That is a huge move for him, in his current health.

The first thing I'd say is to talk to his family (your siblings, perhaps siblings of your father?) and make sure that everybody is on board.

Next thing (first in some views) is to determine who has, or should have) power of attorney. If he is too deep into dementia it may take court action to get power of attorney.

Moving him can be expensive, depending on the level of care he needs. Many insurance plans only allow for moves if the patient is not getting the level of care that he needs where he is.

As for the move, your best source of information would be the place he would be moving to. Being blunt about it, they benefit financially in that they would be getting a new client. The place he is now is in the reverse situation, they would be losing a client.

I am so very sorry for you. I am 60, and this kind of hits close to home for me. I would hate for my kids to have to go through this.

Sorry to throw a lot at you, and more questions than ideas. But we do need a bit more to go on to offer ideas that might help.

Gentle hugs.

Thayer is awful Hon. Your dad is way too young to b in such bad shape. But I am wondering why you want to put him through a move. If he is settled in why not just let things stay the way they are

I suggest you contact aplaceformom.com You put in your contact info on their website and someone will call you, often within a few hours. The service is free to you. The person who calls will be a social worker who has experience in elder care. They will be able to help you with accurate information on what is available as well as info concerning moving someone. Many nursing homes do not want people who have only medicare since this is a low reimbursement. Often to get into a better facility you need to show that you can pay for a year or more. Doesn't seem fair but it is reality.

Pepper has great advice about the legal stuff. You don't mention your mom. If she is alive and your parents are married then she is the one who would have to make any decisions. If not then you need to find out if there is a POA and more importantly a Health Care Proxy. A POA alone is not enough to make medical decisions. Contact dad's lawyer. If this hasn't been done you will need to hire a lawyer in his state to petition the courts. Don't assume that since they are talking to you that the nursing home and Medicare will continue to deal with you.

Then I think you need to talk to dad's doctors and then your family. I can understand why you would want him to be closer to you for the remainder of his life. The doctor should be able to give you a better idea of what is ahead. He also can explain the risks of moving dad out of state. This can be extremely expensive and would probably be something you would have to pay for privately. If dad is on medicaid that means he has no assets to pay for this and since it is not medically necessary there is probably no coverage.

You don't say how far apart you are right now or if you are able to take some time to go to him. FMLA would allow for leave from work while protecting your job. It might be wiser for you to make a trip to see him every few weeks than to try to move him. Another thought is to buy an older ipad to leave with him so you can skype or facetime every so often. This would let you "see" him and let him see you. Another idea is to find someone locally, either a friend or a volunteer from a church, to visit dad regularly. This would give you more info on how he is doing and give him some company.

Thank you so much for your replies. You have given me a lot to think about. First of all, my mother is not in the picture because of a divorce. She is supportive of us while making decisions but she can't help. I know this is very hard for her too and I don't want to make things worse for her.

Dad is a 10-hour drive away and we have looked into private transportation options. We don't feel that Dad is getting adequate care because he is at a State Hospital. Before his condition deteriorated, it was the only place that would take him. He was a risk of wandering away and had horrible hallucinations so he needed a great deal of psych care before the strokes paralyzed him.

My siblings and his sibling are having a family meeting on Tuesday. I am trying to gather information so that we can make an informed decision at that meeting.

At this point, no one has Power of Attorney. I have tried several times, but it has to be done in his state of residence. I don't know how to go about doing that there.

For myself, I want to move him so that I can see that he is being cared for in the proper way. Also I hate the thought that he will die without his family. My father is expected to die in a sudden event, so we will not have time to drive there to sit at his bedside.

I am a teacher and while I can take time away from work, I cannot afford to do so for very long. That is a big reason for wanting the move.

I know that it all seems hopeless. I just wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I didn't at least try.

Sad in KY

TY for sharing, it helps us give better advice.

First off are you certain that your siblings will agree that you are the caretaker and POA? I ask only because sometimes siblings are not close and there can be huge differences of opinion. If you are then you need to contact a lawyer in dad's state on Monday. I'm assuming that he never made a will or other documents given his young age. Tell them the situation and that you need to get a POA and health care proxy immediately since dad is in such bad health. You will need to provide a letter from his doctor saying that he is not competent to make decisions, which should be simple considering he was placed in a nursing home because of his dementia. You can contact the nursing home today to get this started on their end.

Contact aplaceformom.com today. They really are wonderful and there is no cost and no committment. They can tell you what would be available in your area. Also they can guide you in how to find out about transporting him.

A few things to keep in mind when you meet with family next week. - - One is it may take a few weeks to get the necessary legal documents to do anything. New nursing homes are going to want some authority before putting him on a list even.
- You will need to consider the risk in moving dad. A ten hour ambulance ride is considerable and could be life threatening. Any ambulance company is going to want you to sign papers accepting responsibility if something happens to him. And access to emergency medical care will be limited intransit.
- What would your dad want? Was he someone who talked about his end of life wishes? Would he want to be kept alive at this point or would he want hospice? If dad would want a peaceful end you should look into inpatient hospice centers. Medicare will pay for this completely and they could move dad there. The care is far better than any nursing home with attention to making him comfortable and pain free.
- Is there any way for your family members to take turns staying with dad where he is, either in the nursing home or a hospice center? Something you need to accept is that dad could be living around the corner from you and die before you could get there. It is reassuring to have someone close by but it's not always possible to be there at the precise moment. This is something you could discuss with your family when you meet.

The next few months will be difficult no matter what. It will be a time to prepare yourself for this major change to your life. Instead of fighting the situation try to take the opportunity to celebrate dad's life and make his end of life as peaceful as possible. I would definately talk to your principal so he/she is aware of what is going on and can help as necessary. Also do the paperwork for FMLA even if you don't end up needing it. This will provide some relief at work for you. Then talk with your family. I used email to keep everyone aware of the changing situation. Group email makes it so much easier for everyone. You also need to start thinking about funeral arrangements in the near future. You will find that taking care of the "details" will free up your mind and will make things easier when the time comes.

Please come here often. We have lots of experience in dealing with caring for parents and dealing with their passing. No reason to do this alone. So feel free to pick our brains...and no question is off limits.

Thank you for your additional information, it really helps us.

The family meeting is a fantastic idea. The best resolution will come if everybody is open about what they want, even if they realize their wants may not be easy or practical.

Keeping your dad's wishes in mind is very important. If your mom is friendly with him she may be an excellent source of information about what your dad's wishes are/were.

It is good that you have siblings. I am alone with my parents, my wife had a sister and 2 brothers to help with her mom. Perhaps you and your siblings can arrange a schedule so that dad is not alone.

In my wife's family, the oldest child is the executor of the will. (The birth order is boy, boy, girl (my wife), girl.) The daughters are both nurses and have been very good at taking care of their mom during the bad times. This division of labor worked out well, and kept them all in the loop.

The important thing is to find a way that works best for all of you. It will be a compromise, nobody is likely to be 100% happy with the final deal. Hopefully everybody will be able to buy into the deal.

Hugs

Thank you for your help and suggestions. I am just preparing for our family discussion on Tuesday at this point. Hopefully we can make some decisions when we meet.

Good luck with your meeting. It might help to make a list of things you want to talk about. Also take some notes and follow up the meeting with a group email to summarize.

Tigg has a very good point about a follow up email. It can be stressful when siblings remember things differently. (Why are you selling Mom's car, it was supposed to go to my daughter!!!)