Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
mom's been living with me for a couple of months. she's 83. i've posted her several times but not lately. main issues are i can't find time or energy to care for myself and cats, siblings aren't helping out enough, mom is often very ungrateful, ... as i am writing this i realize i am too tired to complete it. that's it in a nutshell really. this situation is draining every last drop out of me. i guess i have to go eat and try to get to bed asap. every day is about mom. at first it was ok but now it makes me feel sad and desperate. what about me. when do i get my turn. i don't even have any kids. meanwhile, my psycho sister is cavorting around the world and when she does come back she is always too busy to help. she is a effin piece of work and dealing with her is hell. i wouldn't have anything to do with her but my mom is staying with me and when it is convenient she wants to stop by and see her. drives me totally nuts. i do all the hard work and when it's convenient for her she stops by and takes her out for an hour or something. feeling pretty used right now. there really is no reasoning with my sister but i don't want to cut her off from my mom completely because i feel that would be wrong.
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
The load of caring for parents is never distributed evenly among their children, and I am very sorry that you have gotten the brunt of the work.
We talk a lot about this here, and there are some things that can work. Make a list of things that your mother does that bothers you. Pick the biggest issue for you, but make it one that you can work on. Let your mother know that things must change. Tell her the issue. If she is reasonable she will work with you on a solution.
If she is not, she will try to pile on the guilt.
So be ready with a plan that you can implement. Have a consequence that will be attached to it. Inform her of this, and then follow up.
For example, consider this possible problem: She demands that you drop everything you are doing and run to the store the minute she finds she is out of something. Tell her that you will do the shopping on specific day or days. (ie, Mondays and Fridays) She can tell you what she is running low on, and then you will add it to the list for the next shopping day.
The consequence of her demanding immediate action could be that you leave the room, and isolate yourself from her for a period of time.
I learned from my wife (who is a nurse and has had to deal with obnoxious patients and doctors) that coming up with a simple statement and repeating it word for word every time, and in a calm voice, is very effective. Controlling people like to get others to change their wording, that is the first step to twisting their words. Don't fall for that move!
As for your siblings, you can try to find jobs that they can do and then work on them. My MIL has 4 children. One (a son) lived near her for about 20 years, and had the task of caring for her as she started her decline. (From about age 70 to age 90). His job started out fairly easy and got harder. My wife and I have her now, and it is easier because she lives with us, but harder in that her needs are greater. The other daughter is mostly broke and lives 2,000 miles away; not much she can do but she has helped out in the past, and she supports what my wife does. The other son lives about 400 miles away. He has the job of monitoring her finances; for now that mostly means doing her taxes.
Sorry to go on and on, but you hit a collective sore spot with us here, and I really feel for your situation! Hope some of this helps.
Gentle hugs
It is an all consuming position especially as they decline.... And siblings may not want anything to do with care giving.... I ran into this and my only other family member and I became estranged because of it
So I think (from my experience) people have to do what 'they, themselves) want to do... It probably is good for your sister to see her mother....
Perhaps you can ask her to plan the days she's coming in advance so that you can use that time as you'd like to
I would contact Community Health in your area and discuss respite care with them..... I'm in Canada so I don't know what might be available where you are but maybe there's some type of help that you can take advantage of
I have found when people need care ongoing that life becomes about what they want/need so I would do small things for yourself and seek out support where you can
I know this hurts in so many ways..... If you have a faith talking to a leader of that faith my a good support.... At least it was for me
Big hug of comfort for you and a blessing......xo
there are many helps for you out there, especially when family isn't willing or available. There are agencies that provide
caregivers that can come sit with your mom, read to her, cook light meals, etc. It would give you a break that you have
every right to have. You do not have to feel guilty about taking time for yourself. You deserve and need time away.
Can you take a class? go for a massage? lunch with a friend? My brothers live out of state and could be no help with
my mom. Maybe as you start taking breaks and getting your life back, you will feel less resentful with your sister.
Wish you the best! I'll be praying for you!
there are many helps for you out there, especially when family isn't willing or available. There are agencies that provide
caregivers that can come sit with your mom, read to her, cook light meals, etc. It would give you a break that you have
every right to have. You do not have to feel guilty about taking time for yourself. You deserve and need time away.
Can you take a class? go for a massage? lunch with a friend? My brothers live out of state and could be no help with
my mom. Maybe as you start taking breaks and getting your life back, you will feel less resentful with your sister.
Wish you the best! I'll be praying for you!