Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
My 85-year-old dad broke his left leg a little over a month ago. He had broken his left hip about three years ago, but he's very active and fully recovered. He's recovering from this, and working really hard.
We have a caregiver for six hours in the daytime, six days a week to take care of him and give him physical therapy. Then I take over for the rest of the day and evening, and my 24-year-old daughter comes and puts him to bed. He can get around with a walker, but can't get that leg into bed yet.
Problem is, he's always been so active, sometimes he decides to get up at night, no matter how many times we've told him not to, but does about once a week, which is a constant stress that he will one night and fall down and break something. We had a bed rail, but he would pound on it at night till it broke -- repeatedly.
The bigger stress right now is my mother. Last week she decided her back her. Only the pain seems to move around. I took her to the ER, and they did blood, urine tests and CAT Scan and said due to osteoporosis, she had a compression defect at L-1, but if she could walk, she could go home. They gave her a walker, although she doesn't really need it when nobody's looking. They said if she couldn't walk, she'd have to go into a nursing home or rehab until she could. She got up and walked just fine.
The second she comes home, she is moaning loudly and saying, "So what's broken?" and will only walk very slowly and acts like she's in agony. It's constant, "Help me, help me!" and "Why is everyone giving him all the attention?"
She puts on the biggest performances you can imagine and wants me to leap up and wait on her hand and foot at her command.
She called me five days in a row and woke me up to tell me to rush up there. I did at first, only to find my father making his own breakfast and everything just fine. She wants someone there 24/7, watching them sleep. She goes to bed at 6:00 pm, and then wants me there at 4:00 a.m.
They can't afford to have 24/7 care in-home, and there is really no need for it. She just sleeps and then gets up and walks to the den and lies down on the couch and does nothing.
When the caregiver comes at 9:00, she'll see if my mom will eat breakfast and give her her pills, and give her lunch, but the caregiver is working with my dad, not her. My mother is really jealous and says that he is getting massages and she should be getting them too. My dad gets them after much hard work of all his muscles.
The caregiver also feels my mother is putting a lot of this on for attention. But she's so persistent and making my life a living hell. She won't be quiet for more than one minute at a time. Lucky for my dad, he's hard of hearing and doesn't hear it all.
She acts like she can't move or she's out of it, yet she heard every word that is said and sees everything that happens around her and comments on it lucidly.
I keep telling her if she can't walk, she has to go into rehab and then she'll have her 24 hr. care, but of course she doesn't want that. She yells at my dad, "They're trying to put me away! I didn't let them do that to you!" (Actually, she did nothing of the sort for him. I did.)
They've been married 64 years and it would kill my dad if we had to put her somewhere. I don't know that he would want to live alone then.
It's just me in the family as my sibling passed away, and my daughter sometimes. I work full-time from home, so I work in the morning when the caregiver is at their home, then try to do some from their house, and collapse at home each night.
I feel like I'm going through hell, being awakened every morning, work, waiting on them. I feel I'll never have a moment's peace again or a moment of fun in my life until after something horrible happens with them, and I don't want that to happen.
They always promised me that if I helped them, I could have their house, and that's in a family trust, but I keep thinking, after working my butt off for them, losing money because I can't work as much, they may have to sell it and use all the money to pay for nursing.
The future is just soooo scary, with no good resolution.
We have a caregiver for six hours in the daytime, six days a week to take care of him and give him physical therapy. Then I take over for the rest of the day and evening, and my 24-year-old daughter comes and puts him to bed. He can get around with a walker, but can't get that leg into bed yet.
Problem is, he's always been so active, sometimes he decides to get up at night, no matter how many times we've told him not to, but does about once a week, which is a constant stress that he will one night and fall down and break something. We had a bed rail, but he would pound on it at night till it broke -- repeatedly.
The bigger stress right now is my mother. Last week she decided her back her. Only the pain seems to move around. I took her to the ER, and they did blood, urine tests and CAT Scan and said due to osteoporosis, she had a compression defect at L-1, but if she could walk, she could go home. They gave her a walker, although she doesn't really need it when nobody's looking. They said if she couldn't walk, she'd have to go into a nursing home or rehab until she could. She got up and walked just fine.
The second she comes home, she is moaning loudly and saying, "So what's broken?" and will only walk very slowly and acts like she's in agony. It's constant, "Help me, help me!" and "Why is everyone giving him all the attention?"
