to check him for early signs of Alzheimer's.
My dad recently told his doctors he wants them to talk to my half-sister about his medical stuff and he is depending on her to make his appointments and explain to him whats going on medically. Now, my sister did not grow up with him, they reunited about 5 years ago. I do not speak to her anymore because I think she uses people, she conned my dad out of a $3000 car so she could take him to Nevada to see his sisters and have a family reunion, which she found an excuse to not do and turned around and immediately sold the car. I don't trust her and I hate the fact that she only talks to him when she needs money. She is actually mad that he made her a caregiver, she will not call his doctors, and he only agreed to get his brain scanned if she would go with, but every time there is an appointment she disappears and stops answering her phone.
I'm afraid for my dad, he needs help an he needs to get a nurse or someone to teach him to do the insulin shots, (that's why he won't take it he hates needles), he needs a full check up and I am very worried about his memory problems. I am willing to help and I want to work with his doctors but my dad thinks my sister is better capable because she is older and he thinks she is a nurse, (she is a doula, not a nurse), I don't know what to do anymore, he will not talk to me about any medical things and he may be in ill health but he is still my dad, he's stubborn as all hell and I can't force him to do something he doesn't want to do.
Is there any way I can talk to his doctors about this and tell them that my sister does not care about him and is standing in the way of him getting good care? My other sister actually thinks this woman may have stolen his bank account numbers, (theres a new $6000 credit card bill that appeared from no where), but I don't know if this is true or not.
I'm assuming he has no wife at this time since you say he wants your older sister to be his caregiver. Unless he has done the legal paperwork this is not acceptable. Depending on how impaired dad is you might need to hire a lawyer to go to court to have you or your other sister appointed as health care proxy which would give you the ability to direct his medical care and a power of attorney to be able to direct his financial affairs. To do this you would need a doctor to say dad is incompetent to manage his own affairs and this is very hard to get. Better would be to sit dad down and explain that this other sister does not want to take care of him so he needs to choose you or your sister and make it legal. A lawyer can draw up the papers for a small fee and if they feel dad is signing of his own free will it is legal.
I have to say from what you have written that you may not be the right person to take on this responsibility. It is very difficult to deal with people with dementia. There is a lot you need to know about the disease and the medical field and insurances. It is also very difficult to deal with someone when they want your help and impossible when they don't.
You have mentioned two sisters. Do you have other siblings? It might be time to have a family meeting to discuss what is going on, including what the half-sister has been doing and that she does not want to be involved. It will be much easier to get through this time if you have the support of all of your siblings. I would also include any aunt or uncles or other family members who are close to your dad. You will need all the help you can get.
I don't understand why I am not the "right person" to take this on? I am young but I'm a lot more responsible than either of my sisters and am the only one who is looking out for my father.
You would probably get further with your dad by stepping back at this time. Let him know you are willing to help him and want to help him but if he wants your half-sister then that is fine with you. If she is doing nothing he will figure it out pretty quickly on his own. At that time he will turn to you if that is his wish.
I know you want to help your dad. Right now the best thing you can do to help him is do some research about his medical conditions. Learn more about diabetes and dementia. Learn about common tests and problems for older people. When you dad gets tired of waiting around for your sister he will call you and you will be ready.
Check out some of the groups here on DS. I bet you will find that the diabetes can be the cause of the memory problems. Also look at the dementia group. Then check out some of the PTSD and other groups that might apply to your dad. The more you know the better prepared you will be to help your dad when he is ready to accept your help.