Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
I am living wih my 81 year old mother. She does not drive, and has shortness of breath. The other day my niece was visiting, & her father would be by around 6:00. My neice & I went for a mani & pedi while my Mom rested. At 6:10, my mother called & asked me where was I, why am I taking so long, and to come home now, my brother was there to see my niece.
I am at my last straw. I was trying to do the best for her, and she yells at me like I am a child. Any suggestions to avoid these confrontations again?
I am at my last straw. I was trying to do the best for her, and she yells at me like I am a child. Any suggestions to avoid these confrontations again?
You are a security blanket with mom when you are gone she becomes worried and slightly fearful your presence is calming to her.
There really is nothing that can be corrected on this one I deal with this on a daily basis but I am now no longer annoyed by it I just accept it and try to get my grocery shopping done as quickly as possible .
If you have someone that can just come and sit with mom a few hours then that would be the thing to do that way mom will not panic when she discovers she is alone in the house. Course she will never reveal to you her fears of being alone that is a secret.
I try my best to get done in a reasonable time, but that doesn't always happen. I usually call to check up on her if I'm running late, this time I didn't.
The yelling at me is what bothers me. Do I ask her to please don't yell when you are upset at me?
My wife and I try to deal with this by OVER estimating the time it will take to do something. Not by a lot, but by enough. Then call when you are "done" or "on your way home". That can help with her expectations.
As for the yelling, you can try the direct method. "Mom, I do not appreciate being yelled at." And then you leave the room, or hang up on the phone. Do this often enough and she will learn that yelling is not productive for her.
Have you tried asking her, when she is calm, why she yells? Shur may be onto something; you may very well be her security blanket, and when this gets threatened by you not being there she gets anxious. She may see you as having done something wrong (you got her anxious) and is in attack mode.
I like to believe that there are solutions to all our issues; some may be more easily resolved than others though!
If she gets short of breath , it is pretty scary.............happens to me and I am 20 years younger than your mom............and am on oxygen.........so I have some fast help available when it does happen............sounds like she doesn't:(.............its a pretty scary situation:(
Shur is pretty spot on with her suggestions..........and you can pick up a pulseox at Walmart for about $35 ..........if her o2 runs real low you might want to have her checked put (98-100 is normal)
.has mom been tested for dementia yet?
There is no excuse for one adult to yell at another. Fear is a great sounding excuse for it. But bottom line yelling at you is her way of treating you like a child and guilting you into feeling bad for doing anything away from her.
No adult should be taught that yelling is acceptable EVER!!
All that does is create very serious problems for them when they need any form of skilled nursing care for surgery, rehab or hospitalization for illness. Allowing them to yell at home teaches them that is the way to get their way. Than they pull that while needing skilled care for a short time and are faces with being in a bad situation from developing such nasty habits.
I would try randomly yelling at her. Then ask her if she likes being yelled at....
I would also get all analog clocks! Get a child's one and set the hands for the time you will be back. Next to it put an electric one. Explain that when the two look the same, she will see you at home. Not before. And calling to demand early will just cause you to be late.
Expecting another human to be a security blanket is inappropriate.
No responsible parent would let a baby or child become so dependent on them as to be unable to self calm or accept the calming of others who have been identified as safe.
Trying to be security for another human leaves the person unable to self calm, or accept calming influence from other family members or any other person who is safe, leaving them so totally dependent on their ONE LONE human security blanket that they simply can not do without that human being.
It is very selfish for anyone to allow such a co-dependent situation to establish itself and go on until the dependent person is lost without their human security blanket.
Life is filled with uncertainties. You could drive to the store 1/2 mile away and be killed in a car accident. Where does that leave mom if you allow this "security blanket" concept to continue to exacerbate to the point where mother is this totally lost without you?
What happens when the caregiver is ill and must needs stay away for the safety of the elderly person? What happens if the caregiver is in an accident, needs hospitalization, needs to be away for any reason? Mom is totally lost and confused and suffering the worst suffering imaginable!! Exposing a fragile elderly person to illness could be a death sentence.
What we have to stop and ask ourselves is it proper to allow such situations simply so I can feel the most important position as the only security blanket mom accepts? Look in your heart of hearts and see if this is your goal.
It does not sound so to me. So a good goal is to expose mom to others who are safe and teach her to rely on anyone who is identified as safe AND teach her self calming right away. The clock face with a time is one. Another is perhaps a stuffed animal toy that is soft or her favorite color. TV shows that she enjoys can be purchased on DVD for her to watch. You know her best so you can think of the ones that help her the most.
We must always keep in mind that when we serve ourselves by letting such behaviors escalate, we are damaging the elderly ability to function and adjust to life's ever changing demands.
All humans must have some self calming abilities or they can not function. It is important that we allow them to be as independent of us as possible constantly being careful to ensure that we don't trap them with only one caregiver.
her mom screams at her to get her way. Your situation is slightly different but perhaps this might help you too.
Anyway, I work at different skilled care's around town reading, playing cards, singing to them. There is one poor woman who constantly yells out
"HELP, HELP, HELP"
"HELP, HELP, HELP"
"HELP, HELP, HELP"
"HELP, HELP, HELP"
"HELP, HELP, HELP"
It is constant!
Staff told us that her family would RUN to her before the last HELP could be yelled. Now she has that horrible habit INGRAINED. She just wants attention. Even in a group with friends around her, she will sit for 5 minutes yelling.
So everyone on staff ignores her!
Residents tell her to stop it because they can not enjoy any activity while she is being so rude (their words), then they walk away from her.
She ends up sitting alone for 5 more minutes if the yelling continues
Then they take her back to her room.
Then they will sedate her if she refuses to stop.
This is a long ingrained habit created by family who thought they were helping her. In fact, they allowed her to develop such a bad habit that most days this woman is removed from the activities!
It is so sad that family did not have enough love for their elderly mother to prevent this really disruptive behavior. They may not have realized they were doing this to her. Or that she would end up more lonely from it.
We can learn to always support appropriate social interactions in our parents so they don't develop bad habits that will leave them alone.
We have women who have learned to scream out to get family to run! They cause noise and disturb everyone else.
And these women end up alone because no one can sleep in the same room.
There are other stories of things like this. This is just the shortest.
You sound like a loving caring daughter. I think you would want mom to always be able to find comfort and help wherever she is and whomever is providing her care.
It will be better for mom regardless of her future care situation if you can stop allowing the yelling and extreme fears to have any effect on your activity. Like I said before no one can guarantee we will outlive our parents. Mom could outlive you and end up in skilled care like one of these two women all alone. You have the power to make a difference NOW before it is so ingrained that she has trouble stopping this behavior.
Love sometimes means doing what is best for a person even though it feels painful for us. Any parent understands that running to a baby the moment it cry's out, being the only one to provide comfort, and allowing anti-social behaviors is setting up that human being for serious problems being able to be social without us.
It sounds to me like you love your mom too much to allow her to fall into such a pit of despair and isolation.
Remind her of the story of the boy who cried wolf.