She puts on the biggest performances you can imagine and wants me to leap up and wait on her hand and foot at her command.
She called me five days in a row and woke me up to tell me to rush up there. I did at first, only to find my father making his own breakfast and everything just fine. She wants someone there 24/7, watching them sleep. She goes to bed at 6:00 pm, and then wants me there at 4:00 a.m.
They can't afford to have 24/7 care in-home, and there is really no need for it. She just sleeps and then gets up and walks to the den and lies down on the couch and does nothing.
When the caregiver comes at 9:00, she'll see if my mom will eat breakfast and give her her pills, and give her lunch, but the caregiver is working with my dad, not her. My mother is really jealous and says that he is getting massages and she should be getting them too. My dad gets them after much hard work of all his muscles.
The caregiver also feels my mother is putting a lot of this on for attention. But she's so persistent and making my life a living hell. She won't be quiet for more than one minute at a time. Lucky for my dad, he's hard of hearing and doesn't hear it all.
She acts like she can't move or she's out of it, yet she heard every word that is said and sees everything that happens around her and comments on it lucidly.
I keep telling her if she can't walk, she has to go into rehab and then she'll have her 24 hr. care, but of course she doesn't want that. She yells at my dad, "They're trying to put me away! I didn't let them do that to you!" (Actually, she did nothing of the sort for him. I did.)
They've been married 64 years and it would kill my dad if we had to put her somewhere. I don't know that he would want to live alone then.
It's just me in the family as my sibling passed away, and my daughter sometimes. I work full-time from home, so I work in the morning when the caregiver is at their home, then try to do some from their house, and collapse at home each night.
I feel like I'm going through hell, being awakened every morning, work, waiting on them. I feel I'll never have a moment's peace again or a moment of fun in my life until after something horrible happens with them, and I don't want that to happen.
They always promised me that if I helped them, I could have their house, and that's in a family trust, but I keep thinking, after working my butt off for them, losing money because I can't work as much, they may have to sell it and use all the money to pay for nursing.
The future is just soooo scary, with no good resolution.
Your caregiver sounds more than fair to mom...that is a blessing.
You are right, if things stay this way, they may have to sell the house....why don't you talk to them about it?
Maybe having to move would get mom's attention....or maybe they will be ready to do just that? You might not get the house, but there would be money to care for them, you could work, and maybe something left at the end.
Meanwhile...you sound exhausted. rightfully so.Some sort of boundaries have to be set up...I am sorry you are so stretched to the limit.
I can't leave the house when she's acting up because my father is still not totally up and going. He can't get his broken leg into bed, so either I or my daughter have to stay there until he goes to bed, If it wasn't for that, I would have no problem walking out.
I have been just ignoring her when she misbehaves -- although it's EXTREMELY difficult because she's relentless. Tonight she decided she didn't want to eat dinner and didn't like what I served her and wanted to immediately get up while the rest of us were eating. I told her she had to wait quietly until we were finished -- five, ten minutes -- and the entire time she was saying, "I want to get up. I want to get up. Please, please, please, please, please. Can I get up?"
She could have gotten up herself, but she wouldn't stop and ruined dinner, although I did make her wait. When she did get up, she decided to go to bed -- at 5:30 p.m.
Afterwards, I found my father crying and saying he didn't know what he was going to do with her. That was heartbreaking. I've only seen him cry one other time in my life, when my brother died.
She doesn't care what we tell her or what she's doing to any of us. She's always been a selfish woman, but it's much worse.
My father has begged her to stop. He's said they have a roof over their heads and three meals a day, have it good there, and to please stop, but she won't. And she won't stop calling me early in the morning when she wakes up insisting I run up there right then because she's sick. (I haven't done it after the first two times, but she won't stop.)
I unplugged my phone a couple nights, but I am so afraid of something happening to my dad, I can't continue to do it in case my dad falls again.
My daughter is breaking down and saying my mother is ruining her life. She's afraid her relationship will break up because she's been under such stress, so I have her to take care of too.
I have to keep working and work seven days a week. Today I came home from my parents' house and worked until 11:00 p.m. and I know she'll call in the morning at 6:00 a.m. and wake me up.
I have my job, my apartment and animals, my daughter, and then their house and them to take care of and I'm just so scared that I'm not going to be able to keep juggling all these balls.
I don't see a light at the end of this tunnel, no ending, or a horrible one.
Thanks again for just letting me vent.
Venting might make you feel a little better......for a while but if you want things to get better you have to be willing to take action.
Yes, it's hard and of course mom will keep trying to get you to sail on the guilt trip ship the more you try to stand up for yourself.
People get old and scared, and there is only so much we can do to help them with that.
And they fall too, so even if you were there 24/7 one of them could still fall. And if you don't make some time to keep you from going crazy and ruining your own health you will not be of use to anybody.
We all wish we could "rescue" and save our parents but it is just not possible.
No matter how hard we try we can't fix everything.
But by insisting EVERYBODY behave like adults and treat each other like THEY would like to be treated, you can bring some degree of peace and happiness to the family.
It's hard scary work and has to be reinforced OVER AND OVER AND OVER.
Good luck!
But put some thought into the limits, a lot of thought.
For example, if she wants to not eat, let her not eat. If she wants to leave the dining table while everybody is still eating, let her. But do NOT make her an alternate meal. If she is hungry then she needs to make her own meal. Bread and butter will do just fine.
Be up-front with your limits and consequences for her. It is hard, but it is the only thing that YOU can do that can help things. You need to take charge of your destiny.
Go ahead and unplug your phone. Let your dad know that you are doing it, if you want you can tell him when you plan to plug it back in. If you miss a real emergency with your father dump it back squarely on the shoulders of your mother.
Sorry to ramble on, ...
One trick my wife taught me is very simple, but it works and it is very adaptable.
Find a way to state your limit and the consequence in a short simple phrase. Use this phrase over and over (like a broken record if you remember the days of record players!) WITHOUT changing your words at all. Controlling argumentative people like your mother tend to look for any crack. If they can force you to change your wording then they will do that and do that and do that. Keeping your voice in the same tone each time only adds to the power. (No matter how much you want to yell at her.)
Don't look for her to agree with you, just tell her the behavior and the consequence. Odds are that she will not admit to her bad behavior until you have corrected it; even then she may never do it.
One of the biggest powers you have over her is the power to leave and the power to ignore her. Do not be afraid to use that power.
One last thing. If she tries to put guilt on you for leaving (If I fall it will be all your fault!), put it back on her (It will be your fault because you knew that I would leave if you yelled at me.)
Gentle hugs.
You're both right, of course, as far as the limits. This is what I started about a week ago -- bad behavior gets ignored. It drives you bonkers though!
Just like little kids, if they don't get their way, they'll throw a tantrum or try to find some other way to manipulate you, and it does get worse before it gets better.
Today, I found myself answering one of her "what if" questions -- "What if something happens?" and I was in the midst of it and thought of when my daughter was little and would start arguing with me, and I'd stop and think, "What am I doing arguing with a three-year-old" and walk away. So I stopped and said to her, "I don't know why I was answering your 'The sky is falling' questions."
I think it's easier with a child, because they remember faster. I think my mother forgets and goes back to her normal behavior. She's always been a huge nag, and although I established that I won't react to that behavior years and years ago, my dad always has. He has always given in to her. When he complained, we've always said that he allowed her to be this way, but we wouldn't.
Now she's much worse suddenly, and it's like she's trying it all over again, and I just want to scream! AHHHHH!
Pepper, what your wife was describing is the KISS (Keep It Simple, Stupid) where you use the same simple phrase over and over. I am glad you reminded me of it.
She doesn't admit to bad behavior and claims people are lying when they remind her of it.
Today we had to take my dad to the bank. She didn't want to stay home alone, so I told her she could come along and wait in the car -- too difficult to get them both out -- and she agreed. Afterwards, my parents waited in the car while we ran into the store to get them bananas and water.
We come back out, and my dad tells us that my mom was yelling, "Help! Help!" out the window at passersby. My dad said nobody paid any attention to her but one woman and she told the woman to go in the store and find us and tell us we had to come out IMMEDIATELY!
Lesson learned. That's the last time we take her along.
A lot of it I just have to laugh about it's so ridiculous.
If she is as clever a manipulator as you describe I doubt she is too far gone to improve!
keep at it! My Mom used to do everything you describe your Mom doing and I eventually broke her of it.
Took a very long time but now EVERYBODY is happier!
Sounds like you see things clearly.
and it is ok if dad cries...he needs the release too.
Soft sympathies as you sort out where the lines are and remain. She may be afraid, and acting out? Just a thought.